Imperfect Reflection
by Chibi Yachiru-chan
Summary: She's like a perfect mirror image of his. She's known loss and experienced suffering just like he has. And she goes about her life as dispassionately as he does. Neither of them cares. But when fate throws them together again and again, they stand by each other's side and face it together... eventually leading to what is inevitable. Byakuya x OC. Rated T for swear words.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Of course I don't own bleach and everybody knows it. It belongs to** Kubo-sensei**. Yes, Isshily is a product of my twisted imagination. I wish I could say Byakuya belongs to me but sadly, he doesn't, never did, never will. At least not the way my heart belongs to him! (*sniffs* "Oh, Byakushi!") .

**Author's note: Just a little something that popped up into my head while I was obsessing over Byakuya :3**

**Read and review, please!**

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Chapter 1: The beginning

The little secluded bar in the lower district of Rukongai was abuzz with rogues and beastly men hounding and raising a ruckus. _Same old chaos_. She sat in her quiet corner, observing, pondering over her drink. From the corner of her eye, she kept glancing at the far table. Six shinigamis with noticeably high reiatsu were having some kind of celebration, raising toasts and shouting. She was a little surprised seeing them in such a down-market place. She recognized a red haired guy from among them as the current vice captain of sixth squad, a blond woman—who was particularly popular throughout the academy apparently because she was _hot_ (she had to admit she really was!)—the vice captain of the tenth squad and she recognized the all too familiar face of Shuuhei Hisagi who was one of the hottest topics among the academy girls almost _all_ the time. There was another bald head loud mouth with them whom she recognized by face, another quiet blond man with half his face covered by flicks and a weird guy with colored feathers sticking around and above his eyelashes who was filing his nails. Their reiatsus were pretty much captain-class, at least lieutenant-class. She wondered for a brief moment why they'd choose that lowlife bar to hang around and then shrugged, putting it back.

"Eh, look here," she heard a booming voice right next to her as she turned around to find a drunken rogue staring at her menacingly. "What's a little academy kiddy doing here?"

She just sat unperturbed, not giving so much as a cold glance in his direction as she continued to sip on her drink.

"Oi," the thug pursued, banging his fist on the counter in front of her so she'd look up. "I'm talkin' to you, brat."

She looked at him, her impassive face unruffled. "Talk happens between two people," she replied coolly. "And I am not the other one."

"Kono…" he glared at her.

She tsked lightly under her breath, swirling her drink of sake idly. "You're an eyesore. I don't like it when people ruin the flavor of my drink," she glared at him coldly with narrow eyes which sent him staggering back a little, blinking in surprise. He looked around at the few other beastly men now staring intently at them and straightened up, apparently trying to prove his might.

"Kid, you know _who_ you're talking to here?" he said menacingly.

"Unfortunately for you," she turned back to the counter, still swaying her drink. "Neither are you that important, nor do I have any interest. So just get out of my face," she put the drink down with just a slight bang.

He gulped once before glaring and taking a step forward. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye. He was twice as tall and probably four times bulkier than her. She looked around nonchalantly at the brazen mugs that were now staring intently at them, calculating the exact number of how many would jump in if a fight broke out. She could take them all down she knew it, but it might cause just a little bit of trouble.

"Oh, so this cocky little brat is looking for suicide, then," he closed in as she remained unperturbed. "I'll show you what happens when you pick a fight with the boss."

She heard the few men shout "Ike, okashira," from behind. She clicked her tongue. They were definitely not the ones jumping in the fight. Then she slightly pushed back the high stool and gave him her 'nonchalantly' murderous glare. "Try me, _o-ka-shi-ra,_"

With that, the huge man pounced right at her. She hopped back swiftly and effortlessly, kicking his head right into the counter. It looked too light coming from an even lighter puny girl but the man crashed facedown into the counter with a loud impact, his body going limp at once. She heard a few hesitant swallows before the expected men roared out, coming at her from all sides. She hopped lightly, slamming one down, punching another's nose, turning another one in a headlock while kicking one across the face. She hated getting into those filthy fights, but sometimes it just got onto her nerves how the beasts would pick on seemingly defenseless people for no reason. They were all just cowards. And she hated them with her whole being. She hated the fact that people perceived her as a defenseless little girly who'd beg them to let her go. Life in Rukongai really was ugly, gross, disgusting and pathetic. But still she came back again and again to find a little peace in that loud, crass environment.

"Did your mama not teach you to not pick on innocent girls for no reason, eh?" she heard the bald shinigami who was now choking a man out in his grasp. She scowled at him as she slammed another guy hard into the door. Shortly, the red head jumped into the fight too. Within a minute, half of the bar population was down and half had slipped away, scared. She stood huffing as she brushed her clothes lightly. _Not even a single scratch! Great!_ She could've thanked the two guys who were now grinning wide as they popped their joints. But she saw the thrill on their faces that little brawl had given and decided to scowl and slide back in her place. The hot blond woman walked up to her and propped her elbows over the counter. She glanced at her and got back to sipping her drink.

"Nice fighting skill you got, eh!" she smiled at her.

"Nobody asked them for help," she scowled into the drink, not looking up. "I could've taken them down by myself."

"Yeah, but then it would have been a waste coming here," she smirked. "Ikkaku dragged us all the way to pick some fight. He said he was feeling rusted lately."

She looked up at the woman. "Violent man, that," she muttered, not really wanting to continue the conversation.

"Say," she shocked her as she almost got into her face. "Join us for a drink? We're celebrating Shuuhei's promotion to captaincy."

"I… uh…" she stammered, not expecting the sudden invitation. "I don't… drink much."

"Heh?" she tilted her head. "Then what exactly are you doing here?"

She blinked at her, trying to come up with something. "Just occasionally, I mean."

"Oh so what occasion is it?" she pursued.

"I graduated from the academy today."

"What? But it's not graduation day today," she slapped her on the back lightly. "Are you graduating early?"

She nodded. And the blond woman suddenly pulled her and started dragging her towards the table they were all at.

"Another round of drinks," she yelled gleefully. "We have a new extraordinary shinigami here."

They looked up and she felt awkward. She wasn't much good around people, especially not good around higher shinigamis.

"I'm Rangiku. And that's Shuuhei. And Renji, Ikkaku, Yumichika and Kira," she pointed to each one of them as she nodded. "And this is… eto… I didn't even ask your name…"

"Isshily," she gave a slight bow.

"Let's get started, hey, Yumichika that's mine," she went around to plop between her friends.

Isshily stood awkwardly for a while then sat down in the seat the red haired guy offered her.

"A new graduate, eh?" the man with feathered eyelashes said. "So what squad are you joining?"

She shook her head. "I don't know yet."

"You should be in the eleventh, eleventh," the bald head chimed in, grinning wide. "It'll be fun sparring with you."

"I don't… like violence," she said hesitantly, looking down. She knew for a fact that the bald man loved violence. His whole being asserted his craving for violence.

"Heh? That's too bad," he muttered. "Okay, women, back off. We're starting it now."

She stared at his excited grin. Rangiku slapped his head. "I'm in on it."

"You can't," he rubbed his head. "You know you'll lose, woman."

"Stop with that 'woman' thing," she turned to Isshily. "This guy here thinks men can always beat women in every game. Let's show him!"

"Game?" she stared, not quite understanding. "What game?"

"The drinking game!" she chimed. "Whoever drinks the most without throwing up wins in the end."

"I'm telling you again, ladies," he said. "Back off."

Rangiku slapped his head again. "Like hell. Ladies are ten times better than crackhead men like you, na Isshily?" she winked at her.

She absolutely hated it when men looked down upon women. It didn't matter to her if it were just a stupid game. She wasn't going to lose this one. "Okay. I'm in."

She kept turning in one drink after another smoothly, effortlessly even though her throat was now scorching. Her eyes were intent on the bald head who was trying hard to gulp it down faster and faster. But no matter how fast he tried, she would end up finishing it at the same time he did, even though her smooth sips never got any faster. She hadn't initially had much so she was at an advantage though she could tell she was already pushing way beyond her limits. But she promised she wasn't going to lose. The others gave up one by one till only she, the bald head and the 69-tattooed hot guy were left. She kept forcing it down her throat till Ikkaku finally ran out, covering his face.

Yumichika got up with a sigh. "He's gonna pass out there in the street. It's not a beautiful sight. I should get going."

"I win," she said, putting down the last drink, her expression still sober.

She heard Hisagi bang down his drink. "Nope. I win."

She stared at him. Then she reached out for another drink, emptied it in one go and banged it down harder. "Nope. I win."

He smiled at her. "I guess you do."

He patted her head as he got up to leave, swinging his arm around Kira's shoulder, who had already passed out. "Good luck for the job. I wish I get to see you on my squad."

She nodded, getting up. It was late and she was feeling too sick. She left the red head guy and the blond woman passed out there and dashed out as fast as she could.

* * *

"Argh," she groaned, ducking her head over the bushes again. Her throat felt dry and scorched. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she choked out more. She was dizzied and her stomach felt shriveled. It felt like she was just going to keep throwing up all night.

"Stupid, stupid drinking game," she groaned, holding her head in her hands. She was too knocked out of it to notice a reiatsu approach. She sensed it only when it was right behind her and she turned around, hissing. It was an impulsive reaction. Old habits died hard. A tall man stood staring at her with an expressionless face, his eyes boring into hers. He had a handsome, flawless face that had a distinct air of serenity about it. His silky black hair just whirled slightly, gracefully in the wind. She noted the black kimono and the white haori that he wore. She knew him. Byakuya Kuchiki, captain of the sixth division, head of the noble Kuchiki clan. She hadn't forgotten that face, that condescending reiatsu since the first time she'd seen him while he was on a regular round in the academy. Her eyes were locked onto his. Of all the things, she had never been able to get that pair of slate grey eyes out of her head. She hadn't ever seen a color like that. It was… just grey. And yet it was a lot more than 'just grey'. She felt nauseous as her stomach finally forced her to break away from that mesmerizing view. She turned around, crouching again, puking. He did not move from the spot till she was done and offered her some water. She took it thankfully, gulping it down, trying to cool her burning throat.

"A-arigatou, Kuchiki taichou," she stammered.

He stared at her for a long second. He had seen her in the academy, practicing kidou while he was on a round as her reiatsu had begged his attention. It was on a whole other level than the ones around her. It was frightening in an odd way. He remembered that pair of solid brown eyes stare at him, the face not giving away any kind of emotion. That was the only time he had seen something that perfect brown. He remembered the reiatsu also gave him a brownish kind of feeling. It was odd in a way he couldn't explain.

"Indulging in those meaningless games, knowing they are stupid is a foolish thing," he said tonelessly.

She did not know he had heard her groaning.

"Yes, it is," her tone was as impassive as his own. "But being foolish is better than losing."

He remained unperturbed by her little reply. But her tone stirred him from inside. It was empty, toneless, and yet, somehow it had the power to hold, affect , change.

"Yes, it is," he replied coldly. "But losing is still better than putting yourself to shame like this."

No expression passed over her impassive face. She would have blushed with embarrassment. The man's cold voice could put anyone to shame just like that, but it did not sound odd to her. Because she was used to it. It was like an echo of her own cold voice.

"But losing is not an option," she replied.

He looked at her from the corner of his eye. It was odd. Her voice, her face… it was too familiar to him even when he had only seen her for the second time and had never once heard her voice before.

She too was stealing glances at him from the corner of her eye. There was something oddly familiar about him, about the way he spoke, about the condescending aura that surrounded him.

Their eyes locked onto each other's unconsciously. The impassive mask he wore and the zero expression on her face. The cold grey eyes staring into the burning brown eyes.

For the first time in decades, he was horrified.

For the first time in decades, she was frightened.

As they stared at each other, the same realization hit both of them.

_IT'S LIKE I'M STARING INTO A MIRROR!_

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_If you don't trust the future_

_Continue with that force_

_What is left to learn now_

_So do it_

_And when I look there's someone_

_That's runnin' by my side_

_Spirit inspiration_

_NO I CAN'T LOSE_

[spirit inspiration-nothing's carved in stone.]

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**Author's note: I know I'm terrible at action sequencing but thanks for reading. Yes, I put it in the romance genre but that's a little way down the road. I'll try to update soon. Hope you liked it! Sorry if I disappointed you.**

**Please leave a review :3**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Again, I don't own bleach. Nor do I own Byakuya. What I do own is Isshily and her zanpakuto. And of course, the plot!**

**Author's note: This was just a small idea that had popped up into my head out of nowhere and snowballed into a whole chapter. I'll dedicate this one to Ayushi for coming up with the brilliant name and form of the zanpakuto. I'm sorry but romance is still not here though it's lingering over the horizon x3**

**Please read and review!**

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Chapter 2: Strength

She stood blinking at the letter assigning her to the sixth division. She read the word s-i-x-t-h a couple of times more to make sure she wasn't dreaming. _Sixth squad. Third seated officer. Under Kuchiki-taichou._ She did not know much about him, in fact she knew absolutely nothing about him except for the rumors about him being a very stingy, swollen headed noble, but how much of that was true, she had no idea. The only one thing that she _did_ know was the feeling she had when she'd sensed his reiatsu. It was intimidating… and _scary_. Not that she had been scared, but somewhere deep down, shehad unconsciously harnessed a dream in the back of her head since the day she'd first seen him. The reiatsu that had awakened a thirst inside of her. She knew to reach what she was aiming for, she had to grow up to that level. Ever since, she had trained harder and harder each day.

She remembered one of those many lessons she had been taught by a certain important person back when she hadn't understood it. He had told her how inspiration and motivation were two different things. She had just shaken her head and grabbed his arm, telling him he was the only motivation, only inspiration in her life. He had been everything to her. Her whole world, the center of her universe. But even when he wasn't there anymore, she continued to go on, with every single word he'd ever said to her etched in her mind. Now she understood it. The day she had first come across Kuchiki Byakuya, it had struck her. Now she knew what that difference between inspiration and motivation was. One pulled her, another pushed her. She'd gone so far with the sheer strength of her motivation pushing her through. But now, she had an inspiration that pulled her with equal force. It was Kuchiki Byakuya, the captain of the sixth squad.

Standing in front of the tall man looking down at her with his cold grey eyes, she remembered it again. It was indeed true. But under his cold stare, she realized she hated to admit it. She hated the zeroed expression of his face. She hated the calm tone of his cold voice. She hated the condescending reiatsu she strived to level up to. What she hated the most was the way she could so clearly look beyond that mask to find the same broken person that she was. The times when their eyes would lock onto each other's, she hated every second of agony that she saw flash through them as something akin to that pricked her inside. She hated the fact that she could not pull away from it, that it would bring everything she'd buried deep inside back onto the surface. Every time she stared in those grey eyes for a second too long, she saw the reflection of everything she had been through sweep across.

"I see," his impassive voice broke her reverie of thoughts. "However, you should know the reason of your being seated third is solely your performance at the academy. The circumstances of the real field work differ. Hence, I am not fully convinced of your potential strength as a shinigami."

She felt like cringing as she interpreted his words as 'I regard you as a mere piece of trash'. She wondered briefly about the rumors of him being a stingy, swollen headed noble might as well be true even as she kept her eyes level and humbly replied. "I will do my best to take on the duties of the third seat responsibly, Kuchiki taichou." The slight edge in her toneless voice implying 'You just wait and watch!'

"Very well," he turned around. "Welcome to the sixth division."

"Ano… Kuchiki taichou," she bowed down a little lower than she normally would. Talking of _responsibility_ reminded her of something very irresponsible on her part. No wonder his gaze had a skeptical undertone deep down. "I sincerely apologize for my irresponsible conduct last night. I assure you against any such uncalled for acts in the future. Forgive me for any impolite words I might have uttered."

He looked at her sincerely bowing for a second and then gave a slight nod, heading back to his office. He had been rather surprised by the level of self-control she'd displayed that time, keeping a straight face and speaking as if she was well aware of what she spoke for someone in that state under heavy influence of alcohol. Her slightly intimidating reiatsu still reminded him of the unexplainable brownish feeling it gave him. Her toneless voice, her expressionless face had yet again disconcerted him. He could not get the thought of those brown eyes out of his head. They mirrored him. Absolutely mirrored what he kept buried deep inside himself. Her words, her actions… they were all like an echo of his. He couldn't help but keenly observe her every time she was in front of him, most of the times already knowing what came next. He just had to think of how he would have reacted if he were in her place to tell that. She was way too predictable… at least for him, she was!

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Upside down, bizarre, strange, mystifying, alluring, beautiful… there just weren't enough words for her to describe this world. It was eerie and curious and mesmerizing like nothing else. The trees had blue leaves and bloomed flowers of a color she did not know existed in her world. Clear water flowed through a river giving off a grassy green color. The earth under her feet was soft and very orange. And the grass was a queer shade of brown mixed with violet. There was a black ball kind of thing faraway in the sky which looked like it should have been the sun. But even with the sun being black, there was day light. The whole sky was a pure white tinged with just a drop of pink. The world was its own astonishing enigma. There was the sound of thunder that somehow just persisted in the background like it belonged there. There were the blackest of black clouds that lazily swept over the ground as if too heavy to rise up and yet light as cotton—swaying, re-forming, merging together and fragmenting with the slightest of wafting winds.

A croaking sound guided her eyes to the sky where frog-like tailless amphibians flew high. The chirping bird-like vertebrates floated in the brook, playing some game of their own. The world of her zanpakuto defied all logic, all imagination of the world she belonged to. It could have been called freakish, grotesque, but for the perfect harmony everything existed therein, made it look nothing less than perfect. If there was just one word she were asked to describe it in, it was enchanting… mesmerizing.

"You seem to be pretty lost today," she heard the all too familiar voice.

"Not really," she turned around , her eyes tracing their way to the gargantuan fox sauntering gracefully towards her.

Patronizing, condescending, majestic, lithe, graceful, dainty, charming… the very definition of beauty… that was Raikitsu—the spirit of her zanpakuto. On all its fours, it was still as tall as her. Its fur ruffled in the light breeze shiny, soft, silky. It always made her want to put her arms around her neck and bury her head in its silken fur. But it had never let her so much as even pat its head once. Its eyes—the exact same shade of brown as hers—shone like clear reflecting glass. And the little smirk that never left its face—the smirk that brought it so close to looking human—always added to the imperious aura it radiated. The suave, effortless way it carried itself, head held high—it was too proud. And yet at times, she'd seen it trot and nuzzle to her side like a child, its eyes sparkling with tears on edge, mouth pulled down in a sad curve. Sure, there had been tough times, when they had needed the comfort of each other. But today was a day of pride. They had been together through a lot. While Isshily went through her charade of impassivity, never betraying her pain or joy on her face, Raikitsu flaunted every single detail of its emotions in its eyes, on its face, in the way it walked, even in the very aura that surrounded it. They understood each other like parts of a whole should. Yet they were always in a constant struggle against each other. Isshily was never intimidated by Raikitsu; in fact she remained unperturbed. Raikitsu was never terrified of Isshily; in fact it remained unnerved. Even so, they existed in deep harmony inside. At the end of every strife, they will come back to share the same emotion. Because, in the end, they were both the parts and extensions of one whole.

She reached out to ruffle its fur but stopped midway, letting her hand drop to the side. There was no way Raikitsu would let her touch it, especially when it was in an overly proud, haughty mood like this. It had always been hostile towards her.

"You're pretty happy today, Raikitsu," she said, looking into the distance.

"I am," the fox nodded. "You finally become a shinigami."

She squinted at it, then sighed, sitting down cross-legged. Raikitsu folded its limbs gracefully and sat in its majestic posture.

"Raikitsu…" her fingers traced patterns on the ground, lost in thought.

"Not yet," there—the answer without having to be asked. "You're still way too weak to expect me to bow down to you, woman. You have no resolve—"

"I do," she bluntly cut her off. "No matter how many times you try to play your cunning mind games with me, in the end, you know I'll stand by my resolve."

"You call _that _a resolve," the fox shook its head. "Don't make me laugh. You don't have a hint about resolves. You're just a stuck up brat refusing to look beyond her nose."

"You're one to talk about looking beyond your nose," she stood up, readying herself as the atmosphere got intense. Any moment, the fox would pounce at her, pinning her down. At first, it had many a times managed to tear her off badly with its claws but over time, she had learnt to tackle it. Through the passing time, they had become a little softer towards each other, but the feeling of hostility never faded. In the end, deep down in her heart, she knew even if she could be physically stronger, the fox would always, always be able to push her into a mental corner. It was annoying to no end and sometimes she imagined if she would lose her sanity like this.

"You always look down under your nose at your own mast—" and the fox _did_ pounce at her, pinning her down, baring its teeth.

"There isn't a master-slave relationship here," it roared. "And _you_ don't get to decide it."

She heaved her body and flung the fox to a side, swinging herself on top of it in another swift, effortless movement, locking its head in her arm lightly but firmly.

"So how about we settled it once and for all," she tightened her grasp just slightly. "The stronger one wins, of course."

"It's not always about physical strength," the fox playfully flung her down on the ground and walked a few paces ahead, shaking its head. "Go home, kid. Come back to me when you have enough of that strength mentally. Form your own resolve. Until you don't have that, I have no intentions of lending you my strength. At least not for those meaningless, hollow ambitions."

"_Meaningless…_?!" she glared at the fox. "You know I—"

"Kaere," the fox turned back to glare harder. "Go home. I am in no mood to start another strife. You can come at me with all you have, woman, but you know your place. You can't beat me into submission like that. Not in your current state."

She glared at the fox but took a few steps back. This was how it ended up mostly. She could not understand what it was that Raikitsu meant but her brains knew, somewhere, she had been defeated again.

"Fine!" she said in a low voice. "But the next time, I promise, I'll settle scores with you!"

"Yeah?" the fox walked away, not turning back once. "I'll be waiting."

And thus her meditation ended up yet again in frustration and angst.

_Another failed attempt._ She let out a heavy sigh and decided to head out, slinging the zanpakuto about her waist.

* * *

She could not understand why the captain was in such a place, at such an hour. She had been frustrated with her failed attempt at meditation after a failed attempt at getting herself to sleep and had thus decided to head out into the woods towards the little flowing river to seek some peace of mind. If she had suspicions that she was going insomniac due to lack of sleep or insane due to lack of patience with her zanpakuto, she just had that one place to go to calm herself down. But the plan hadn't exactly worked. Just when she had wanted to seek some isolation, she had run into a huge hollow and out of nowhere, the familiar heavily condescending reiatsu had appeared right behind her.

She wrapped her hand around the hilt of her zanpakuto and looked at the tall man standing calmly behind her from the corner of her eye. Frustrated as she was, she remembered how she was probably being considered a mere piece of trash.

"Taichou," she said, firmly, tonelessly. "I request you to stand aside and let me handle this."

He nodded slightly, his keen eyes observing as she drew her zanpakuto. _Now wait and watch_. She stared at the hollow intently, reminding herself she could not afford to mess it up if she had to prove herself. The monster was huge and surprisingly fast. Though it wouldn't be a big deal for her to take it down, she decided it was better to get it over with in a single shot.

"Strike, Raikitsu," she placidly commanded the release of her shikai.

Byakuya stared intently at the peculiar thunderbolt-like shape of her zanpakuto. It had an electric bluish glint. He saw the thunder—a fox shape outlined by that thunder—leap out at the command. The outline was like a live fox surrounded by thunderbolts, leaping gracefully at the hollow. For a second, his hand went to his zanpakuto as he saw the hollow evade it. Isshily shot him a glance from the corner of her eye as she swayed her zanpakuto slightly and the thunder fox completely changed course, piercing through the hollow in one flash.

She sheathed her zanpakuto back with a slow, graceful, almost proud, yet humble motion and looked up at the captain. His face was as impassive as ever but she could tell the hint of amazement in his eyes.

"It's different from normal lightening," she answered the unasked question. "Raikitsu's thunderbolts don't necessarily travel in straight lines. It changes course fluidly like a fox."

He looked at her simple expression, stating casually that he had misjudged her as a ghost of a smile danced somewhere at the edge of his lips. He nodded as she meaningfully gazed at him, acknowledging her strength.

The dawn was breaking somewhere in the distant sky as she walked back, head held high, finding a little satisfaction with herself.

_I'll prove myself. I'll make you acknowledge my strength one day, Raikitsu._ She stroked the hilt of the zanpakuto as she strolled towards the first rays of the sun breaking out at the horizon, a little bounce in her steps.

* * *

_asahi wa noboru  
suiheisen  
ima shinjireba kawaru no sa  
muimi ja nai ano hikari_

_[The morning sun rises  
Over the horizon  
If you believe, that meaningful light  
Will change]_

[Uragiri no Yuuyake-Theatre Brook]

* * *

**Author again: Just a little explanation:- Raikitsu comes from words 'Rai' meaning thunder and 'kitsune' meaning fox in Japanese.**

**It might have been trouble imagining the world and her shikai. I'm sorry I tried to do a decent job with it but well, we all face failures!**

**Hope you liked it. Sorry if it disappointed you. Romance still a little way down the road but definitely there! I'll try to update soon.**

**I'd like to thank the reviewers who'd been kind enough to take the pains to type a few words and also the ones who are following it. It makes me happy and urges me to keep writing :3**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please leave a review.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Isshily. Raikitsu. And the plot. That's all I own. Don't own bleach. Don't own Byakuya. Don't own Renji… NONE of them NOOOONE. No, I don't own a single one of those grins that flash on Renji's face either!**

**A/N: Yeah, this one was kind of a long wait, eh? I'm sorry I was totally stuck on this chapter. Okay, and apologies in advance for this chapter might be kinda disappointing. It's very OC-oriented and follows her through with the bonds she's starting to form around her. The plot might not make sense and look purposeless but I promise I'm going to bind it all up in subsequent chapters. No title for this one 'cause it's kind of random. I'd still request reviews anyway. Liked it/hated it, be honest and tell me, please.**

* * *

She signed the papers carefully reading one after the other. It had been a week since she had joined the squad and the vice-captain had been out on a mission for a while so being the third seat, she took up the burden of all his work aside from her own. The captain had been kind enough to help her out but she did most of it out of a compulsion to still prove herself. Byakuya understood the anxiety but felt it quite unnecessary. She wouldn't have been a third if she weren't competent. The fact that he deliberately forwarded all her paper work without looking into it twice showed she had his confidence (for obviously she wouldn't expect him to say it outright!) She looked up from the paper she'd been squinting at as his reiatsu begged her attention. It was like she couldn't stop herself from looking up every time she'd sense his approach—her eyes just traced their way to his inexpressive face and settled on his cold grey eyes of their own free will.

"I see you've been working all night," he stared back into her eyes drowsy with lack of sleep.

True she had been pulling an all-nighter to finish up the piling work. She held back a yawn as he continued to stare, blinking and then staring back at him. "I'm almost done here, Kuchiki taichou."

He closed the gap in a few steps to have a look at her papers, startling her as he leaned a little too close. She shifted a little uncomfortably but kept a straight face. Her eyes couldn't help tracing his jawline.

"No mistakes so far," he observed, straightening up. He'd gotten too close without realizing it and their eyes held the same look of surprise and discomfort even as they kept their faces straight. It was awkward and pretty useless, seeing as they could already tell by the look in their eyes.

"However," he turned around, still staring from the corner of his eye. "I suppose you cannot keep up the same accuracy in this state."

"I can," she said simply as if it was out of question for her to commit errors. "It's almost done, anyway—"

"I consider it will be a waste of time to redo the work again if there are errors," he cut her off midway and turned around to stare her eye to eye. "Hence, I cannot allow you to work in this inept condition."

"Alright, Kuchiki taichou," She rummaged through the last bunch again before getting up. The captain's voice was as impassive as ever, yet it was clearly an order. "There's just this one stack left. I'll get back to it as soon as I can."

He turned around to walk away as she made her way out. It was a weird feeling—she had caught a glimpse of those slate grey eyes from the corner and read something that she hadn't expected there, _something like concern_, she pondered for a brief second and then shrugged it off. As she tried to muffle a yawn, she felt grateful of having a captain like that.

* * *

"You," the tall red head stared at her in confusion. "You're from that day…"

"Isshily," she bowed slightly. "Third seat on the squad."

She felt awkward that he even recognized her. She had never been one to have anyone's attention. Even when in company, she'd always comfortably blur into the background. She shrugged. Well, she had raised quite a ruckus back then after all!

"Sou, sou…" he scratched the back of his head. "Eto… Isshily…?"

She looked up at his questioning face and lightly shook her head. "Just Isshily," she said tonelessly. "I come from a lower district of Rukongai. Never known family."

"Ah," Renji felt a tinge of nostalgia mingled with guilt. "G-gomen."

She looked up at him and forced the tiniest of smiles, saying 'never mind'. It did not spread any further than the set of those lips firmly drawn together in a slightly upward curve. He was taken aback by the sense of déjà vu that seemed to wash over him with that perfectly calm expressionless face bordering almost on indifference towards any emotions. The smile did not touch the eyes. He recalled the first time they'd met in the shabby little bar. She'd had an unexplainably strong sense of presence around her. She did not speak much, in fact she spoke absolutely nothing and yet he remembered how she had unknowingly been the center of attention. There was something about her that made her seem mysteriously aloof and yet drew people around. He stared at her for a second too long only to shudder inwardly at the overly familiar cold façade. Her eyes and that perfectly concealing indifferent mask resembled a lot like someone's, he just couldn't figure out.

"Well," he blinked, shrugging off the unpleasant overthinking. "See you around."

She nodded as he patted her head and walked away. It had always felt strange to her why she got patted on the head by almost everyone. She stiffened a little at the thought tracing back to a bitter memory and concentrated on the papers lying in front of her. Speaking of the word _family_, the thought distantly played up in her head. She should have paid a visit. At the very least, she must go break the news. She shrugged back the half formed thought at the unwelcome feeling in the pit of her stomach. _Not yet. I can't face it._

* * *

She walked out of the academy swiftly in the direction of her current accommodation. She felt weary and tired. Being a seated officer now, she had her rounds of providing training sessions with the students. And it required a lot of patience at times. She very cleanly went over the whole charade but inwardly, a lot many of them made her groan. She had aced most of the times and some things had always just so naturally come to her that it was hard to imagine how some students could commit such blunders in kidou and stuff. She wanted to get back as soon as possible and get a little work done in advance so she could rest easy, when a distantly familiar voice caught her.

"Isshily," she turned around to face the blond beauty waving at her excitedly. "There you are! I heard you got seated immediately below Renji. I _knew_ you were great! Congratulations."

"Rangiku-san," she recognized her, thankfully, not embarrassing herself. She felt a little awkward by the way the woman casually dropped her hand over her shoulder and chatted almost as if they had been friends for long. "Th-thank you."

"Ah so are you coming too?" she asked, dragging her to the other direction.

"Coming where?" she walked with her a little reluctantly.

"Oh we're having a small party kind of…" she sounded so excited. "And you're coming too. Nah? I told Renji to tell you," she pouted a little exaggeratedly.

"Oh, I did not see Abarai-fukutaichou today," she muttered. "I was at the academy all day, training."

"All the more reason to go out, bust some stress," Rangiku rolled her eyes in understanding. "And, oh, I'd so need you around to beat more sense into Ikkaku," she gave a short laugh. "I swear, his face next day was just…!"

"Uh, I'm sorry," she blurted as she recalled the last meeting with her and gave herself a mental smack. The way she had acted was (according to her,) utterly deplorable and undignified. She wrecked her brains for a short while for some excuse to slip away. "I—I think it's best if I don't go then."

"What are you apologizing for? It served him right!" she stuck her tongue out and then looked at her, eyes wide with glee. "He's already itching for another challenge anyway. We'll beat him again this time. We're nakama, nah? Let's have fun together!"

She looked up at her. _Nakama_… the word hardly ever fit in her world. She walked with her resignedly, telling herself it was a bad idea to slip in that delusion, and still a worse idea to turn down a senior shinigami. She wouldn't, however, act that irresponsibly again, she made a mental note about that in her head.

The place was a better surrounding than the dingy bar they had last met in. It was comfortably warm and well lit. The milling little crowd was humbler. She saw a lot of people, very few of whom she recognized. The feathered eyelashes man, Yumichika was there. A newly promoted captain, Shuuhei Hisagi caught a glimpse of her from the far corner and smiled at her and his other friend, Kira waved slightly at her. All the while she dodged the sight of the bald violent man, knowing that would end up in another big disaster! Rangiku insistently kept bringing her sake which she accepted the first few times and then conveniently poured into a nearby bonsai pot when she was sure nobody was watching. She was good at pretending so it was never a big deal. Renji would come around, chat and then disappear into the crowd time and again. She caught a glimpse of a bobbed mass of black hair and turned around to find the dark violet eyes of the petite girl staring at her. She smiled a tiny smile at her. It was Kuchiki Rukia. They had known each other for some time. For some reason, she had always felt connected to her more than anyone else. They had never talked much yet their eyes always met with an understanding of old friends. She waved back at her, a smile impulsively breaking past her otherwise impassive mask. The smile never touched her eyes, like always, but it was genuine and welcome.

* * *

"Oi," her head snapped back as she heard the familiar voice, just narrowly managing not to get caught off guard. She was so tired and weary she hadn't realized when she dozed off. There were still a lot of people there, some had passed out, some were acting brash being drunk, some just sat around still chatting and laughing. She looked up at the bellowing red head.

"A-Abarai fukutaichou," she blinked. "Are you alright?"

"Seems so," he scratched his head, staggering back a little. "I'll be going now."

"Okay wait," she said, getting off the chair. She was tired and an excuse like that was more than welcome. "I'll accompany you."

She couldn't have been more grateful that the sixth division accommodations were so conveniently located near each other.

"I'm okay I'm okay," he staggered another step. "Ah, fine not _that_ okay but I'll make it."

"I'm sure you will," she walked in front of him. "Regardless, I need to get going too now."

"Then I'm walking you home," he smirked.

"Yes, yes," she barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes. If anything, he was the one in need of being walked home to. "As you say, Abarai fukutaichou."

"Renji," he said, walking a few paces behind. "Call me that."

She nodded, not really coming up with anything else to say.

They walked for a while in utter silence. The moon hung low as a light mist diffused its radiance slightly. He looked at her from the corner of his eye. The same impassive mask as always… but there was something about her eyes that made it seem almost—_almost—_happy, but not quite. He wondered what it was about her that radiated so much of misery and dark emotions. She never seemed to betray any expression on her face—ever!

"Ah, it's nice to have a little fun with your nakama after a hard day's work," he bellowed, making the uncomfortable silence even more awkward as he saw her disinclined to reply. "It's good you are already fitting in."

"Nakama…" she repeated the word that sounded so alien to her. That was the second time in the day.

He glanced at her staring off in a distance and words came out of his mouth impulsively. He did not know why he wanted to say it—was it to comfort her or to just keep the conversation going.

"I know how it feels," he tenderly gazed at the moon. "To lose the nakama who meant the only family to you. Nobody can ever fill that gap… but there are people around you who could help—if you'd let them."

She stared at him for a brief moment. The pain was evident in his tone. No matter how much time passes, some wounds just never heal. At this point, she was at a loss of words. She did not know if there was anything she could say that would comfort him, noting distantly _why_ she even thought he needed the comfort of her words.

"I…" she blinked, looking down. "I've never had any nakama, Renji," her voice was so low he wouldn't have been able to make out if he hadn't been expecting a reply.

He stared back at her. Her tone, for once was defenselessly honest. No, he knew by the look on her face that she couldn't have been lying. But what was it about her eyes that always denied her stubborn indifference. Her eyes—they spoke of loss, an irreplaceable void that loss had left. For all the enigmatic personality that she was, he was positive about at least two things that were absolutely under his thumb now. One, there was suffering that was always evident in her eyes. It was a glimpse of everything she was inside down under that mask of nothingness. He knew he could never understand the millions of emotions those eyes spoke, but pain was one emotion that definitely overshadowed them all the time. And two, the mysterious sense of déjà vu was most definitely there. A set of deep slate grey eyes flashed through his memory. It was stupid how he'd missed it. The expressionless expression on that face—he knew it too well. But the eyes…he shrugged. For the last time, he settled on concluding that he would never understand what those eyes said.

* * *

It was raining. Again. She hated it here when it rained. It was dark and scary and utterly miserable. The black clouds that swept the floor roared louder than ever. The leaves of the trees drooped as if too burdened. The sky was a dark blue tinged with slight shade of crimson that made it even gloomier. The flowing river looked so dark, it reflected almost nothing. The frogs were gone, and so were the birds.

She stood there, letting the raindrops soak her through and through. They stung the bare skin of her face as she closed her eyes, wishing the little prickling sensations outside to overwhelm and drown out the inside ones. She truly, deeply hated it. The excruciating rain in that utterly deplorable world. Every single drop of it. She hated it. More because she knew she was the reason for it, and it was still beyond her to stop it. She felt helpless against it. Utterly helpless.

She waited till the light nudge to her side forced her to open her eyes. The fox stood there, wet through and through, its head drooping. The edges of its mouth were pulled down in a tight curve, as teardrops glistened at the edges of its eyes. It sniffed, nuzzling into her side. She felt torn. Yes, they had never been on friendly terms but she still hated to be the reason for another's misery. She gingerly trailed her fingers over its head, then patted it, trying to comfort the poor creature. It was warm. She fought the urge to wrap her arms around it and pull it closer. Trying to get too proximate had been counterproductive, as she knew from experience.

"Raikitsu," she whispered softly, trying to keep her voice form shaking. "I'm so sorry."

The fox stared at her with forlorn eyes and then slowly shook its head. "I know," it whimpered. "It hurts."

She swallowed the lump forming in her throat, taking a deep breath which threatened to break into sobs. She held on. It was not her place to throw off her burden on someone else. She caressed the fox's head, taking her time to calm down enough to speak.

"It's okay," she whispered at last, not believing her own words. "Everything's going to be alright."

For that moment, she would not—_could not_—think of comforting Raikitsu. Her words, no matter how hollow they sounded, were an attempt to convince herself. For once, she tried to take comfort in that. She desperately wanted to make herself believe it.

"It's all okay," she hoped… almost too hopelessly, she hoped.

* * *

There were times like these when even he got tired of the endless charade. Twisting and flipping uncomfortably in bed, he sighed. There was no sleep coming his way tonight. The meticulous order of things haunted him. The deathly silence surrounding the huge mansion deafened him. The gentle fragrance of flowers blooming in the garden, wafting with the wind through the window… it made him sick. Nights like these would bring his soul to a sudden stir and the eternal question about life would glare back at him. Kuchiki Byakuya was tired… tired of the unchanging flow of time he felt so powerless against—if only he had the power to change it!

He sighed; knowing there was no one to hear it. He wiped the sweat beads off his forehead; knowing there was no one to see it. He let his defenses fall; knowing there was no one to notice it, no one to stand by his side and help him gather up the pieces again. He did not know if he should be thankful or feel sorry for the fact that there just was no one. He slid the door open and stepped out. The vast mansion seemed to be closing in on him, suffocating him. There was no peace to be found. But there was one place where he could just catch his breath.

The wind rustling the green leaves in the dense area hummed a gentle lullaby to his ears as he walked slowly, feeling the soft earth under his feet. The sweet smell of the wild flowers soothed his senses a slight bit. The cold wind did not feel so cold against the bare skin of his forehead which was damp with perspiration.

He pondered over the glaring question again. There was eternity that stretched behind him… through which he had experienced loss… suffered… so much that he was tired now, tired of keeping up the everyday charade. But the eternity that stretched in front of him… it held nothing of his interest… absolutely nothing meaningful and definitely nothing even close to joy, which he had long given up anticipating. As he walked slowly to his destination, he realized that at his young age, he was too old.

He winced a little as a familiar sense of reiatsu hit him, the same time that she winced and their eyes traced back to each other. Once again, grey eyes locked onto brown ones. He found them as dead as his own. Tired. Defeated. And then, he felt just a pinch of relief wash over him as he realized he wasn't alone. There were still fools like him who went on with the charade of life even after they had been long dead. Even when people treated them like they lived, in truth, they had been long gone. Inside of them, they carried nothing but broken pieces. And still, the wheel of life went round. And they continued to exist with it.

* * *

She hopped over the rooftops towards the direction of the hollows. It was just a small assignment in the real world but since there was no major work, the vice-captain decided to accompany her, stealing a chance to meet up with his friends down in Karakura.

"Oi, I guess you can handle it by yourself," he said, grinning in her direction, a few other squad members trailing behind. "I'll leave this to you."

"Re-Renji," she glared as he winked at her, changing directions. "Why did you even—"

"Okay I owe you one," he waved his hand over his head, still grinning. "Just let me off this once."

She barely contained the urge to roll her eyes and give him an exasperated look as she waved him off. It was just a small assistance call from an academy team that was on a round to check hollows in the real world. She could handle it. Plus the brighter than usual grin on the read-head's face somehow compelled her to nod an okay.

As they reached the spot, she saw the young academy team efficiently evading the attacks from a small group of hollows. Some were trying to hold them off. Nobody was hurt but they were pretty much on the defensive. She nodded at them to back out as she took over, directing her subordinates to cover up. It was an easy task. They slashed through the bunch of them in a matter of mere minutes, except for two who were being a little notorious with their speed. She calculated their moves coolly and decided the release of shikai would be better to get it over with sooner.

"Oh, isn't that hollow…" she overheard a subordinate whispering. "It… it's the one that fled the scene that day after devouring the son of Arai clan."

She went numb for a brief moment as her eyes darted back and forth the man and the hollow. She felt like she was going to have a seizure, her knees feeling too weak to move as she stood frozen in the spot gripping the hilt of the katana so tight her hand hurt, her knuckles turning white. There was pain shooting in every direction through her chest. Her eyes got wider, a snarl escaping her throat as the skin over her jaws strained. She could have looked a complete monster as she literally bared all her teeth, her lips tightly pulled back. In that moment of rage, she saw nothing but the hollow, her vision darkening. She did not hear the bewildered gasps of the subordinates as a few called over her name. Adrenaline pulsed through her veins and she launched herself at the monster, her head throbbing with a thousand images of things she had buried long back.

"STRIKE, RAIKITSU," the fox thunder leapt out, flashing swiftly as the hollow narrowly evaded it. She let out a shriek as she flung it thoughtlessly around. One of the shinigamis just barely dodged as it soared his direction, shouting over to the others to restrain her. She was fast but she wasn't thinking as she moved in on the hollow. The monster caught a perfect chance, grabbing her foot in mid-air and slammed her down hard, her head hit the sidewalk. The vision blurred out and blanked for a second before she shot out a kidou spell which, again, it dodged neatly, reading her outrageous, not-so-thought-out moves. She gasped as the giant hand clamped her around the waist so tight she couldn't breathe, it was going to crush her. The zanpakuto fell from her hand as the devil eyes stared her down. In that instant, she knew what it felt like to come face to face with death. Her insides calmed down as she stopped struggling. She wasn't going to make it any further. The weight of regrets she would have carried onto another life was too much to think of. She closed her eyes, excepting the excruciating pain with an unnatural calm. Fear was the last emotion she could have had. _I'm sorry, nii-sama. I failed._ Despair. Regret. Those were the only feelings that wrecked her.

"Hoeru, Zabimaru," her eyes snapped open only to be blinded by a flash as she caught a flash of a raggedly sharp edge of a zanpakuto slice out the hollow. The voice travelled clear over its deafening cry as it vanished. Knocked out of breath as she landed on the hard ground, she coughed hard.

"Oi, Isshily, daijobu ka?" she heard the concerned voice of the vice-captain and held up a hand, stopping him.

"I'm… fine," she forced herself back up straight as her leg screamed under her weight. It was sprained probably but not broken. The blood dripping down her forehead blurred the vision of one eye as she registered the pain shooting up her spine. He moved a step in her direction and she staggered back, then without a word, leapt atop a roof and disappeared in a flash. She could have just collapsed but she pushed herself to move, ignoring all the pain. She should have been done for and perished right there, but for a certain red-head, she felt a bitter feeling rise up to choke her throat. She hated it. Simply hated it.

* * *

He did not mind the disconcertingly familiar reiatsu tweaking his senses anymore as he walked the same path to the riverside. It had become another monotony yet again. When sleepless nights would compel him to step out, he would find her in the same spot most of the times. An eye-contact, a little relieving realization of understanding and a slight nod in each other's direction before he went on to walk and she sat quietly by the brook, contemplating. If there were nights when he didn't show up or she wasn't in her spot, that implied either of the poor souls could be lucky enough to catch a few hours of shut eye.

But there was something different about tonight. He felt a calm prevail over him inside yet something made him drag himself out there. He noticed she did not radiate her usual reiatsu as he approached—rather it was fierce, flaring high at times.

He calmly made his way. She stood huffing and sweating, her zanpakuto gripped tight in her hands. Her eyes burned with rage and her movements, as she swung the zanpakuto around were distinctly agitated. She saw his usual calm face as she kept her eyes from tracing back to his. The aura around him was unusually calm. He shouldn't have to be there tonight. She did not pause as he stood there scrutinizing her moves closely. She did not even lower her zanpakuto or swing it a little less forcefully as he came within its range. She was in no mood of considering what her blade cut. She let the rage take over her mind and body.

He bent down to pick up a sturdy stick from the ground and pointed it at her. Her eyes flickered to him for a second, half disbelieving, half angered at some supposed mockery. He simply nodded, signaling her forward. She leapt at him, wildly swinging her katana. With one swift action, he dodged the attack and brought the stick down whack on her head. She flushed a little, rubbing the sour spot, holding back curses. She pointed the zanpakuto at him again, determined and in no mood of giving up. Within a blink of an eye, she was down on the ground, his tall figure towering over her as he held _her_ zanpakuto, its edge inches away from her throat. She looked up at him with a calm face even as her flustered mind wondered when he had managed to get a hold of her zanpakuto.

"Your hohou is quite weak," he said, driving her zanpakuto into the ground next to her face. "Though your zanjutsu is exceptional for a new comer, you let your emotions guide the attacks, reducing the zanpakuto to a mere katana with no potential. Half the battle is already lost when you let instincts overwhelm your mind. Rage is a liability on battlegrounds."

She blinked, getting a hold of herself and flinging back to her feet. She sheathed the zanpakuto and looked at him. He was already walking away, his back facing her.

"Teach me," he paused and looked over his shoulder as her voice came out loud and clear. She was bowing, all honesty and humility in the posture. "Teach me, Kuchiki taichou."

He stared for a long moment into her unblinking eyes. They were determined, not wavering at the slightest as his sudden reiatsu flare threatened to buckle her knees under her. She stood straight, staring right back.

"Very well," he said, bringing his reiatsu back in control. "I shall teach you."

She bowed as he stepped in front of her. "Remember, the first rule, do no ever let your emotions overshadow your rationality…"

And thus they began training. Every night, he would teach her a new technique and closely observe all her minutest errors. He would drill the lessons into her head till she completely mastered it. She faltered and injured herself and at times even felt utter despair with every defeat. But a spark kept her moving, her eyes set on the one goal she had. She learnt and that was what mattered at the end of it all.

He enjoyed the tough training as much as she did. He noticed every little improvement and scrutinized every little error with keen observant eyes. He contented himself in seeing how perceptively she grasped each and every word he spoke and pushed harder against her limits. There was a certain sense of satisfaction he derived from watching her get better at zanjitsu and hohou, at times she could almost match his flash steps and he wondered how she managed to learn so fast.

In truth, beside all the thrill of the training, it was also an escape from nights that were haunted by loneliness for both the souls that had been so utterly defeated in spirit. It was a welcome distraction from the tiring charade. None of them had felt more alive in decades.

* * *

**A/N: Oh, I know it was disappointing but I was so suffering a writer's block *sweatdrop* of course, that still doesn't count as an excuse. Yep, a little reference to Arai clan, I'll get to that in the next chapter and I _swear_ it'll be sooner.**

**That said, I've been lacking motivation so much lately *eyes well up with tears* so please REVIEW. Tell me what you felt about it… _any_thing…?! Review review review… just review x_x**

**Anyway, I'll update soon. Thank you for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Kubo-sensei does! You know it!**

**A/N: Okay, this is another long chapter. Had a lot on my mind, did not come out very convincingly. But please read and review.**

**Also, I'd like to thank the reviewers, followers, and ones who favorite it :) yay you motivate me! Hugs and kisses!**

* * *

Chapter 4: Respect

"Hadou no san-juu-ichi: shakkahou," the surroundings blew up totally with the target. The young boy glared at the smoke rising from his destructive art spell gone wrong. He stiffened a bit as she came up behind him and lightly placed her hand over his shoulder. She had been popular throughout the academy for acing all her way to an early graduation. There were many like him who looked up to her.

"S-sumimasen, Isshily-senpai," he stuttered nervously. It wasn't like she was scary or anything. On the contrary, she was pretty gentle with them all even though she stayed kind of uptight. Yet, her being around had a slightly nerve-wrecking impact on most of them.

"What are you apologizing for, Kouichi-kun," she gave his shoulder a light squeeze. "Nobody's perfect. You learn with your mistakes."

He slightly tilted his head and gave her a sweetly nervous smile. She felt awkward. She never meant to intimidate anyone and yet all the students seemed to be so afraid of her. She always tried to make them all comfortable by deliberately being overly gentle. And yet, somehow, they always gave her the kind of looks that her speaking a single word would send them running away in terror. She sighed inwardly. _Am I a monster or something?!_ It was true that she sometimes lost her patience with them but she had never let it show on her face. She admitted she wasn't a great teacher when it came to training but she was learning. Training with the captain did not just teach her techniques. There were a lot of things she learnt from him on the emotional level. She tried to emulate how calmly he corrected her mistakes again and again without snapping when she herself felt desperately hopeless. He never lost his patience with her.

"Hadou no san-juu-ichi: shakkahou," again, he blew up the target surroundings, although it was more because of nervousness. "Argh!" he groaned, pulling at his hair. "It's so frustrating."

She knew she was distracting him more by standing there, observing so keenly. She reached out her hand to pat his head, a little gesture to lighten him up. A slight shade of red crept onto his cheeks.

"Try to lower the pressure you put into it, Kouichi-kun," she said walking away from him. "I'll check on you later."

"Your posture isn't correct," she said, making her way to two students practicing with their swords. "Here, hold it like this. Easy. And lower the angle just a bit."

She could feel the girl shudder slightly as she placed a hand on her back to lean her to the angle. She barely held back a sigh. No matter how hard she tried, she just seemed to make the people around her flinch.

"They'll get used to having you around in some time," the husky voice of the vice-captain came from behind her. She wondered uncomfortably how he managed to read her thoughts sometimes when she wasn't even facing him. Well the sleeplessness was kind of rubbing off on her, leaving her a little disoriented and just a bit short on maintaining her composure. She turned to face her self-proclaimed nakama—not that she minded it one bit, in fact, she honestly kind of liked his company. He was funny and goofy and downright stupid sometimes but he made everyone so comfortable around himself, as if he had this inherent magnetism in him.

"It was the same with me when I started," he said. "That's just the way they are."

She nodded her head, looking around, wondering if had she ever been this nervous back in her academy days when she had training sessions with seated officers possessing fairly strong reiatsu. No, she had never been nervous—not even around captains—except for one man whose reiatsu wasn't just strong but intimidating too. She had to admit, she still felt nervous training with the captain.

"Okay, settle down everyone," he shouted and the buzzing students turned to stare at him. "Time for some watch-and-learn lessons."

"Watch-and-learn?" she echoed.

"Yeah," he grinned at her. "Let's say a little duel. Show them how to kick some ass."

"Renji," she shook her head. "We're here to train them, not fight each other."

"Oh come on, what do you think are we doing this together for?" he stared at her. "If it were just training we could do it individually. But it would do them good to witness some one on one."

"One on one…" she repeated as he took a few steps in the opposite direction, stretching himself.

"Unless…" he tossed her a nonchalant look and a little smirk formed on his face. "You are scared of a beating."

Boy, was he challenging her? Seemed like that.

"Alright. Sounds okay to me," she replied, calmly, stretching herself too. "Of course, no releasing the zanpakuto though. We can't cause damage inside the compound."

"Yeah yeah," he said. "Just the sword and kidou. But let me remind you, it's the battleground situation they require to have a little insight into so I ain't gonna go easy on you."

"Hai, hai," she unsheathed her zanpakuto as she bowed and took her stance. Of course, he was her superior and definitely on a much higher level but she wasn't backing down from a challenge. She wouldn't mind learning a thing or two here and might as well get to see how her training had been paying off. He gave her a smug grin before he launched himself into action. Their katanas met with a clink. He was fast but the captain had been working her so hard on houhou, there was no way she would miss his movements, which were considerably slower than Byakuya's. She dodged his attacks cleanly, trying to get back at him but he was definitely a lot better than her. She could hear a few students cheer and gasp. Their movements might be a little too fast for them to keep up with. She wondered if that pointless little watch-and-learn activity was even worth it but shrugged it off. Now that they were into it, she just decided to get on with it. He grinned as she moved her katana in front of her just in time to block off his attack. She could see he was still holding back, which infuriated her a little, even when she tried not to let it affect her. He attacked again and she blocked it off, but in an instance, he was behind her, pinning her hand to her back. She mentally cursed herself for overthinking and losing track of his movements. Now she was stuck. His katana was inches from her throat and her hand was firmly locked back. The other hand held the katana which she obviously couldn't fling at him for he was right behind her and there was no way she could twist out of the firm hold to look at him.

"Owari da," he said through his grin, bringing the zanpakuto even closer so that it just touched her throat. She knew struggling wouldn't get her anywhere. The students began to clap, thinking it was over when she suddenly let go of her katana in mid-air and pushed back his blade with her bare hand, twisting around to get out of the lock as she took him by surprise. He could hardly blink as she caught the katana before it hit the ground and flung it at him. He barely managed to block it off, gaping at her speed.

"Hadou no yon: byakurai," she shot at him in another split second, and he stumbled, narrowly dodging it. His zanpakuto dug into the ground as he rolled over. She flash stepped right in front of him and pointed the tip of her katana inches from his throat, her other hand managing to get hold of his zanpakuto. He blinked, clearly surprised. He saw blood tracing its way down the hilt of her katana and drip down, realizing she should have cut her hand pretty bad when she pushed away his katana with her bare hand. He blinked at her huffing little frame. The bell went off in the distance and the cheering students started filing out of the compound, but they registered nothing, their eyes locked onto each other. Then slowly, he swallowed and wrapped his hand around the bare blade, lightly but firmly. She did not move an inch, knowing full well that could cut his hand, but offered the other hand to him, letting go of his zanpakuto that she had managed to steal. He took the hand and rolled back to his feet, still not letting go of her blade.

"Isshily-senpai, that was amazing," the young boy came up from behind.

"Ah, arigatou, Kouichi-kun," she said, snapping out of it.

He looked down at her bleeding hand clutching the hilt and gave a worried look. "A-are you okay? Shall I get you bandages?"

"Oh…" she registered the pain in her palm for the first time. And hell, it really hurt! She kept her face straight, wondering how deep the cut could be. "I-it's nothing, Kouichi-kun. Just a little… I'll get it fixed right away. Don't worry about it."

"Oh okay," he looked at the vice-captain who was still staring—more like glaring—at his third seat and back to where his hand still held the naked blade of her katana. "Abarai-san, that might injure you…"

She blinked, looking down at the katana. After another long moment of staring—or glaring—he let go of it.

"Get to class, kid," Renji pointed at the boy. "I'll get her bandages if she needs."

"H-hai," he immediately stumbled out.

She sheathed her sword and tore off a rough piece of cloth from her shihakusho and wrapped it around her hand, trying to conceal the gash. She would do something about it once she was out of here. As she turned to leave, Renji blocked her way.

"We gotta talk," he said, more like an order. She looked up at him, registering the fact that even though he was her superior, he had never actually used that kind of a tone with her.

"Hai, Abarai fukutaichou," she calmly replied, taking the same formal tone.

He sighed, shifting his weight slightly to a relaxing posture. "As a friend."

She blinked. It was so hard to understand him. A moment ago, he had almost been glaring at her and now his expression was so… soft with concern. "What is it… Renji?"

He took her hand, examining the wound for a second. It still bled. The gash was pretty deep.

"Why?" he asked softly. "What is it, Isshily? Why are you pushing yourself so hard? Why would you do that to yourself? Why…"

"Why, of course!" her voice was hard, as matter-of-factly as her face. "We all have our reasons. Don't you?"

"I…" he carefully wrapped the piece of cloth back around her hand, tight enough to temporarily stop the bleeding. "I do, of couse. That's not what I mean. It's just… it's not _proper_… you are being reckless. What are you in so much hurry for, Isshily?"

She looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. He stared for long enough to realize she wasn't going to answer him. Her usual hard expression was in place and he could tell by the way her jaw was strained that she was trying hard to keep it there. He sighed, placing a hand on her shoulder. He knew she wasn't the kind of person to share her thoughts with anyone. And he knew he had no right to be prying into any of her personal matters. But then he had called her a friend—they _were_ friends. And he wasn't just going to sit back and watch her waste herself like that.

"Tell me, oi," he lightly shook her shoulder.

"You tell me, Renji," she turned to look him directly in the eye. She wasn't ready just yet to open herself up to anyone. She knew she wasn't strong enough. Somewhere, she knew nobody would really understand—much less care about it. She wasn't even sure if she could _try_ to tell anyone… how could she? Without ripping up all that she had shoved deep down into a corner… how could she ever tell?

"Okay…" he said quietly. "I'll tell you."

She blinked. _Just like that?_ How much did they even know each other? And he was ready to tell her everything? Or maybe it wasn't a very big deal for everybody… not the way it was for her…

"Why would you tell me?" she blurted. Her voice came out empty… as if it had become a characteristic of her cold outer self. But her words held more to them. He knew they did.

"Because we are nakama," he said simply, shrugging as he started walking to a corner and sat down. "You asked me… and so I'll tell you."

Since when had the world become so simple? She stared at his honest expression as a feeling of guilt rose up her throat. She did not want any of it. She had just wanted to be left alone, to herself. But now that he wouldn't… she admitted, she didn't really mind it. And so she followed him to the corner and sat down beside him. He stared in the distance for a long moment, trying to gather his thoughts.

"I'll tell you… Renji," she said. Her voice was plain. He stared at her. He didn't think she would. But his innocent gesture had been so painfully honest. It wouldn't hurt to skip a few details and tell him the truth.

"I made a promise," she gathered herself, keeping her voice low as she tried to skip past the bitter line her thoughts were tracing back to. "… I made a promise with someone… I want to reach the top. I have to. And I know I can't do that if I'm not strong enough. I have to push my limits… I have to train harder. I can't stop just yet. So I do it… injuries don't mean much to me, if I lose, I'd rather be as good as dead. A scar or two is trivial. What matters is I reach there. That's all there is to it."

"A scar or two?" he muttered. "You almost got yourself killed that day. If I hadn't sensed it, if I hadn't made it in time… well you know."

"I know. I would have been dead. And I know it was foolish," she admitted simply. "Thanks for that."

He stared at her. Her expression was so deliberately hard, as if trying to conceal something. It didn't sound as easy as she put it. He wondered if there was more to her words. Maybe it had something to do with that 'promise'… for now, he knew that was as far as he could inquire. She did not speak anymore and he decided it was his turn.

"I… well, I have always wanted to surpass Kuchiki taichou," he said. Well, now _that_ was a surprise for her. "The first time that I saw him, I was still at the academy. He had come to talk Rukia into being adopted in his clan. I still clearly remember the impact his reiatsu had on me. I couldn't even look up at him. It was as if I couldn't move anymore. I just stood frozen… ever since that day, I've trained like a man possessed to catch up to him."

She stared at him for a long moment. She had definitely not expected that. It was very personal and he had just so simply stated it. And even though she had no right to be saying anything about it, she couldn't help herself. "Is that what you really want, Renji?"

He looked back at her, a little surprised. "What do you mean?"

She shook her head. "Tell me, Renji. Why do you want to surpass Kuchiki taichou? And what once you do? I've seen enough of you. Through so many years, you've stood and fought _together_ with him. Do you even want to fight _against_ him anymore? I've seen it in your eyes, Renji. That respect—no respect can't even begin to describe it—_that's_ what I see in your eyes when you look at him. You look up to him, Renji. Then why? Do you even have a motive behind wanting to surpass him? Ask yourself… do you really still want that?"

He stared at her as if she had just punched him in the gut. For once, he couldn't even seem to comprehend what she was saying.

"I know it's hard to let go of something which you have been clinging onto for so long…" she said, sighing just slightly. Why was she talking so much? And to someone who probably wouldn't even care? "But isn't it just stupid? Things change, Renji, people change, _you_ change and so do your reasons… then isn't it better to just discard what is obsolete? Or is holding onto those notions going to do you any good?"

He did not say anything for a long time. She did not care to, either. The silence was awkward and inclining her towards just getting up and leaving.

"That was the most you have spoken so far, you know," he gave her a sheepish grin. "I didn't know you had such philosophical brains."

She could have literally punched him if she could. But then, it wasn't her place to be preaching. Who was she to be trying to make him see things her way?! She let the moment pass, her rigid mask not wavering one bit. Then she got up.

"Sometimes, I do," she said, not looking back at him as he watched her brush at her cloths. "I'm sorry, Abarai fukutaichou. It wasn't my place to be saying anything about your views."

"Wait—" he started but she cut him off.

"Now then, I'll see you tomorrow," she said, walking away. "It's getting late and I have to rest up so I can get to work early."

He sat back and watched her go. He had no idea what to say. He probably had offended her. But it was too much for him to take in a day. He shook his head and sighed. The woman was strange. He would never understand.

Once out of view, she started running. She needed to get her mind off things. She had been stupid. Why did she have to say so much?! She wondered if she had offended him. _Probably._ He was too nice to say anything but well! She made a mental note to not let her tongue run lose the next time. She was, after all his subordinate.

* * *

He watched her walking slowly towards him. Her hand was tied up with bandages. He wondered if she could even hold her katana properly with that but then if she couldn't, she wouldn't have showed up for training. Asking her if she was okay was really pointless. For one, he could see she wasn't—with those bags under her reddened eyes and the bandaged hand. And well, he knew she'd just nod an 'I am okay' even if he asked. Kuchiki Byakuya had never been one to consider if one was okay or not. Really.

"I apologize for being late, Kuchiki taichou," she bowed.

He simply nodded. There wasn't a fixed time. She just happened to be there whenever he showed up. He hadn't worried when he hadn't found her there. Really. He hadn't wondered why she was late or if she was going to show up at all. Really. He had just stood there, not wanting to admit the awkwardness. Kuchiki Byakuya was never awkward. Really.

"I think I got what you were saying yesterday. Are we going to practice it again today?" she unsheathed her zanpakuto. Her hand hurt like hell—if she could cringe, she would have—but well she wasn't the kind to fuss over it. To prove the point to herself, she tightened her grip. Hell no, it really did hurt!

He observed her with keen eyes. As expected. Why was it all so familiar? How could he tell every action of hers beforehand? The woman was scary. He knew her through and through. Or so he thought. Because he knew _himself_ in and out. Oh, well! Kuchiki Byakuya wasn't one to reason with irrelevant thoughts. Really.

"We will practice only shunpo today," he said, toneless as ever.

"But…" she blinked. They had been practicing combined things for some time. She had just put that training to good use earlier when she had attacked Renji with kidou and her sword while using shunpo to block and attack. So what was the point of practicing individual techniques again? But well, the captain must have a reason—he always did! Really.

She nodded and sheathed her zanpakuto back in its place, thankful for once. Because she wouldn't admit it but her hand really did hurt and she wondered if she could have been able to keep up with the training today. She looked at his impassive face. And she did _not_ wonder if she saw a little flash of concern in his eyes. Because Kuchiki Byakuya wasn't one to be concerned about anyone. Really.

* * *

She literally cursed herself all the way to the sixth division barracks as she flash stepped. She was late. Sleep had finally taken its toll on her and even though she felt great, she couldn't believe she had overslept so bad. There had to be a lot of pending work. She walked to the captain's office swiftly and after a moment's hesitation, knocked on it, taking a deep breath before entering at his permission. There was definitely an accusing look on his placid face.

"I apologize, Kuchiki taichou," she bent a little too low. "I… I overslept. Sorry for being late I shall make up for the lost hours."

"Very well," he said, handing her a huge pile of papers. She looked around the office to notice the vice-captain wasn't there yet. _Late as usual!_

"Excuse me," she bowed again before turning to leave and literally crashed against something. She looked up. "Ah, I'm sorry, Abarai fukutaichou."

He did not look at her, but walked straight to the captain. She picked up the few papers from the ground pondering over his serious expression. There was something about the way he looked the captain so directly in the eye.

"Kuchiki taichou," his tone was different than usual. He bowed in front of him rigidly but very, very sincerely. "I request you recommend me for a captain to a division. There are a lot of divisions which need a captain as of late and I believe I can help. I have the recommendations of four other captains. Please, relieve me from under you so I could be of use to another division."

Had she been distraught like she was a few hours ago, she wouldn't have been able to keep her jaw from dropping open. But she knew better than that. The captain stared at him for a long moment with an unreadable expression.

"Renji," he said and at long last, the subordinate raised his head to look at the captain. "There is no reason for me to recommend you for a captain."

"Eh?" he stared at the captain in disbelief. "T-taichou…"

"But there isn't one to not recommend you either," in case nobody got the joke… well, he didn't know enough about joking—and his toneless voice always made it impossible!

There was a moment of silence as she stared at both her superiors whose eyes were locked onto each other's. And then they saw a ghost of a smile appear on the captain's face. The hard expression on Renji's face slowly broke out into a grin and he started laughing. She stood staring, lost for once. There was so much in that simple moment, she couldn't hold her jaw in place. She saw pride… so much of pride in the captain's eyes as he stared at the baka red-head. She was sure she wasn't hallucinating the little sparkling on the edges of her vice-captain's eyes as he grinned. The environment was so heavily glowing with respect radiating all over. The moment was such a private one, she felt awkward to be intruding and so she stealthily slipped away. She realized she was going to crack up. She dumped the papers on her work table and flashed out of the division. First, she had to gather herself together. She couldn't get the images of a few minutes back out of her head. She couldn't believe she was going to cry and laugh at the same time. There wasn't a way she could hold back. There was just way too much in that little moment—even though it did not concern her at all—she felt it to the core of her heart. She hopped over a few rooftops and sat down at the edge of a cliff overlooking her training spot. And then she let the smile trace its way to her lips as her cheeks moistened with two streaks flowing down from her eyes.

There was beauty and sincerity and respect and so much of undefined in that moment, she couldn't help her own confusion over tears and smile.

* * *

"Yo," she heard the familiar husky voice from behind her half an hour later.

"Renji?" she did not look up to confirm, still staring in the distance, replaying the moment in her head over and over.

"Taichou will definitely not be happy," he said, plopping down beside her. "Not a good idea to be sitting here idle when you have work piling up back in the division."

"Says the person who never does the paperwork in time," she muttered.

He grinned, staring in the distance. Both had the same lost look on their faces. The silence was more than enough to substitute for conversation. She leaned her head to his side. There was no way she could keep up the same charade in front of him. The idiot had so easily barged into her space she couldn't help it for now.

"Arigatou na," he said under his breath. She stared up at him but he didn't meet her eye. "For snapping me out of it… honestly, I've always been the same idiot. I need people to do the thinking for me."

"Renji…" she couldn't think of words. She didn't need words. She reached out her hand to squeeze his lightly.

"So now that I'm moving up…" he said. "You move up too."

She blinked at him, suddenly attentive.

"Don't give me that look," he laughed. "Who's gonna be the vice-captain now then, except the third seat of course."

"I…" she grasped his words slowly. "I… I don't think I can, Renji…"

"Oh you can't?" he smirked. "Never thought you were the 'I can't' kind."

"No… I mean… I _can_ but…" she trailed off.

"You deserve it, Isshily," he looked her in the eye, sincerely. "In any other division, you could have already been… it was just because of me that you were stuck at the third."

"But…" she shook her head. "I'm way lower than your level to take your place."

"Not really that far down," he grinned, teasingly. "Not that you can surpass me, though. But you can always try."

"Oh I shall, most definitely," she shot back. That was how she knew her thickhead vice-captain.

_Vice-captain. Me?_ She couldn't help the little jump in her stomach. _I… I made it a step closer. Just a little more…_ she smiled. Renji could only blink. That wasn't much of a smile but coming from her, it was like a miracle. Had she ever really smiled? Because it looked totally unused on her face… so pristine. He smiled back.

"Get to work, woman," he said getting up. "You have tons lying untouched at your desk. Unless you want to be chased off with a senbonzakura."

She shook her head, getting up. "Don't worry about it just yet, Abarai fukutaichou. I am better than you in at least _that_ work. If you haven't been chased off like that yet, then I can still consider myself safe."

He laughed lightly. So much had changed since the baka onna had come into his sphere. Yes, things changed, people changed, he changed and so did his reasons.

* * *

_We are all rowing the boat of fate_

_The waves keep on comin' and we can't escape_

_But if we ever get lost on our way_

_The waves will guide you through another day_

_Tooku de iki o shiteru_

_Toumei ni natta mitai_

_Kurayami ni omoeta kedo_

_Mekakushi sareteta dake_

_[Far away, I'm breathing_

_As if I were transparent_

_It would seem I was in the dark_

_But I was only blindfolded]_

[Life is like a boat-Rei Fu]

* * *

**A/N: I never actually thought this chapter would drag out this long -.- sorry 'bout that! Apologies for any disappointments. Yes, now that I've built up on the mystery for long enough, next up: the past that haunts her.**

**Thank you for reading!**

**Please leave a review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Well, I don't own Bleach 'cause I am no genius!**

**A/N: This is a long chapter and might not be great. Details about her past and why she has become the person she is. Apologies in advance for any disappointments. Also, it might get a little confusing between the two time-spans so I wrote the whole flashback in italics. The normal font is when it comes back to the present.**

**Read and review… like really… REVIEW :3**

* * *

Chapter 5: The Past

The moon was barely visible in its receding arc. The plentiful stars made it bright enough though. She walked in a slow pace. After all of the day's work, her body would hardly cooperate. She was literally dragging herself out here. But there was no way she wouldn't visit this place today. Even if it'd feel like razors working their way through the still beating thing in her chest. Even if it'd suffocate her to death. She'd just come, sit here and let the numbing sensation take over her mind and body.

She sighed as she settled down on a grassy patch beside the serenely flowing brook. The gentle touch of grass blades felt nice—the tingling feeling under those palms that had been hardened through so much of toil. It felt unusual—to have anything but the hilt of her zanpakuto gripped in her palms. That felt more real… more like her.

It was a happy day for her. She did not come here for the usual numbing out. She came here to share her happiness. The bliss in her mind and the bliss surrounding her—mixing in together—it all made her want to inhale so bad that her lungs would burst.

"Ladies shouldn't be wandering off to deserted places so late at night," came a deep, husky voice from behind her. It did not take even a second to realize who it belonged to. She sighed—happy or irritated, she could not tell. "Abarai fukutaichou, what are _you_ doing here?"

"That's the last time you will call me that," she could almost hear the smirk in his voice. She did not look at him as he came and settled beside her. She did not want to be disturbed at a time like this, in a place like this. It was all too personal a space for her. Nonetheless, she was glad of the company. It was okay—for a change—to not be alone.

"I guess, yeah," she almost rolled her eyes. "I didn't congratulate you on moving up the ranks, did I?"

"Nope."

"Well, congratulations, soon-to-be-taichou, Abarai Renji," her greeting felt too toneless.

He smiled. "Then I too should—"

"Not yet, Renji," she cut him off. "There's still a long way to go. I'll let you congratulate me once I reach there."

Her voice was toneless and serious as always, and yet it somehow had an unusually calm ring to it. Through all this time of working together, he had learnt to decipher the tone behind her toneless voice. He wasn't perfect, but today, he could tell she was happy—something that hardly ever happened.

He shook something in her face. Distracted from the reverie of her thoughts, she squinted at the thing gleaming in the light of the stars—_what?!_ She gave him a no-no stare, he returned it with a grin and a light nudge with the elbow.

"Come on, it's not too often that you get to drink, right?" he almost thrust the bottle of sake at her. She shook her head.

"I _prefer_ that," she asserted.

Renji rolled his eyes at her. Of course, this was his direct subordinate—the only person in the whole division whom he'd had so much of trouble handling. He couldn't tell what was on her mind—ever. But he did figure out a way to decipher her mood at times. To everyone else, her expression was always that blank, impassive, cold look, but to him, there were a hundred things he could tell behind that cold mask.

"It's okay," he insisted. "Our own little celebratory party—take it like that."

"You've already had enough, I can tell that much," she observed.

He gave a sheepish grin. "Well, you know how it is with Ikkaku, Yumichika and all…"

She did not need to know. That bunch always—_always_— just needed a reason to celebrate—go out drinking and act like maniacs. Though she could tell the red-head was well within his limits—he was almost unphased even though he would have had a decent amount down his throat so far. It amazed her how a person could hold in so much of alcohol and act like usual—well, almost usual.

She took another moment to think and then shrugged and took the bottle from him._ Just a little bit would do no harm, eh?_

"Kanpai!" they cheered, silently. It wasn't like her to raise a ruckus over cheering and stuff. It was just a gesture. She did most conventional things out of compulsive courtesy rather than feelings.

They just sat there, taking in the view of the beautiful, silent night. None of them spoke. That was the way things were with her—always. She never spoke much. He had come to understand by her little reactions—a sagging shoulder here, a tilt of head there—if she was feeling good or uncomfortable around someone. It was amazing how he could understand so much of a person who, for most people, was a 'stone-faced, unfeeling _person _(if, at all, you could call her that)'. For now, he could tell by the way she sat there so unguarded and _almost_ vulnerable, that she was feeling happy. Her relaxed face glowed with an unusual calm that radiated off of her. He could swear it was the closest she could get to displaying any sort of comfort around anyone. She wasn't a very social type. She just remained balled up in her own guarded corner.

"So starting tomorrow," he broke the silence that enveloped them. "We won't be working together anymore." He smiled a weak smile. It had been so long since he'd been in that division. Now that he was moving up, he finally realized how much he'd miss the things he'd always taken for granted.

"Yeah," was all she said as she continued staring in the distance. Her mind seemed to be somewhere far off. She did not seem to much care about what he was saying, just his being there was all she was conscious of. For another long moment of silence, they sat and stared at the little arced moon. When finally he was startled by her low voice.

"Renji," he realized his head had been drooping down—half asleep. "Just go get some sleep. You don't look like you could sit around for another minute."

He agreed on that. He needed sleep—real bad. He dragged his body to standing up as he rubbed his eyes and gave her a questioning look. She turned her head, the bottle of sake to her lips, and half smiled, waving her hand at him in dismissal.

"I'll go when I feel like. I can handle myself, fukutaichou. You don't have to make me feel insignificant with that look."

He nodded just once. In the distance, he could feel a familiar reiatsu—he couldn't tell which way it was headed. He did not half care. Sleep compounded with the alcohol effect was getting to his head, creating a haze he couldn't think through. He waved at her once and slowly made his way to the other side. She watched him go, kind of thankful to the bottle he had left behind. She had to admit it tasted real good, especially after such a long time, and in such a place and at such a time, it was proving to be an added feat.

The captain walked gracefully at his leisurely pace to the riverbank. It was a beautiful starry night. He ran his eyes over the place and figured a dark silhouette of someone lying half propped up on the grass at the edge. She did not move a muscle as he approached. It was odd that she wouldn't even register his presence.

"Taichou," she acknowledged as he was about to clear his throat to bring his presence to her notice. "You granted me a break from today's practice."

Byakuya kept his face straight. Even though she was not looking at him, he got the feeling she would know his expression. He was dazed. He had forgotten all about it. He had just come here out of habit. Almost mechanical.

"I came for a walk," he hoped she wouldn't catch the lie in his toneless voice. Nobody could. But he always suspected she could see right through everything. "It's a beautiful night," he added, only to realize a second too late that was unnecessary.

"Yes. It is," she lay back on the grass, stretching, her feet were still in water.

Byakuya deliberated for a second whether he should go on walking. Truth be told, he was tired and a walk did not exactly seem too inviting to him. He sat down on the grass, folding his legs under him.

"I like starry nights with no moon. It feels nice to just lie and try to count the endless stars."

Byakuya was a little amused, though he made sure his stoic mask was in place. It was unusual coming from her. She wouldn't normally start a conversation with anyone. The little that she did speak was clearly all business. He felt her voice was unusually calm, almost as if there was no guards up. He deliberated if he should say something in reply but nothing came up. So he just sat there quietly. He looked over to her side. He wouldn't call it _curiosity_, just concern why his subordinate was in a talkative mood today. She lay flat on her back, one arm under her head, the other stretched up towards the sky. She probably _was_ trying to count the stars. Her face looked so blissfully calm, something she'd never shown before. A smile slowly broke out on her face, almost child-like. That was a first. She never smiled—not this way at least—when she did, it was one of those tiny forced ones out of courtesy, that never reached her eyes.

"Nii-sama and I… we used to do this a lot," it was as if she was talking to herself. She had never mentioned she had a family. In fact all her enrollment forms and papers showed she was homeless. It wasn't like her to have lied either. Byakuya felt awkward. Who was this brother of hers then?

"We weren't related by blood, of course," she answered without him having to ask. It was always like that. As if she could read people's minds.

"But he was the only person I had that could be called family. I met him right here. The night was the same as this. Surviving another day in Rukongai, I had come to relax on the meadows. It felt nice to just sit in peace once in a while. Life in Rukongai was a battle every day. I would come here at nights some times, to get away from that dreadful, violent, depressing atmosphere that always suffocated me there. I had no goals except to live through one more day. As far as I can remember my life, I've been in soul society. I had probably been abandoned by whoever my family was at a very young age. The memories are too hazy but I know the feeling of being left all alone to fend for myself. There is only one rule when you have to live in Rukongai—beg, borrow or steal, but just survive through today. You might bump into a complete stranger and end up getting killed for no reason. People with no strength or will to live can't survive one day there. Thanks to this stubborn person that I am, I never thought of giving up. It wasn't a question of morals or conscience. We existed like savages. When you encounter life-threatening situations every day, it becomes a matter of habit. Things stop frightening you. All that matters is to somehow make it through the day. When I met nii-sama, well anybody could tell from the looks the kind of comfortable life he led. I despised the rich. I felt they'd never know anything about life. When he had looked at me and smiled, I remember how I had literally snarled and crouched into a stance, with a knife in my hand, ready to jump at his throat any moment. I remember how he had raised his hands in reply and told me to relax, that he wasn't going to hurt me. I remember how I had cringed to see him smile so compassionately. I remember how I had scowled at the fact that he should have been the one to be scared instead of thinking I was scared. I remember imagining a thousand ways to make a run for it if I had to. I remember… I remember every detail of that night so clearly that the rest of my life seems to be a blur of existence through a monotonous cycle of pain and hatred."

She sighed. Her voice seemed like about to fail her. She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath to gain her composure. It didn't feel like she could. Her head felt light and out of her reach. It didn't feel like she would stop. She smiled slightly. The captain was still sitting there, patiently listening to her. For him, it wasn't the first time to be listening about how hard life outside Seireitei was. But no matter how many times he was told about it, his imaginations would fail to reach that level. He had led a very leisurely life from the start. Life came to him like a gift. He had had everything he'd ever wanted. He lived on the other side of the world.

She knew as of her state now, she was acting out of character. Her words hardly made sense in her own head. Partly because there were a thousand words running through her mind with every word that she spoke. The memories were fresh as yesterday's in her head. Oblivious to the fact that inches away, the man was almost lost in contemplation over her words, she thought it was a kind gesture on the captain's part to be sitting there, listening patiently to the words that sounded almost incoherent to her own ears. Behind the curtains of her closed eyes, the memories flashed by…

_He inched nearer to her, step by step, hands still raised, the smile plastered on the flawlessly glowing face. She scowled. Why would a person like him not have a reason to smile. What would he know about life! Somewhere deep inside, she was feeling awkwardly self-conscious, easing out of the crouch, knife still in hand. Her short hair was all a mess. Her face was dirty and two badly healing scars marked her right jaw and forehead. There was another scar running across the side of her neck to the collar-bone. Her hands had a lot more cuts and slashes. He noticed a deeper cut, relatively fresh over her forearm on the inside of the elbow. With one long step, he closed the distance and grabbed her arm. The knife fell off as she was caught by surprise. She cringed and stiffened. The scream that was caught in her rasp throat came out as a bare gasp. He registered her reaction but tightened his grip._

_"Daijobu," he whispered. "I'm not going to hurt you. Let me heal your wounds."_

_She was half surprised at that. Suspicion was the first thing that shot through her nerves. If you lived in Rukongai, it was only one of the most natural feelings. She looked up at him. The smile was oddly reassuring. His eyes were staring straight into hers. He held her arm firmly to make sure she wasn't running away before he did what he said. For what was probably like the first time, she felt slightly at ease around another person. There was nothing like a person you could call a friend in the place she belonged. Companionship was just a myth there. She could trust the animals around her more than a person. Despite all that, she did not complain or show any kind of resistance as he led her to the flowing brook and sat down, pulling her along by the arm._

_"Okay, this might hurt a little," he said in a gentle tone. "Bear with it. You wouldn't want the infection to spread."_

_She felt his hand trace down the scar. It was pretty deep. She'd gotten it this afternoon, trying to get away from some thugs robbing her of the little money she'd made to get herself something to eat. She held back a gasp as he parted the thin clotting and fresh blood started gushing out. The pain was part of her daily life. But it still hurt real bad! He took some water from the brook in a cupped hand and poured it over the scar. Then he took out some kind of a weird substance from the inside of his robes and gently applied it over the wound. It stopped the blood immediately. She blinked up at him in wonder. He smiled gently, almost in relief._

_"It should be alright in a day or so," he wiped her arm gingerly. "Try not to exert this hand."_

_He could not find something to bandage it with so she tore off a part from her already worn out clothes and wrapped it around. Her stomach growled. She hadn't been able to get anything to eat after being robbed and the wound had hurt bad enough that she could not bring herself to do any work. He patted her head gently. She felt like a little child. _

_"I'll get you something to eat," he said rising up and hovering over her. "But you have to promise you won't leave this spot."_

_She looked up through blurry eyes and nodded as he gave her one last smile and disappeared swiftly. Part of her brains told her certainly he was never coming back. Part of her still believed—and even longed—that he would. She waited for what seemed like a minute. When she was absolutely sure she wouldn't be visible to him from a distance, she got up, rubbed her eyes and dashed away. She couldn't let herself expect anything from anyone at all. She was supposed to survive on her own. Going a day without eating wouldn't kill her. She had been through worse than that. Her stomach growled again and she gave a sad little laugh and patted it. She was going to have to do something sooner…_

_She woke up in a very uncomfortable state the next day, in the dusty little shack that did not belong to her. She was rolled up into a ball, partly because her stomach still hurt as she had not eaten anything for over thirty hours now, and partly because it was too cold and she did not have anything to cover herself up with. Her joints popped as she stretched herself, her eyes widening as she felt something over her arm. She stared at the cloth wound over it. As the memory of what happened last night hit her conscious, she scowled. It was better to forget it like a dream. It was going to be another tough day. She sighed. There were some times when, besides thinking of how to survive for the day, she'd think of how life might have been just a little bit easier if she would've had somebody to depend on. Without a second thought, she shrugged the thought away. These thoughts weren't going to fill her stomach. She dragged herself out on the bright street, shielding her eyes, as she searched for something—anything…_

_After another hard day, she found herself walking the familiar path to the riverside. The moon was a little bit brighter. It didn't matter… the stars were enough to light the night sky. She stopped short in her tracks as she neared the banks. There, on the same spot, sat the man who had tended to her wounds last night. He turned around and smiled at her, waving to her to come to him. She did not move. For a moment, her hand moved instinctually to the back of the wrap around her waist, where she kept her knife. He laughed lightly seeing her bewildered expression and got up to take the knife away from her._

_"Kids shouldn't be playing with sharp things," he patted her head as she gripped the knife tighter, not forfeiting the only weapon she had._

_"I'm not a kid," she said with an almost indignant frown which seemed to amuse him. He took her arm and examined the scar, gently brushing the tips of his fingers over the healing line. She stared down, not moving a muscle._

_"I'm so glad it's getting better now. It was so awful," his tone sounded so sorry, something she hadn't heard before. She did not know how to respond. She did not understand the motive behind this man's actions. He led her by the arm to sit next to the flowing river and held up a basket._

_"See, I brought you fruits. You're so pale you need to eat right," he forced it in her hesitant hands. She stared at the fruits as if they were poisoned. She couldn't help being suspicious. He laughed again. Her expressions always seemed to amuse him. "It's alright. Take it as a gift."_

_She took an apple from the basket and turned it at different angles, staring closely at it. He took it from her hand and bit into it._

_"See? It's not poisoned," he said, chewing. "Now hurry up and eat."_

_In response, her stomach growled. She started nibbling on another apple, like a little rat. Through the corner of her eye, she peeked at him, he was staring at her, the same comforting smile plastered on his face. She paused for a second, then resumed her nibbling. It was awkward, being stared at by someone like that, and yet it was the most comfortable feeling she had ever had._

_"I came back with food yesterday, you know," his soft voice broke the silence that enveloped them. "You promised you would stay here. Why did you not wait? I hurried back all the way here to find you were gone!"_

_Again, she paused nibbling and looked at him. Then she shrugged and continued to eat. It was best if she could finish all the fruits there itself. Taking it back to Rukongai would draw unnecessary attention. These were fine quality fruits you wouldn't find anywhere in the district. The little doubts she had about this man belonging to Seireitei were now erased. She took up another fruit from the basket and held it out for him. He shook his head._

_"I ate already. This is all yours."_

_She pretended not to listen and pushed it into his hands. Then she waited till he took a bite. He smiled at her child-like behavior and bit into it. She flashed him a slight smile and happily took up another fruit. It felt like ages since she'd had her belly so full that she actually couldn't eat anymore._

_"I should better go now," he stood up and stretched. "Before someone realizes I'm not home."_

_Home. A place she'd never known in life. She nodded and then got up to bow._

_"Arigatou," her voice felt so strange to her own self, it was almost caught up in her throat and came out as a bare whisper._

_"I'll see you tomorrow…?" he raised an eyebrow at her "Eto… I am Yamato… Arai Yamato."_

_She bowed down again. "Isshily."_

_"Isshily…" he confirmed. "Ja, Isshily, see you again!"_

_She bowed again as he gave her head a pat and walked away—in quite a graceful manner—she noted._

_As days blurred by, it became a matter of habit for them to meet every night and sit by the riverside, talking, though it was he who did most of the talking, asking her questions about her life, pushing her more into conversation. Most of the times, she was happy to listen to whatever he had to say. She had gradually become comfortable enough around him to actually smile and even laugh at times. It was the only time of the day that she so willingly looked forward to. Now, she knew a lot of things about the life of people in Seireitei. To her utmost shock and amazement, she had come to know that he belonged to one of the noble clans. She no more despised the rich. She realized how wrong she was about thinking they knew nothing of life. In many ways, his life was every bit as hard as hers. But he never let those hardships shadow his smile. He always told her how smiling in the face of troubles solved almost half of the problems. He was the kindest, most gentle soul she'd ever known. He had genuinely taken a liking to her from the very first time they had met and treated her like a younger sister all the time. From 'Arai-san' to 'Yamato-sama' she had now settled down on calling him 'nii-sama'. He was so happy the first time she had called him nii-sama, he had literally swept her off her feet in one tight hug and patted her head like a hundred times. He always liked to pat her head. She liked it too. He would bring her a lot of things every now and then and half the times, she had to force him to return with them for it was impossible for her to take them. Their relationship was growing stronger with every passing day, when one night he finally cracked the big news to her._

_"Isshily… I'm going to adopt you into my family," he looked straight at her, anticipating a reaction._

_She stared blankly at him for a long time. Then she blinked "Nii-sama…"_

_He smiled a rather strained smile at her "I've been trying my best, kid. The house, as I expected, did not agree. But you know me when I want something my way…"_

_"No," was all she could say. "I mean… no, nii-sama, I can't… you… you are from a noble clan. I… I won't…"_

_"Daijobu, Isshily," he patted her head. "You are every bit as noble in spirit as any of those. I'm surprised you don't belong to one. And now that I've decided, I'm not turning back."_

_She shook her head. She was tongue-tied. This was just too much for her to take at once._

_"Okay, I'll let you think about it till the time I settle everything at home," he gave her a reassuring squeeze and beamed. She still couldn't bring herself to smile back. Her head kept telling her it wasn't happening. This life as she'd known, and that life which she couldn't even imagine… it was like turning her world upside down. Part of her brains told her she should be slaphappy about something like this. But in truth, she was too dazed to figure out what she was feeling—for one thing, it wasn't a very happy feeling. But it wasn't anything close to miserable. It was just confusing… numbing. She knew, her brains were always too slow to respond. She could take her time to think this through._

_He sat close by her side, leaning his head over hers. There was an unusual silence as neither said anything. She knew he had been strained for the past few days… and now that she knew the reason, it made her feel a little guilty. For him, sitting there, by the calmly flowing brook, with the only person who made him feel at ease with himself, being able to say and act the way he wanted, no walls, no guards, no pretensions, no obligations, no reservations… it was the most relaxing part of the day._

_"Na, Isshily…" he sounded so tired. "I don't want to force it on you. But you are the only one I can depend on, you know."_

_"Nii-sama…"_

_He sighed. He didn't want to push her. He knew she needed her time to think things through. But he was a very impatient person by nature when it came to something he wanted. That was the kind of life he had led… and yet, life had never appeared pleasing enough to him, when suddenly she had appeared. She had so naturally filled the empty spaces in his life. She was his angel. He treasured her as his life._

_The dawn was about to break out at the horizon as she woke up with a start. She couldn't move herself. His heavy head was cradled over her shoulder. She couldn't believe they had actually fallen asleep like that._

_"Nii-sama… nii-sama, wake up," she shook his shoulder lightly as he blinked his eyes open. "It's going to be light soon. You should be going."_

_He yawned and greeted her with a wide grin. "That was probably the most sound sleep I'd had in days."_

_She wasn't exactly sure of his words. For a person like him, sleeping in that position couldn't have been anything short of uncomfortable. And yet he looked like he'd had a good night's sleep. She beamed a bright smile at him. He took her tiny hand in his._

_"Arigatou na, Isshily. You act like a natural stress-buster for me," he mused. "I would always need you by my side. You don't have to worry about anything, kid, I'll always be watching over you."_

_She hesitated for a moment. Then the words she had fallen asleep thinking over slowly made their way out._

_"If I can be by your side, nii-sama…" she looked at him, the most child-like honest twinkle in her eyes "… then I don't mind wherever I have to live."_

_The smile that broke out on his face as he processed her words was something she'd never forget._

_"Really? Then you will come live with us?" he did not try to hide the excitement in his eyes. "Wow, I just want you to pack up by the day. I'm taking you home as soon as possible."_

_She wondered what little stuff she even had that needed to be packed up. She smiled in wonder as her stomach did flips and flops, clearly she was happy and excited. She was going to be a part of a family now, going to have a place she could call home. More than anything else, she could be closer to nii-sama._

_"And once that's done, I want to enroll you into Shin-o Academy," he raised her chin so their eyes met. "Na, Isshily, I can sense your reiatsu… it's… very strong, you know… I want you to become a Shinigami too. I couldn't become one no matter how hard I tried. I can sense it… your desire to live—the way you push harder through your limits each day… you might become a captain one day… you will. You'll do it, Isshily? For your nii-sama?"_

_She stared at him. The thought of what she wanted to do with her future life hadn't ever crossed her mind. She was too busy trying to survive each day. Going to Shin-o Academy was like a dream to her. It was too distant for her to ever even try to grasp it._

_Slowly, she nodded. "Yes, nii-sama. I'll do it."_

_He smiled, pleased with the smile that was now forming on her lips. "Isshily… you're going to make me so proud, kid."_

_She nodded, tears welling her eyes. "Nii-sama…"_

_She felt warmth spread all through her body as he gave her a tight hug. "I need to get a few things in order. I'll see you real soon," he gave her one quick kiss over the forehead before walking away._

_"I'll do my best, nii-sama," she resolved to herself as she watched his back, disappearing in the distance. "I'm gonna make you real proud."_

_The whole day, she bustled about happily. Life was taking such an unexpected turn. She found herself holding her breath at times. It was probably the first time she had been so happy._

_But who knew how short-lived that happiness was. Who would have expected that was the last time she had seen him. Her world crashed to pieces as around the afternoon, the news of the son of Arai clan being killed by a hollow spread through the soul society like wild fire. For the rest of the day, she did not believe it. She was confident of seeing him again. At night, she anxiously made her way to the riverside. Her senses felt half relieved as she neared the place and found a man standing there._

_"Nii-sama," before she realized, tears were rolling down her cheeks. She hadn't realized how nerve-wreckingly anxious she had felt for the whole day. She couldn't even go look for him for she had no idea where he lived. She sprinted towards the man in that direction. "Nii-sama, I knew you were…" she stopped dead in the tracks as the man turned around, it was an unfamiliar face. She stood there paralyzed._

_"Isshily-san?" the strange voice hurt her ears. "You are Isshily-san,right? I came here to take you to Arai mansion. It was Yamato-sama's last wish. He wanted you to…"_

_Before the man could finish speaking, she shrieked and bolted away, as fast as she could._

_"Isshily-san…" he tried to chase behind her but she was way too fast._

_Everything passed in a blur. She found herself balled up in the corner of a shack two days later. There was no feeling except for pain. Nothing. She felt emptied out from the inside, the pain consuming all of her. She saw strangers coming to the shack. She heard them say something about Arai… but her brains comprehended nothing. The sight hurt her eyes. The voices hurt her ears. There was nothing left to her world. _Nii-sama's… gone… what will I do now… how will I go on… _that was all that wrecked her head._

_On the fourth day, the same man came and sat down beside her. She looked up at him with hollow eyes._

_"Isshily-san… I cannot say I understand how you are feeling…" he looked in the distance. It was painful to even look into the girl's eyes. "But I know for a fact how Yamato-sama would feel right now. You haven't eaten anything for days. He would be so miserable if he saw you like this. You know, wherever he is, he loves you more than anything. You were so precious to him. Don't waste yourself like this. Life has to go on, you know. I'm sure Yamato-sama would be in a lot of pain seeing you like this. He's always going to be watching over you."_

_"Nii… sama…" with that, she burst into tears… tears that burned down her cheeks. Her heart felt like it had been scarred deep, so deep that it felt like being dragged over razors. She cried and wailed and cried till her tears ran dry. The stranger had held onto her, holding back his own tears all the while. He could not take how much pain the girl was in. There was no way in the world he could comfort her. Words just wouldn't be enough. It was heart-breaking._

_After what seemed like a long time she calmed down a bit. He pushed a bento he had brought towards her. She stared at it for a long moment, then stared at the stranger._

_"Please… for Yamato-sama's sake…" he pleaded with his eyes._

_She eased out of her crouch and started eating, a few sobs breaking in at times. She knew what he had said was true. Life had to go on. When she was done eating, he asked her if she wanted anything else. She just shook her head._

_"Isshily-san, would you come to the Arai manor with me now?" he asked gently._

_She shook her head again as fresh tears rolled down her eyes. "I… can't… not if nii-sama isn't there…"_

_He sighed. He knew it wasn't going to be easy. "It is too dangerous for you to live here by yourself now that people know about you being related to a noble family. And it was Yamato-sama's last wish, Isshily-san."_

_She blinked away her tears. "Sou… nii-sama's… last wish…" she looked up at the man with eyes that were suddenly very alert and serious. "Nii-sama wanted me to go to Shin-o Academy. He wanted me to become a Shinigami and make him proud," she spoke in a confidential tone._

_The man nodded at her. "Yes. We will enroll you there right away," he got up and held out a hand for her. She staggered, almost falling. She hadn't changed from her crouched position for days._

_"Let's go," he took her hand and led her away._

_The mansion was stunningly expansive. She wondered if people living there got lost at times. The lawns stretched on and on. There was even a small pond. As they walked up to the huge, old house, she stopped mid-way._

_"What's wrong?" he asked._

_She just shook her head, looking down._

_"You are not going to come in?"_

_She shook her head again. Tears were welling up but she kept them from falling. She'd gathered up enough courage to come this far. But the fact that her nii-sama had lived in that house, she knew she wouldn't be able to handle that. This wasn't a place she wanted to be in. Not now. Not ever. After nii-sama was gone, living through a new place that was nothing but full of things that would remind her of him—it wasn't going to work. She clenched her fists. After coming back to her senses, the more she'd thought about him, the more courage she'd developed to live this through. She was going to do this. For her nii-sama, she would._

_"I… don't want to be adopted into the family," she looked at the man staring at her with concerned eyes. "I want to enroll into the academy as soon as possible. I can't stay here. I need to fulfill nii-sama's dreams for me."_

_"Yamato-san wanted to—"_

_"I will live in the dormitory… anywhere… but not here," she stared back at him intently. There was nothing but pain awaiting her in that huge building she wouldn't call 'home'. She needed to be stronger. There were things she had to do. She couldn't afford being broken down by the empty memories that must resonate through the house. She wasn't strong enough. Not yet._

_"Very well," a voice came from behind her. She turned around to see an old man with silver white hair, standing gracefully. She hadn't heard him approach. She did not know him. His face somehow looked oddly familiar. Yet there was something about the way he was staring—almost glaring—at her that made a chill run down her spine. His narrow beady eyes felt like they'd drill holes into her, if that were possible._

_"I wish to know the reasons behind your declining the adoption," his voice was toneless. She felt like running away and crouching in a corner where this old man could not see her. It was the most awkward condition she had ever been in. "I hope you do have a reason? I would not want to let my grandson's last wish go unfulfilled."_

_She blinked as the words settled in her head. It made sense that this man was related to nii-sama. Their faces kind of resembled. And yet his piercing—almost—glare was just exactly the opposite of the tender gaze that had brightened her world so far._

_She bowed down to him in a most humble manner._

_"I do not wish to let nii-sama's last wishes go unfulfilled either," her voice appeared so strange to her. It was almost as toneless as the old man's. "I just need some more time to fulfill his last wish for me. I will come when I have achieved it. Till then, I wish to be on my own."_

_She looked up to find the old man's face softened, his eyes crinkling at the corners. She was dazed. A moment earlier, she had thought this face incapable of smiling at all. And yet, he stood there with a smile so natural, that the stern look on his face a moment ago seemed alien now._

_"Very well then," he turned around and started walking at a slow pace. "I will wait till the day arrives. For now, we shall see to it that all arrangements are made for your convenience."_

_She bowed again, though he had his back to her. "Sharon," he raised his voice a little and a maid appeared at the door, bowing her head at him. "I hope the preparations are done with?"_

_"H-hai, Arai-dono," she bowed down._

_"Then repack everything and send someone to deliver it to the academy," his voice was toneless, and yet most commanding in a strange way. "You are to personally take care of this girl here from now on."_

_The maid looked at her and bowed down. Isshily felt strange. She'd never had anyone ever bow down to her before. It felt uneasy to be treated like an important person. It was awkward and uncomfortable._

_"Isshily? I believe that is your name?" it took her a moment to realize he was now talking to her. She nodded. With one swift gesture, he motioned for her to follow him as he walked towards the farther side of the lawns._

_She did not dare to ask him where he was leading her. After a second of hesitation, she followed behind him, dragging her half paralyzed self. For some reason, this old man scared her enough to slow down her brains and reactions. It took a lot of nerves to even stay anywhere around him. After walking in silence for some time, he came to stop. She looked around to see three graves situated a few steps away. Two of them seemed kind of old and had names she did not know of. The third one was heart-shatteringly new and the name inscribed on it made her cringe as pain numbed out all her senses. She did not notice the old man leave. She did not notice a little white rabbit run around the trees. She did not see, or hear, or feel anything else as her knees gave way under her and she collapsed into the grass, tears running down uncontrollably. She did not care to wipe them off, or brush her hair out of her face. She did not care about anything. For the moment all she was conscious of was the fire that came to burn brighter inside of her. The resolves that grew stronger. And the pain that drowned out everything else._

_She lay there, on the grass, barely conscious as somebody covered her frail body with something._

Somebody _actually_ covered her body as she lay there on the grass. Her eyes shot open. Had she dozed off? She clutched at the thing covering her—was that the _captain's haori_?! She blinked at the captain's impassive face looking at her as she started up in a trance. The bottle of sake she had kept on her side rolled away. Both of them stared at it for a moment.

Byakuya shot her a knowing glance as the realization hit his conscious. Why, of course, she was acting out of character!

She recognized the implication of the glance. Had it been any other occasion and she had been a little level in her head, she would have immediately bowed down and apologized, which of course was not happening. She was drunk and she could tell by the light-headedness that her instincts were well out of her brains' reach for now. She gave a short laugh. Byakuya stared, as impassive as ever.

"Taichou, you don't need to worry! I'm not going to be throwing up or anything," she stared at him with eyes that looked attentive enough and yet clearly showed the signs of being 'heavily' (according to his assessment) under the effect of alcohol. "I know my limits, and I'm well below that right now."

He couldn't tell. The one time when he had actually found her drunk, she was literally beyond all capacity of holding it in and throwing up like anything, and yet her behavior had been nothing like this then. She'd kept a straight face and spoken almost as if nothing happened, the first time he'd been impressed by someone showing so much of control. And here again, today, she was letting it get the better of her. For once, he literally fought the urge to scratch his head and sheepishly ask her about it. Well, it was Kuchiki Byakuya—and he just _wouldn't_!

"I believe you know tomorrow is supposed to be a very important day for you and the whole division," he rose to his feet and lightly dusted his robes. "It wouldn't be nice if you showed up late or in a hung-over state."

_Not to mention, embarrassing for the captain!_ She couldn't tell if she added that in her head or said it out loud. His face showed no signs of registering the slight remark—well, it _wouldn't_, even if he did!

"Hai, hai," she sighed and decided it was better to get going. She was sure she would not be late or hung-over, but arriving at the division in a sleep-deprived state would be a different story—_not a very nice one, eh?_ "I'll be there in time, taichou… and in proper shape," she muttered the last bit, rolling her eyes. Some part of her head told her how utterly regrettable her actions must seem, yet the major part felt a lot lighter—and that wasn't alcohol. It had been so long since she'd let go of herself like that. With the multiple masks that she wore through the day, around everybody, it made it difficult for her to breath. She needed a let out at times. That place was her own little corner of release, and today, it had been encroached upon by two people she would have never thought of. To her, it wasn't the least bit regrettable though. She did not know why, but letting them see her in that vulnerable state did not feel half bad—if it were for anyone else, that would've raised her hackles—but it was somehow different for these two. The slight haze in her head made her give up on thinking about it any further. She shrugged and put it in the background. As long as she could feel a little bit happier, the how or why or who should not matter. That was another principle she'd learnt—'overthinking would not help—it'll not make you happier, only raise your expectations and set the stage for further miseries—so leave things at that and be grateful that you got a reason to smile.'

* * *

She woke up with the first ray of the sun cracking through her heavily curtained windows. She smiled to herself, rising from the slumber. Today was going to be a long day. She had waited for it with much anticipation, and finally, it was here. _I'm getting closer to my goal, nii-sama. Just a little bit more._ She got up to get ready as soon as she could. There were things that needed to be done before all that.

Half an hour later, she was walking through the lawns of the vast Arai manor. The sun was rising up in the corner, perfectly over the little lake housed in the east. It was against her primary etiquettes to disturb someone so early in the morning, if she did not know that the Arai household was up and about its business way before dawn. She swiftly made her way to the entrance and rapped at the door. The door creaked open an inch and a set of two familiar eyes peeked from the other side. The eyes widened the slightest bit before the door was let open.

"Isshily-san? What happened? I hope everything is okay…" Kyouhei-san, the man who wasn't a stranger anymore, gave a worried glance. It was obvious! She rarely came to pay visits. She remembered the last time she'd thought of paying a visit when she had been accepted into the sixth division but had comfortably put it in the back of her head. It had been a long time since then. She gave him a little reassuring smile—the usual courteous way she would act while she was there.

"Yes, yes, Kyouhei-san. Things are perfectly alright. I came to see Ojii-sama. Is he awake?" it was just a matter of etiquettes to ask. She knew the old man must already have been bustling about the house.

"Yes. Arai-dono is up," he gave a worried glance and then added. "He's not been keeping very well lately. We might have had to send for you in a day or so if you hadn't shown up."

She hurried behind him as he led her through the maze of passages to the room, a pang of guilt in her mind. She hadn't seen much of the old man. She just came to tell him about her achievements once in a while. The bond they shared was something one could not define in words. They never spoke more than what was required—they hardly spoke at all. The thing that bound them… it was something they never mentioned, but they felt it materially every second.

Kyouhei-san came to a stop in front of a room and lightly knocked on it. "Arai-dono, Isshily-san is here to see you."

She stepped inside the room. The old man was lying on a futon. His face looked withered. She felt worry and fear sweep through her as she realized his condition was very serious. He did not speak, just motioned for her to come sit by his side. She sat by the edge of the futon, her legs folded under her, spine straight—it was true that she could never relax around that place. She avoided being there as far as she could. It made her throat clutch so bad, she couldn't breathe. This time though, she hadn't felt that uneasy. Maybe the fact that she was getting closer to her goal relaxed her senses while being there.

"Ojii-sama," she said in a very low voice.

"You finally turned up," his voice was rasp. She could tell it was causing him pain even as he spoke. "I have been wanting to talk to you… Isshily…"

While maintaining the calm on her face, she gasped in her head. He never took her name. They would always talk without acknowledgements. It was just the way it had been between them.

"Have you… made up your mind yet…" he tried to fix his gaze at her, she could tell even that was hurting.

"Ojii-sama," she looked down at her hands, her fingers were fumbling of their own accord. "I came to tell you… I have gotten a step closer to my goal. I'm officially being alleviated to the vice-captain's rank today. Just a little bit more…" her voice trailed off. Guilt felt heavy as she heard her own strange voice. She could see the old man's expectant eyes pleading to her. And she was trying to put her own reasons above that. _Despicable!_ Some part of her brains hissed.

He held his hand up. She blinked at it for a second before taking it in both of hers, recognizing the gesture. His hand felt frail and cold. It shot fear and recognition through her nerves. _Hang in there, ojii-sama… please._

"I will not force you, Isshily," she could tell the disappointment from his otherwise toneless voice. "But… I don't think… I have much time left…" his last words came out as a bare whisper. Her eyes widened as he finally put her fears in clear words. She tightened her grip around the withered hand and rested her head on it.

"Ojii-sama," she took a deep breath. "I've made up my mind."

* * *

She walked into the sixth division office with a grim expression. Just a while ago, she had thought she might be entering with a most unusual huge smile on her face—of course, she had never smiled in real around here!—but now, all that seemed far off. It was still a little early for work. There was only one boy who had recently joined the division who was laying down the paper work for the day. She gave him a blank stare. "I need to get some papers corrected."

An hour later, Byakuya walked into the office premise, the usual condescending aura surrounding him. He checked to ensure he was right on time. Most of the squad members were already there, bustling about. Of course! It was the promotion day of the new fukutaichou—the division was supposed to be busy!

He sat down in his chair to get a few papers in order before the official ceremony. The slight detail on that paper could never have missed his observant eyes but for the first time, he felt shocked enough that his eyes widened as he grasped the words there—'Vice-captain of the Sixth Division, ARAI ISSHILY'. The words seem to be glaring at him out of the sheet.

He called for his subordinate as it settled in and his face returned to its usual impassive expression. The first thing he noticed, as she walked into the room in her usual, graceful manner was the silver white scarf wrapped around her neck. He struggled to keep his face straight as another shock felt like his eyes would pop out. The scarf was almost exactly same as his _ginpaku kazahana no uzuginu_, except for a small 'A' embroidered on its side. His eyes slowly moved from the scarf to her face—the face that seemed to know what his stare meant. She nodded, her grave expression acknowledging in understanding. "I have been adopted into the Arai clan."

That was all that needed to be said. He gave a slight nod once as somewhere in the background, they heard a subordinate call for them. It was almost time for the ceremony. They walked out without another word, without another look in each other's direction.

* * *

_Sugite kita hibi zenbu de _  
_Ima no atashi nanda yo _  
_KANTAN ni ika nai kara _  
_Ikite yukeru_

_[With everything that's gone by lately  
I'm only the me I am now  
Because I can't just go on  
I continue to live]_

[Life-Yui]

* * *

**A/N: So I hope things have gotten a little clearer now. This was actually the first chapter that I wrote of this fic and then went randomly to the last and first chapters so yeah it's not all that great.**

**Tell me what you felt about it.**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Please… leave a review… I mean for real… just…!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach… if I did, I wouldn't be here writing Fanfics…!**

**A/N: Here's another chapter. I hope it doesn't feel like I'm beating around the bush 'cause I need the space to develop the plot. I'd like to know, of course if the readers might have any suggestions or whatever they feel about the story so far. So, please leave a review if you survive this chapter :D**

* * *

Chapter 6: Comfort

The induction party for the new vice-captain of the sixth was proving to be a great hit for the few loud-mouthed party-swindlers. Ikkaku, Yumichika, Hisagi, Rangiku and a few others were just going on a spree of sake rounds. Anybody could tell how drunk they already were, and yet, the supply of drinks just seemed to be unending. She was smiling, the way she did around people, out of courtesy. Beneath the surface, she was awkwardly self-conscious and aware of the wary looks that a lot of people were giving her. She wasn't used to being the center of attention—but well it couldn't be helped, it was _her_ party and she had braced herself for that. What she had not anticipated was the attention the silver white scarf around her neck was drawing. The news had gotten around. She caught people staring at her in confusion and awe—and it was disconcerting. The vice-captain's badge on her left arm seemed to be of little significance compared to the silky cloth that felt like it was strangling her. But she held on—on the surface, she was all calm and composed—but on the inside, she was itching to unwrap it from around her neck and bury it deep inside some hole and never find it again. She held back a sigh as she reminded herself it was going to stay there for a while now.

The captains and vice-captains came around congratulating her, offering her rounds after rounds of drinks. She could tell her mind was starting to go hazy and blank out. Soon, she'd be at her limits. Still, she could not turn down a drink being offered by a superior or even a fellow vice-captain. Matsumoto came and dropped her arm around her, pushing another shot in her face. That was probably the third or fourth time she did it. She took it with an uneasy smile—had she sworn to get her that drunk today?!—or was she just being over-friendly to the new fellow vice-captain, trying to emphasize the fact that their friendship wouldn't change with her social standing?! She could not tell. Her mind was at unease with the way some people were going overboard in trying to diffuse the tension that resonated through her. She was thankful, but felt really awkward. Every passing minute now was making her look more and more forward to the time when everybody would be finished and she could retire to her room. She felt a light sensation in her head as her body swayed slightly. She clenched her fists and balanced herself before anyone could notice. All the while, she was well aware of the dark stare that emanated from a certain someone and followed her everywhere. She felt the weight, she tried to hide herself all she could, but it just won't leave her alone. As the place started clearing up a bit and people started retiring, she made her way to the far corner and shook her head with a sigh.

"Stop staring daggers at me like that, Renji," she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "It's… very inconvenient."

He opened his mouth in an attempt to say something and then snapped it shut, holding out a drink for her.

She would have turned it down at once, but when she saw his face, she took it reluctantly. The expression was not that of a captain offering his warm greetings, it was a concerned friend offering her some comfort.

She sat next to him, trying to get a few coherent words in order before blurting them out. He leaned his head in his hands. She wondered if he was thinking the same thing.

"A-are you okay?" his voice was that of concern.

She turned around to blink at him. What'd prompt him to ask such a question? "Why of course I'm perfectly fine!" Well she _wasn't_! But she decided it was better to keep it to herself. "Why do you ask?"

"Nothing…" he shrugged. He'd witnessed a friend getting adopted by a noble clan and almost lost her once. He could not bear the thought of going through the same again.

They sat there, not speaking for a while. The silence felt awkward. They couldn't think of anything to say.

"When—no—_how_ did that happen?" he pointed to the scarf.

"This…" her hand unconsciously went to the scarf. She blinked. She totally saw that coming. But it still left her shocked and fumbling for words.

He saw her at a loss of words and shook his head.

"I mean, I don't really care to know _how_…" he tried to frame his thoughts in more coherent words, so that they'd make sense to both of them. "I… it's just that everybody was so surprised… well… I was awestruck, to say the least."

"I…" she still tried to choke out a few words, but failed. "I'm sorry…"

"Oi," he gave a bemused little smile and then tapped her head lightly. "Just to tell you, this doesn't really change anything."

She looked up at him. This was already relieving half her tensions. She was depressed and he could tell without her having to say it. She gave him a half smile. The alcohol was getting the better of her, she could tell as her focus went out at times. She couldn't help it. Declining the drinks couldn't have been a bad idea. But somewhere deep down, she knew it was just an excuse. She had actually needed the alcohol to numb herself out. It was getting harder to keep up. She just decided to endure it till she was all alone.

He couldn't help but give a sheepish grin and roll his eyes as she nodded. "Yes, of course, Abarai taichou. Noble or not, it doesn't change the fact that you are my superior," she did not know where that slight edge of sarcasm crept into her voice from. Well, she was drunk of course!

"Baka," he gave a little snort and drew his arm around her neck, acting like he'd strangle her. "It doesn't change the fact that you're still the same old lame jerk," she nudged him lightly with the elbow, all the tension diffusing as he lightly gasped, but did not let go of her. As she twisted to get out of his grip, the arm jabbed at her throat, not enough to choke her but hard enough to bring half the alcohol up her throat. She gritted her teeth, tight. She felt it in the pit of her stomach, in the ears that were going numb with a sickening glug of her insides, in the eyes that wavered and turned everything black for a second. She desperately contained the urge to throw up.

"Why are you manhandling a drunk, unarmed subordinate of mine," they looked up, startled, to find the cold, impassive face of the captain emanating the all too familiar reiatsu. "Abarai taichou," His toneless voice held just the slightest tinge of sarcasm that nobody but those two could tell. If they stared at his face for too long, they could tell the right eyebrow was raised by half a micrometer or so.

"Ku-Kuchiki taichou…" they straightened themselves up and looked around awkwardly. There was no one else but the three of them.

He gave Renji a fleeting glance, the barely visible hint of humor in his face disappearing altogether. Then he turned his all too icy-cold glare at the girl sitting there, half cowering in awkwardness. She glanced up at him for a split second and looked away. He could tell, by the way her teeth were grit tight, the little frown that drew her eyebrows closer as she tried to focus her gaze, her face was almost going a sickly green.

"I guess, I'd better get going," Renji got up in a swift movement, feeling some awkwardness creeping in.

"Yes. The new captain will not be presenting a very good example to his division if he arrived in a hung-over state the very first day," Byakuya stated, in his most usual, cold, toneless voice. Renji nodded and within a second, he'd disappeared with his flash step.

The next moment that he turned around, she was on her knees at the edge of the bushes, throwing up. The sound made him sick, but he remained calm and slowly made his way to her.

She could not feel or hear or see a thing as she puked. In her overly-drunken state, she could tell how lowly and ill-mannered this would seem. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head as she choked out more.

After what seemed like an eternity to her, she gathered up and tried to stand, swaying a bit as her legs felt numb. A strong hand grabbed her arm and balanced her. He handed her some water. She took it thankfully and rinsed her mouth, drank some and splashed her face with the remaining, in an attempt to get herself back to her senses for just a little while longer so she could reach her safe place without making another scene.

She felt her scarf being moved, loosened a little so she could breathe easy—she hadn't even realized when in the first place it had gotten so suffocatingly tightened around her neck! Or wait—_are you trying to make sure if this is the same as yours, taichou?_ She couldn't tell if she was saying it out loud or it was just in her head. It was too hazy.

"Yes, it is the same," she heard his cold voice. A second later, her brains told her she must have said something she shouldn't have. Another second later, she felt regret and embarrassment creep up her spine. And another second later, she face-palmed herself.

He was staring at her in the coldest way humanly possible. She shuddered, thinking it would have been nice if she were a polar bear.

"Not so nice, I think," she heard the cold voice again. Another face-palm. She covered her mouth with a hand. It was comical. She was going to regret it all in the morning. Maybe bury her head somewhere in the earth and never bring it back up again.

"Not before you make a full report of your profile change," his voice was sending chills down her spine. Not to mention the multiple face-palms!

"Profile… change…?" she gave a confused look.

"About your personal status… family," he gave her a brief glance. She looked confused. He could tell it wasn't alcohol. There was something else.

"There isn't anything," she was horrified by the way her voice snapped—it was low and hoarse, yet clear and flat. "I just got adopted. That's that."

"You cannot put that on paper like that. There are things that…" he paused, pondering on how to put it more _delicately_. Truth be told, he felt it was just a way of the soul society snooping in on peoples' personal lives—their reasons untold. "… need to be looked into," he wondered if his words even made sense to her.

"Kuchiki taichou," She shook her head. "I don't know how to say this… but I can't put in the details."

He could not see her face that was half hidden behind her hair now. Her voice was low and toneless. She did not wish to share it, he could tell. She was always guarded up and everything. But she could not just shrug out of it. Being his subordinate, that made it all the more mandatory for her to abide by all the rules. At the same time, he did not find the idea of forcing anything out of a person as a very noble one. He was sure she must have her own reasons. But what was he to do about the paperwork then? He pondered over it for a while as she seemed to be lost in her own reverie of thoughts.

"Let's make it easier for you then," he cleared his throat, his voice less than formal. "Let me hear you out. Then I will help you put the right things on the paper."

He did not know where his thoughts came from, but somehow, he knew she wouldn't hesitate to tell him. Just the other night she had laughed and chattered about her life in the past. Well, she was under the influence of alcohol back then, but so it was today!

"Taichou," she nodded her head without a minute of hesitation, looking him in the eyes. "Thank you," the voice was so low and soft, he could barely make out.

She tried to clear out the haze in her head and put a few coherent words in order. The words weren't there yet. Explaining everything was going to be so much more harder than enduring that cold stare. She drew her shoulders close and stiff in a tensed pose as she looked down, fumbling for words. She had no idea where to start. In that drunken state, she could not tell how bad digging everything up now would rip out all that she was holding herself together with. It was true that she was happy about it yesterday. But today, the sequence of the happenings had left her wounds opened up fresh and exposed. The badge on her arm, the scarf around her neck—it made her long for that one person for whose sake she'd been pushing herself all this long. Her heart desperately wanted to see that face, embrace that person so bad and never let him go. The reality—no matter how much she wished for it, it could never happen—never. And she knew it. But she missed him. She missed him so much. All the while, she had been so desperately hoping for a miracle that would bring him back. It was such an important day in her life. And she wanted to be with him. But the truth stabbed right through her heart. She knew it. She knew that could never happen.

He blinked in surprise as she looked up at him. Her face was contorted with pain—so much of pain, he could not even tell how deep the wounds ran. Tears flooded down her face. She'd been holding it in for so long, there had to be a limit. She drew her arms around her knees and balled herself up, trying to hold together the pieces she was now falling to. She could not stop the pain, she could not stop the tears, she could not stop the loud sobs that broke out of her scorching throat. He saw her frail body shaking all over. He saw her slender fingers clutching at her robes. He saw the pain that resonated through and through her being. He felt a familiar sting somewhere deep down.

She felt his hand run though her hair, down to her back. She did not look up. She felt the other hand land on her shoulder, the pressure of a slight squeeze.

"You think you are the only one who has lost someone precious?" she heard the voice that was calm as an ocean, and yet grave and painful in a very familiar way. She looked up through her blurry sight, into the slate gray eyes that mirrored her pain. Beyond that cold, impassive mask, she saw a reflection of her own wrecked state. She clutched at his captain's haori and buried her face into it. Out of reflex, his hands went up and clutched her closer, keeping her fragile little body from shaking. She did not try to pull away—not even a sign of protest. He could feel her tears soaking into his robes. After a long moment, he felt her shoulders sag as her sobs got lighter. She felt his warm hand rubbing her back lightly. It did not matter to her that this man was her captain, for once, it was okay to be comforted. She _needed_ him to comfort her. _He_ needed the comfort of comforting her. None of them spoke. They just let their pains get absorbed into each other.

"It's okay," his soft voice came in a whisper. "It's okay to let it all out."

She shook her head. Of course he would have already known about the noble family and the tragedy that befell the son of the house. And he knew about the sweet relationship she had shared with a certain nii-sama. With her last name connecting the dots, it wasn't hard to reach the conclusion. She did not need words to tell him anything. He understood everything she was going through, for he had been through a similar pain once. Maybe that was the reason they could look straight through each other's cold, impassive masks and know the real person behind it.

* * *

She woke up with a start as sunrays hit her eyelids. The bed was a little too cozy under her. She stared around for a moment, wide-eyed. The room was just so tastefully furnished. The curtains were a perfect cloud of embroidered fabric as the first rays of the rising sun filtered through the huge glass windows. The exotic tapestry adorned the wall on one side. She tilted her head to squint at the old antique clock sitting pompously on the mantelpiece. She still had time. A pair of her shinigami uniform had been prepared and placed over the drawers. She got up as her shoulders groaned in a slight protest and her head throbbed with pain. It felt a hundred times heavier. She rubbed the back of her head as she tried to focus her eyes. It was funny how she always ended up with a hangover on the first important days. She rubbed her eyes as she stumbled around the room. There was a nice fragrance that hung around—she could not name the smell, but it felt nice. A bunch of fresh flowers had been placed in the vase. She yawned as she finally saw the door and headed to take a shower.

Half an hour later, she was ready, knotting up her uniform, the vice captain's badge over her arm, and the dreadful silky scarf around her neck. She frowned at the white fingerless tekkou that lay there, a new addition she did not feel very welcoming but shrugged and pulled them on anyway, flexing her fingers once to make sure they wouldn't mess with her in the middle of a battle, just in case. She slung her zanpakuto around her waist as a gentle knock on the door startled her.

"Isshily-sama," the soft voice was familiar. "Isshily-sama, are you awake?"

She went to the door and slid it open. The humble maid stood almost bowed as she spoke.

"The breakfast is ready when you are done. Arai-dono has requested your company at the table," she looked up at her and then back at the dressing table. "Ano… would you need me to do your hair?"

She gave the kindly old maid a confused glance as her eyes traced the line of her sight and landed on the white hair ornaments lying atop the dressing table. _Kenseikan?_ She frowned just the tiniest bit before turning back to her with a slight smile. "No, thank you, Sharon," there was absolutely _no way _in hell that she was ever putting _those on_! The maid bowed as she turned around to walk away.

"Sharon," her voice was low and toneless.

"H-hai," The maid turned around and bowed again.

"Please, I request you don't bow in front of me," she held back a sigh and then smiled politely at the timid looking woman. "Can you escort me, please? I think I might get lost walking around here."

The maid blinked and then almost stopped herself from bowing again as she smiled back at her. Of course! The house was so huge and confusing it wouldn't take long for someone new to get lost around the place.

She followed her through a maze of hallways she couldn't tell one apart from the other. They just seemed exactly alike. The maid paused and signaled her to open a door and go in as they reached the dining room before giving her a reassuring smile as she disappeared around the corner of the hallway.

She took a deep breath and slid the door open. The old man looked up and nodded at her to come sit down across from his place. Another maid emerged through the door, placing the dishes down gently and disappearing with a slight bow. They ate in silence, none of them saying a word. She wondered if she should enquire about the old man's health but she could already tell just by looking at him so she decided against it. After they finished the last bits, she bowed slightly at him and asked for his leave to get to work. He nodded, the beady eyes studying her impassive face for a moment before summoning a maid to show her the way out. She felt thankful at the little gesture, for even with a fine direction sense, the hallways and rooms were so painfully identical that she wouldn't have been able to tell if she was heading straight or going around in circles.

Once out of the mansion boundaries, she took in a deep breath before deciding on shunpo to reach the division a little early. She hadn't expected to see the captain already there, going about his work in his usual detached fashion. He shot her a glance as she went up to the vice-captain's seat which was now _hers. _He half expected her to come up with that uncertain look of guilt and embarrassment in her eyes and needlessly apologize for any uncalled for actions on her part while she was drunk like she had done twice before. Instead, she leaned in her chair and stared back at the captain for one long moment, no expression passing over her usually blank face.

"I have faith in you, taichou," she said, plainly. She did not care to say any further and he knew exactly what she meant so he just nodded once, and the secret was safe between the two of them.

A hell butterfly landed on his desk, summoning him to an emergency captains' meeting almost as he was about to move to the next stack of papers.

A half an hour later, she heard an unusual commotion outside the division premises as she sensed the captain approach. She made her way out to find out what it was all about.

"We have a mission at hand," he filled her in on the details. Apparently a team of new recruits had been dispatched to the real world for a general round of hollow check when something had gone wrong and they had lost communication. None of them had returned and nobody knew what the situation on the other side was like. So the captain and the vice-captain of the sixth division had been ordered to get to the area and assess the scene.

Her eyes were red with the hangover as the captain gave her a questioning glance and she nodded, her stomach twisting into knots at the thought of her first mission as the _vice-captain._

They shunpod and skipped over the roofs of the houses, her muscles tensing as the unusually strong reiatsu hit their senses. They immediately headed towards it, flying through the damp air whipping their faces.

The sight was horrific and pathetic. The team of young, amateur shinigamis crouched, cowering in fear from a bunch of menos and… wait the situation was serious… there were almost a dozen menos with two vasto lorde level hollows. The team had been able to defeat three menos, losing one teammate in the process. Two were severely injured, in no condition to move and four others bleeding but still trying their best to fight them off. She glanced at the youngest looking shinigami, his eyes overwhelming with fear as he pleaded with them, looking at the two unconscious teammates and then back at her. She knew him back from the academy—the boy who had worked extra hard to get his kidou right—Kouichi… but his face was almost unrecognizable as she saw him gripped in the fear of losing someone important. She silently vowed to take back every single one of them back safe and sound—well at least not in a worse state than they already were. The captain exchanged glances with her and with one swift nod, he flash stepped in front of one of the giant monsters. With that, she jumped into the battle mode, wielding her magnificent zanpakuto, ready to slice anyone who tried to hurt what she was now protecting. She took down two menos in a single blow and pounced to take down another three of them while the captain battled with one of the vasto lordes. She hit her head while trying to dodge a cero attack from a menos that had suddenly appeared behind her. With another hurl of her zanpakuto, she sliced it right through the middle before she staggered to a nearby tree for support.

Blood dripped down the side of her face as short ragged breaths scorched her throat. They were facing the only monster left of the pack now—the other vasto lorde. Not only was it on a whole different level from the others but the damage inflicted by the previous hollows was enough to make them retreat to the defensive. It was taking advantage of their weak point—trying to get to the younger shinigamis whenever they tried to attack, invariably leaving a flaw in the defense. But she stood her ground as a shield between them, not a flicker of hesitation in her eyes.

"Strike, Raikitsu," she shot the flash of lightening, flinging the monster to a side and shunpod right in front of it before it gained its balance again and aimed the fox-thunder at it. Byakuya was a split second faster than the hollow as he flash-stepped behind it.

"Chire, Senbonzakura," the vice-captain's eyes widened for a second as she heard the captain releasing his shikai. She saw what was coming. Her eyes stole a glance at the almost defenseless shinigami team as the sakura blades flew towards the hollow. She knew before the monster even made a move that it was going to dodge and the blades would fly right at the vulnerable recruits crouching for defense. She did not take another second to think as she dashed to her side, throwing herself in the way of the stream of pink.

The hundred thousand blades pierced through her as she took the direct hit. Everything went black and numb as blood gushed out of her wounds. She felt the agony of a million slashes, ripping her to shreds.

"Arai," she heard the captain's shout as her eyes snapped open. She summoned her nerves and jammed her feet hard into the ground, planting herself right there. She lifted her hand to halt the captain where he was and thrust her zanpakuto into the ground, balancing herself. _Not yet_…_ no… not yet…_

"NOT YET," she shouted at the monster. "It's not over yet, you son of a bitch."

* * *

_madamada kieruna kokoro no hi o _  
_mada wasuretakunai mune no atsusa o _  
_madamada kieruna kokoro no hi o _  
_madamada ikeru zo ikeru zo_

_[Don't perish yet, the fire in my heart.  
I don't want to forget yet, the heat in my chest.  
Don't perish yet, the fire in my heart.  
I can still keep going, so here I go!]_

[Core Pride-UVERworld]

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**A/N: I hope that wasn't very disappointing…? Byakuya's portrayal did get a little OOC I admit, but well, there was no helping it!**

**Also, I've been having this problem of too much laziness lately and so, yeah... still, it's a faster update! But I'll update the next one soon.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please leave a review and let me know how you feel… or in case you might have some suggestions… highly appreciated! :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. And the whole world knows it belongs to Tite Kubo. There—I said what needed to be said x_x**

**A/N: Heeeee a faster update. Sigh. It's the best I could do although I can see room for improvement, my brains won't cooperate. Lazy to the bones—that's what I am -.-**

**Anyway I hope you like this chapter.**

**Read and review… please?**

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Chapter 7: Lessons

Her sight was getting blurry with the blood dripping down her forehead. Her legs felt numb, but she willed them to move, slowly but surely. Flash step, she realized, could be a blunder in her current state. She could feel her uniform sticking to her bleeding sides. Somewhere around the waist, somewhere around her shoulders, somewhere… more like _every_where—she was bleeding all over, with a thousand wounds dealt by the captain's shikai. She smiled as she tasted blood in her mouth. There was so much of pain that it was almost numbing out. Her smile grew wider as she tightened her grip over the thunderbolt-shaped zanpakuto and pointed it at the monster. It amused her, the pain was so numbing that it did not matter anymore, she was going to push it to the limits—it couldn't hurt more than what it already was. Her shoulders gave a faint sign of protest as she brought the other hand up to wrap it around the hilt of the zanpakuto, commanding her muscles to grip it tighter. She coughed and spat up blood. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand which left a trail of red across her face, she smirked again. There was a devilish glint in her eyes. This was it! If she was going to meet her end, it better be here—protecting the precious lives, and lending her support to the man who had always supported her. She gave one last reassuring nod as the captain's questioning eyes flickered to her for a fleeting moment. She backed up a step and took her stance, vaguely aware of the pain that shot up through her side. She'd probably broken a rib or two. The pain was secondary though. The eyes that watched her back from a few feet behind, and the eyes that flickered to her from a few feet in front time and again—worried, pitying, horrified glances—weighed on her more than her own body that she was dragging with the sheer will to protect. She narrowed her eyes, focusing with all her head. _Just a bit longer_. She told herself. The battle was drawing to its end. She just needed to hold it all together for a little longer. They had traced the pattern, they had the decoy plan in place, all that they were now counting on was the timing. She was ready before the vasto lorde made its move. She smirked as the hollow came flying at her with blinding speed. Her focus was out, but she knew it in a flit of an instance as she drew her zanpakuto in defense the exact moment the monster hit it. Her feet were planted firmly to the ground as she summoned the last bits of her strength and thrust it all through her arms to the zanpakuto. "Strike, Raikitsu!"

The thunderbolt fox came roaring at the hollow, tackling it a few feet away.

"Now," her voice thundered through the distance.

"Chire, Senbonzakura," the commanding voice was placid.

She saw pink. The gushing, flying, dancing pink of the captain's zanpakuto. She gave it one final blow as the beautiful sakura blades enveloped them, cutting through the hollow. She could not tell if a single one even grazed her. She did feel a few petals (and not blades) caress (and not slash) her-but in that state, the little that she could feel, she would not have been able to distinguish between a caress and cut. The hollow's eyes widened in fear for a split second as the realization and fear hit it. _Disappear!_ She smirked at it. The next second, she was falling to the ground as the blinding flash and the deafening groan of the dying hollow surrounded them. She could not feel anything anymore. She heard her zanpakuto fall with a clink. She saw the sky go bright and then fade to dark. She tasted blood on her tongue. She waited for what seemed like a long time as she anticipated the last impact of falling to the hard ground hit her battered body and drown out the last bit of consciousness. _What a waste!_ She heard her thoughts inside her head. _I couldn't make it any farther than this._ A single teardrop flowed down the side of her face as the darkness took over. A hundred images flashed by—a few faces. She saw an old wrinkly face with beady eyes staring a smile at her, she wanted to smile back. She saw a furry fox nuzzle into her side, she wanted to pat its head and pull it closer in her arms. She saw a red-haired guy smirk and reach out to tap her head, she wanted to slap his hand and return a smirk. She saw the face of a broken man holding his emotions in the back of his cold grey eyes, she wanted to reach out and touch him, comfort him, tell him it was okay. Last, she saw the gentle smile of a man spreading his arms for her. She wanted to run, chase towards him and embrace him so hard. She tried to fight away the darkness that was closing in on her with all she had left, she couldn't do it anymore.

"Gomen, nii-sama," a faint whisper escaped her throat.

He sped towards her and caught her frail, battered body in his gentle arms before it could hit the ground. He saw a single tear roll down. He saw a smile of triumph beam through the pain. He heard her little apology. He saw the blood stain his white haori, his robes, his hands. He felt her go limp. He felt the loud thumping in her chest, fighting at an unstable rhythm, fighting against the approaching end, trying not to give up. _I have faith in you, taichou_. He heard her voice from that day, loud and clear in his head. He saw it in his head—the unwavering faith in her eyes as she leapt into the arms of death, knowing he'll watch her back. Then he heard it—heard the glass walls confining him shatter one by one. He heard his own horrified voice crack and echo through the distance. The next moment, he saw the trees blur past him, the wind lashing his smooth black hair back, the damp air stinging his face as he shunpod in a speed he'd never considered himself capable of. He clutched the almost lifeless body to himself as something twisted excruciatingly inside his chest. For the first time in around half a century, he found himself praying, praying desperately for a life that was slipping like sands through an hourglass.

"Unohana taichou," the vice-captain of the fourth called out as a distraught captain of the sixth followed her on the heels, his face black as thunder. "We got an emergency here."

The serene captain turned around to find a limp body, drained of life cradled in the arms of the man with a dead expression on his face. Unohana briefly thought back to the last time she had seen him this way as she signaled him to follow her to the emergency room without delay.

"She's still breathing," she looked over her shoulder as he lay her down on the cot. "She's a fighter after all."

The darkness surrounded her all over. It clamped down on her. She couldn't move, she couldn't feel her body. The darkness seemed to securely clutch her as she drifted into oblivion. She thought if this was the end. Something told her she might have already left her body behind. Was she moving on? Away from what they called life? She had no clue. She could not find the organs to taste, smell, hear or speak, she could not find the muscles she willed to move in order to fight. The darkness was defeating her. Somewhere, she felt something warm and soft touch her, she tried to wrap around it—whatever it was—she could feel a little comfort creep into her—she wanted it to pull her away from the darkness that was devouring her. She held onto it with all she had left.

They were surprised, and relieved in an instant reflex as her fingers twitched—once, then again, then wrapped themselves feebly around his hand. Her hand was almost as cold as if dead, and yet it sent a flood of warmth through him as his hand felt vaguely wrapped around with life. Unohana's eyebrows shot up as she barked orders at her subordinates. She told the man it was still a very slim chance of survival. He looked up at her and smiled—a smile that was so innocent and childlike she could not believe it was the captain of the sixth, the head of the Kuchiki household.

"She'll pull through," his voice that sounded so dead a moment ago was suddenly resurrected with life and… hope… and _faith._ He relished the feel of the faintly clutching fingers around his hand. He pulled the hand into both of his, feeling the feeble line of life flow through them again. _I have faith in you too, fukutaichou._ He smiled slightly. For once, he did not care about the people around them. He did not care about anything but the sweet sound of thumping coming back to its rhythm.

* * *

She found herself treading the familiar path to the riverside. Her body felt heavy with fatigue as she dragged it along. She could not remember what she had been doing to get her so tired in the first place. The memories were hazy and thoughts were clouded. She did not want to think, just tread along to the place she knew only too well. She saw the dark silhouette that was too familiar. She smiled as she walked faster to reach him when suddenly the realization hit her hard. She stopped short, too afraid to reach out. Her heart throbbed with pain and anxiety as she tried to command her limbs to move, but they just wouldn't. And then she saw him turn around—the same generous comforting smile that sent ripples of joy through her.

"Nii… sama… nii-sama, _nii-sama_…" she ran to the man holding his arms wide open, crashing into him, almost knocking him off his feet. He brought his arms around her and held her tight. She hadn't realized how cold she was until his loving embrace spread warmth all through her. She broke down into sobs. She had missed this feeling so much. She had missed _him_ so much. And she had held her shattered self for so long. She could let herself fall to pieces now, when he was there to hold her together. He was there. And that was all that mattered.

"Nii-sama," she kept calling to him between sobs. He kept soothing her back and patting her head as he held on to her tightly. He could see how heart-broken she was. She had been pushing herself so hard all the time… and this time, it was almost—_almost_—over the edge.

He waited till she calmed down, as her tears ran dry and her sobs became lighter. He let her cry her heart out. That was the catharsis she needed. Holding in so much was slowly shattering her bit by bit. He needed to be there for her before she completely broke down.

"Gomen na, Isshily," his voice was sad as he wiped the last bits of tears off her face. "I left you behind like that."

She looked up at him, her eyes still moist. He was so miserable, she could tell by looking into his eyes as he tried to smile, not wanting to upset her. She shook her head frantically as she sniffed, his smell flooding through her senses.

"No, nii-sama," her voice was still a little shaky. "You are always there with me, are you not?"

"I always am, kid. Always will be," he ran his hand over her hair, a little smile finally brightening his face. "Come. Walk with me?"

She nodded like a little child as he took her hand and led her around. She forgot why at all she had been feeling tired. She forgot why at all she had been crying. She was happy, almost too happy right now. There was so much of warmth and bliss enveloping her. She felt light, light enough to fly out into the sky. Her hand in his, as they walked ahead under the dark moonless sky… this was how she'd known happiness and warmth and joy and… family… her universe.

She reached out her other hand to touch his… he was real and he was there. He beamed at her as they continued to walk for a while in silence. She had so much she wanted to say to him, so much she wanted him to know, and yet she couldn't bring herself to say a word. She wondered if he was feeling the same. Then he came to an abrupt end. She stumbled into him before she could realize it, she had just been walking without looking, deep in thoughts. He turned around to face her. The smile that was almost there disappeared altogether as she saw the pained expression on his face.

"Nii-sama, what's wrong?" her voice was a little high pitched.

"Isshily…" he looked away as he pondered on what to say next. He couldn't look into those eyes. "I'm so sorry to have burdened you like this. I never meant it to be this way…"

"What are you talking about, nii-sama," she blinked, trying to get him to look her in the eye, but he won't. She felt uneasy seeing him tense because of her.

"Kid," he sighed and cupped her face in his hand. "You don't have to push yourself like this. Not for me. Not for my wishes."

"Wishes…" she held onto his hand over her cheek as she tried to comprehend it. Her grip tightened a tiny bit as she came about. "No, nii-sama… I… I'm not pushing myself… what made you think that at all?"

He smiled sadly at her and patted her head. "Why… why did you do this? Just to fulfill some _last wish_ you thought I had for you? Just wanting to make me happy?"

She shook her head as a lump formed in her throat. "I just… I just wanted to make you proud of me, nii-sama. I thought that would make you happy. And I feel happy when you are happy. I… I just…"

He wrapped his arms around her, silencing her at once. "No, Isshily. That… I am so stupid. I made it a burden on you… I never wanted it to be that way… you… you're just pushing yourself to reach some _goal_ I set up for you. I never meant that…"

"Nii-sama, it's not that. I—" she tried to tell him but he silenced her with a finger on her lips.

"Tell me," his tone was serious and sad in a way that made her anxious. "If I hadn't asked it of you, would you still be going the way you are right now?"

"Nii-sama, it doesn't matter if it were your ambition or mine," she shook her head, emphasizing her point. "I… I _like_ it, I really do. I hadn't realized it till I set my foot into the academy grounds but maybe this is what I was meant for… being a Shinigami… I like my work. It—it's really the thing I want to do. If anything, I'm only grateful to you for giving me this direction, the goal that you set… becoming a captain… I have my eyes trained on that. I feel like I'm almost there… just a little bit longer."

"You've still got it all wrong, kid," he sighed as he gave her hand a little squeeze. "I'm happy that you like what you're doing. But… that _goal_… is it really what _you_ want? It might have been, if you gave it a little thought. But right now, it's not _your_ desire to become a captain that's pushing you, it's _my_ wish that's thrusting you towards it… every little thing that you do, you don't think about what _you_ feel, you just do it because it's me or grandfather or somebody else wanting it of you. Even taking up the family name, it wasn't because you wanted it, you just did it because you felt an obligation. When I told you I wanted to take you up in my family, it was because I wanted to give you a better life, not to put that heavy burden of nobility over you."

"But that does not matter," she interrupted, getting uncomfortable with the way he put the facts. "It really doesn't… I… I—I am doing everything in order to reach that goal… and it doesn't matter if it's yours… because logically I would have anyway set that goal for me after graduating. It's really me _wanting_ to become a captain. And I have my eyes set on it."

"And what of it? Once you do become a captain, _what_ will you have left?" he was growing impatient, and it showed in his tone as he _almost_ yelled at her. He saw her blink at him and stumble back. He cringed when he realized he was clenching her hand in his fist a little too tight. He took a deep breath, easing his hold, and then smiled his comforting smile, only it had a hint of sadness. "I'm sorry, kid. I didn't mean to…"

Two drops slowly made their way from her eyes down to either sides of her face. She always _did_ feel like a kid when he was around. It made all the walls surrounding her disappear in thin air. She could not hide anything from him. Her emotions got right past the barricades she put up, because they were never meant for him. He was the one person she could let it all out in front of. She could laugh and she could cry and he would be there to listen to her, to comfort her when she needed it. He put his gentle arms around her and drew her into a nice cuddly hug. She sobbed and sniffed, clutching his robes to her face. He ran his fingers through her hair and patted her back gently. After wiping off her last streak of tears, he lightly tilted her chin up to look him in the eye, smiling his warm smile.

"Sit," he gently pulled her down as he sat down cross-legged. "I'll tell you."

She nodded like a child, rubbing her eyes and beaming back at him.

"Isshily, I've seen you push through your limits and outgrow them. When you put your mind to something, you just keep going till you haven't reached it. That always inspired me. But this time, you focused on your goal so single-mindedly, you haven't paid attention to anything else. That's not how it's supposed to be. The journey to your goal is something you must also learn to appreciate as you tread along. Because once you reach your destination, what gives you joy is not having achieved it, but looking back on how you reached there. It's a beautiful life, kid, you have to realize that," he paused to look at her. She was staring at him with the same expression she had whenever he taught her about life, trying to grasp every single word. He gave her a warm, affectionate smile. "It's not just existence here, kid. You are supposed to _live_ it up."

She nodded. "I'll take care of that, nii-sama. But…" she gave him a confused look.

"You don't know how to go about it," it was more of a statement than a question. He patted her head, smiling. "You haven't realized it, have you? There is something about you. Can't you tell how people just gravitate around you without knowing it?"

Her eyes grew wider as images flooded through her head. Images of people who had always been around, but she had hardly been aware of them, hardly paid any attention to it. "I… never thought about it…"

"Exactly," he knew her too well. "You did not pay attention. Tell me how many memorable moments have you had all through your academy years or even after you've been in the sixth division for so long? How many _friends _do you have? Yes, you are friendly to all of them but you're not friends with them. You don't have _one_ person to confide in. You don't have _one_ person you could go back to, not _one_ person who would comfort you, hold you together when you need it. You just keep everything bottled up inside of you. It's wrecking you from the inside. Tell me, Isshily, why are you so afraid of letting it all out? Why are you so afraid of trusting anyone?"

She did not look at him. She just couldn't meet his eyes. All the lessons about life that he'd taught her… everything… she'd forgotten it all, turned a blind eye to everything in her flurry to reach her goal. He took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead, smiling.

"Remember, kid, it's not your goals that are going to take care of you, love you or comfort you when you need it, it's people you form bonds with," she nodded as he stared into her brown eyes. He saw the resolve. He saw the flicker in her eyes—the eyes that had been lifeless for so long. "You don't have to hold back, kid. Let your feelings connect to the ones who really care about you. Enjoy the scenery around as you make your way. You are not out of your place to feel anything. You are just like them. Embrace your feelings. There's nothing wrong with being happy or desiring something. Let it all out…"

She did not realize when they had started walking until they faced a huge wall. It stretched on in every direction as far as she could see. He took both her hands in his and gave a light squeeze. "Remember, kid, I'm always there for you," he kissed her hair and turned her around towards the wall. She felt a little pressure of his hand on her back as he pushed her towards it. She turned back to look at him for one last time, but he was gone. She felt brightness flood all over as the walls started to move…

Her eyes opened up slowly with great effort. It took her another minute to focus her eyes. She saw faces, many familiar faces, smiling at her in relief. She saw the red head, seated next to her cot, grinning ear to ear. She saw the 69-tattooed man dash to her side with a huge smile as his blond-haired friend gave a relieved look. She saw the slate grey eyes of an impassive faced captain shine as a 'welcome back' and the bald-head standing next to him wave at her. She saw the little twinkle in the eyes of the feathered-eyelashes man as he paused filing his nails for once. She saw the enchanting smile of the wavy blond haired woman. She felt her jaw muscles strain a little as she smiled back at them all—the kind of smile she had never shown… she smiled at people who she could call her _friends_. It was as if someone had suddenly broken the glass ceilings and let the sunlight flood in, warming, brightening, cheering up her world. She felt the impact as her smile shattered the walls surrounding her one by one, letting them all in, closer to her. For the first time in so many years, she felt euphoria sweep her over, leaving a blanket of fuzzy sensation around her.

* * *

_Itsumo sasaete kureru hitotachi ni _  
_Higorono omoi wo kometa rhapsody e _  
_Appreciation no kimochi wo todoke _  
_Itsumo arigato hontou arigato _  
_Tatoe doko ni tatte kimi no sonzai ni _  
_Kansha shiteru yo_

_[To all the people who have supported me..  
This heartfelt rhapsody goes out to you  
To send you my feelings of appreciation  
Thank you...I really thank you  
Wherever you may be,  
I'm grateful for you]_

[Thank you-Home Made Kazoku]

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**A/N: I hope the confrontation with nii-sama part wasn't confusing? It was all in her head while she was fighting death. The chapter was kinda long, eh? I hope you liked it. Sorry if it disappointed you.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please leave a review and let me know what you think of it so far. That really helps!**

**Hugs and kisses to all the reviewers, followers and the ones who added it to their favorites. I feel motivated yay!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Maybe—just ****_maybe _****in some dimension in some parallel universe I could own Bleach. But in this world, well, I don't.**

**A/N: Heeeeee this ****_is_**** another faster update! I'd like to thank all the reviewers, followers and people who favorited my story that really means a lot to me :)**

**I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint you. Read and review!**

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Chapter 8: Changes

It was cold. Way too cold. She should have been shuddering by now but her body felt drained, not even enough energy to wrap her arms around herself. The only thing that felt a little alive was her hand. She couldn't move it. It was clamped down between something warm and soft. She saw a pair of grey eyes intent on her. She knew them too well. She thought she smiled, even though she did not have an ounce of energy to move her muscles. It was just a dream she told herself. And then she remembered that innocent boy's face overwhelmed with fear. She felt tense. What had happened to them?

"They're all fine," she heard a soft voice. "We brought back every single one of them."

She thought she smiled again. The same face came into view but it was blurred. "Arigato, taichou," the rough feminine voice, though hoarse, sounded familiar. The rumble in her throat confirmed it, it was her voice.

"Why… why are you thanking me?" the voice was still soft, but it sounded as if on the edge of cracking up. "I should be asking for your forgiveness. It's because of my recklessness that you are all torn up now."

She felt a little warmth spread through her body as the face became a little clearer. Those deep grey eyes held her focus for a while before it was too painful to keep them open. She felt her fingers bend, clutching at the soft, warm thing around them. Her throat rumbled again as she heard the hoarse whisper of her voice. "You were worried about me, taichou?"

"Indeed," there was a pause. Or maybe she could not hear anything anymore. "Real men don't wear their heart on their sleeves. Doesn't mean they don't have one."

She wasn't sure if she heard it or imagined it. She was feeling too tired and drained out to concentrate on her senses anymore. The darkness was surrounding her again. But she did not fight it back. Because it wasn't scary like it had been the last time. It was warm and relaxing. Just like those moonless nights she liked. But somewhere, her eyes craved to see that full moon. The despicable, perfect moon she had always loathed.

* * *

She drifted in and out of consciousness. At times, she saw the few faces that comforted her, sometimes she saw the nostalgic face of her nii-sama and sometimes she was just surrounded by darkness, vaguely aware of a warm presence that always lingered around her.

One of those times, she found herself in the bright, warm world where the trees with perfect blue leaves bloomed with flowers of a color she did not know existed in her world. The serene river flowed in its perfect green. She saw the frog-like creatures flying overhead. The birds lazily floated in the stream. There were the darkest of the dark clouds she'd never seen in her world sweeping over the ground. The sun was its usual dark ball and the sky was the lively yellow of daylight. She saw the blue leaves rise from the ground and float up to the trees.

"I wonder if this is spring season here," she said as she strolled around casually.

"It's always the same season here," she heard the familiar voice and turned around to greet it. The fox walked towards her with a smile that made its stern face look unusually adorable. Its soft fur glistened as it swung its head around nonchalantly.

"Ra-Raikitsu," she stammered.

The fox looked up at her. "What are you acting so surprised for? Who else do you expect to find in this place except me."

"No. It's not that," she was surprised the fox had willingly come out and was talking to her, _smiling _at her, and not pouncing or trying to rip her with its claws.

"Oh!" the fox grinned, flexing its claws. "I'm not going to fight you anymore now. I give up."

"Wh-what?" She saw the fox grin wider and raise its front paws in the air.

"Yeah, you heard me," it walked up to her and sat down in a majestic way, tilting its head to rest over her shoulder. "I'm tame now. Yes, of course that means you can scratch my head, ruffle my fur, tickle my chin… do as you like. I wouldn't mind purring in my master's lap."

"Rai… kitsu," she stroked its muzzle. "You mean…"

"Yeah," the fox rolled its eyes. "You win."

* * *

There was a sound of excited chattering breaking through the continuous drone of sickly sound she had been hearing for what felt like ages to her. She opened her eyes slowly and saw the familiar faces staring at her.

"Unohana taichou," one of them dashed away. "She's coming around."

She blinked her eyes for a few times till they were focused. There was a faint pain shooting up through her side as she tried to sit up.

"Don't push yourself," the fourth squad captain came to her, the calm smile in place. "You are still recovering."

She looked around once more, recognizing all the faces that stared at her. "I… I'm alive."

"Of course you are!" she heard them all say it together. The red head snickered. The blond haired woman stroked her hair. The 69-tattooed man, the blonde man stood close by, smiling. The feathered-eyelashes guy paused his usual nail-filing and grinned. And then there was the impassive masked captain and the shiny bald head standing by the far window, one staring at her with a ghost of a smile on his lips, the other grinning wide and waving. _Renji. Rangiku-san. Hisagi taichou. Kira-kun. Yumichika-san. Madarame Ikkaku. And… Kuchiki taichou._ She looked at each one of them, associating her memory together with the faces she saw. And then she smiled. It felt odd but it felt right. She was back and she was breathing. She was not going to waste it anymore existing through life like she had. She got a second chance. And she was going to cherish it from now on.

"I… can I sit up?" her voice was just a little clearer though her throat still hurt. Renji wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a sitting position while Rangiku tenderly held onto her hand. It felt warm, or maybe she was still cold. She twisted her arm around to squint at the healing scars. Her head still throbbed and her side hurt just slightly.

"You should be alright in a few days, I think," Unohana said. "You had a broken rib which is fixed. An injury on your head that is still recovering. And the scars will be gone soon."

"So I… can walk?" she couldn't feel her legs yet. It worried her a bit.

"Yes, that should be fine," she checked her eyes. "You might feel a little dizzy for now. The effects of tranquilizers will soon wear off. But don't push yourself too much. Your body still needs rest to heal."

She nodded as the kind lady turned around to leave and then grinned excitedly at her _friends_.

"Let's all go out drinking once I get out of here!" they stared at her with open jaws. It wasn't like her. "Oh, but the bill'd be on whosoever is glad about me being alive."

She winked. They still stared at her in disbelief. Then Rangiku started giggling and they all burst out laughing one by one. She laughed along. It felt good. She hadn't laughed like that since… _forever_. She looked at their happy faces, cherishing the moment. This was what true happiness felt like, something she hadn't felt in a long while.

* * *

"Kanpai," the toasts went up with cheerful laughter. She could feel an aura of happiness all around her. She had finally decided to shrug out from the shackles she had weighed herself down with for so long. It felt good to be open, close to the people who made her feel happy. She had been experiencing so much after stepping out of those walls that confined her. She was reaching out and was not only being accepted but also loved. Friendship, she realized, was a beautiful thing… _the most beautiful of all!_

She look around, at the three guys having a drinking competition (again!), at the other guy who sat there filing his nails, trying to make them more beautiful (because nothing less than beautiful would do for him!), at the gorgeous woman laughing loudly in her already half drunken state, and there was a new addition—the raven haired girl whom she'd known for long and her orange haired captain—Kurosaki taichou—the legend everyone looked up to. She had always felt closer to Rukia than anyone else—partly because she had almost had the same life story; struggling with life in Rukongai and, getting into the academy and then being adopted into a noble clan. They understood each other even though they hardly had chances to meet lately since Rukia was mostly busy with her work as the vice-captain under Ichigo. For once, she felt thankful that her captain did not overburden her with too much of work like most others. She looked at her again, sensing the air of distress around her as she eyed the orange haired captain who had accepted Renji's invitation and was hanging out. His head drooped low. He was definitely stressed about something which stressed Rukia in return.

"Rukia," she got up and smiled at her. "Got a minute?"

She looked up at her and nodded, trying to smile in return. "Yeah."

"Need some fresh air," she made a face. She hadn't yet recovered completely so it was a good excuse that she needed someone around just in case.

"O-okay," she got up and shot the orange head an uncertain glance. "Ichigo, I'll be back in a minute okay."

He nodded, not looking up. Renji put his arm around his neck yelling half incoherently at him to cheer up. It only irritated him more.

They walked out on the street in silence. It was clear Rukia was stressed, she could tell she was just trying to put up a façade in front of everyone.

"Hey, what's the matter?" she asked her in a comforting tone. Somehow, she always gave her a younger sister kind of feeling. And she was genuinely worried about her. "Mind telling me?"

She looked up at her and then looked in a distance. "It's complicated, Isshily… I… okay Ichigo is way too stressed about the way nii-sama has been treating him since he… he…"

"He…?" she could tell Rukia was now blushing. She stared at her for a long second and then gaped. "Oh… my god, Rukia…?"

Rukia looked her in the eye and nodded, confirming her train of thoughts was heading the right way.

She stared some more and then smiled. "I am so… _happy_ for you… I just… when did that even happen?"

"Neither of us has any idea," she rolled her eyes. "It's just crazy how you find love when you least expected it!"

"Yeah… I hope you guys have a happy future," she winked. "I can already _see_ that though."

"I don't think it's working out right, Isshily," she sighed. "Nii-sama's been giving him a really hard time. I literally sneaked out here tonight. He'll probably kill Ichigo if he knows we're hanging out together."

"Oh taichou is acting stingy as usual, isn't he?" she rolled her eyes. "But you know he'll give his consent eventually, na Rukia. Kurosaki taichou is a worthy man. So cheer up. You know your brother."

Rukia bit her lip. "I wonder."

They saw the orange haired captain stumble out and Rukia immediately went to his side. "Ichigo, I told you to go easy on drinks. Geez what the hell."

She nodded at Rukia as she looked up to excuse herself. "Yeah, go on, sneak back into the house."

They stumbled away as she stood staring for a while and then her brains started racing. She popped inside to see all her companions were now pretty drunk to really notice much so she just muttered some excuse and slipped away. While she walked swiftly, the frown never left her face.

* * *

She crossed her arms in front of her chest staring determinedly as the captain gave her a questioning look. She'd just made it in time to catch him before he was done with his walk and returning home.

"Kuchiki taichou," her voice was cold, a perfect copy of his. "Why are you giving them a hard time? I can see you've already made up your mind."

"I have," he confirmed, his voice was just as cold. "I just wish to make sure it's right."

"But…" she gave him an exasperated look. "It's the best thing, taichou can't you _see_?"

"Yes," he turned around to leave. "And that is the reason I have decided in favor of it."

She rolled her eyes. It was way too clear in his eyes. He was proud of his sister. She suspected he'd seen that coming a long time back and probably might have already tried his wicked little tricks to sabotage their relationship. But then she knew he was over protective of Rukia and well, being who he was, she knew it couldn't be anything less dramatic with him. He was Kuchiki Byakuya after all!

"You're a weird one, taichou," she muttered under her breath. It was too low for him to have possibly heard it but he turned around.

"I am," he said, emotionlessly.

_Crap! _She blushed, looking down. "I… I-I didn't mean…"

"Real men don't wear their heart on their sleeves," his cold voice travelled over to her and her head snapped up. "Doesn't mean they don't have one."

And with that he was gone, leaving her blinking at him in shock.

* * *

He turned around just in time to conceal the little twitch as his lips arched up slightly. He wondered why it was so hard to guard himself against her. She could see through him, alright. But the drastic change that had occurred in her person in the past few days had literally dragged him out of his own cocoon. He mused over how the woman had come into his closed little sphere—almost penetrated through it—and stirred his soul from a deep slumber. How his walls had almost felt so transparent around her. How it was a struggle every day to keep them in place. For the first time in life, Kuchiki Byakuya had felt vulnerable. He pondered over how uneasy and unsettling it was at first and much to his own chagrin, he admitted contemplating on transferring her to another division. But it had never really come down to that. Kuchiki Byakuya wasn't weak.

And gradually, everything settled around and into the little gaps in his existence. Life, for once, had become a break from the constant drudgery. It became experience. But with the dramatic changes, came new developments. Nobody understood how it happened, but after almost thirty hours of battling death, she had suddenly come out as a whole different person. Just like a butterfly who'd fluttered its beautiful wings for the first time coming out after a long struggle inside its cocoon.

Change is highly disconcerting and uneasy. He knew that. But that change can still be so welcome was something he had neither anticipated nor believed. Unsettling as it was, the tiniest details about her were unconsciously affecting people who gravitated around her… including him, if he dared admit it. But sometimes, change is still a beautiful thing. For once, Kuchiki Byakuya dared to make an exception and adjusted to that change. And to be honest, it wasn't half bad.

* * *

_But then you came around me_  
_The walls just disappeared_  
_Nothing to surround me_  
_And keep me from my fears_  
_I'm unprotected_  
_See how I've opened up_  
_You've made me trust_

_'cause I've never felt like this before_  
_I'm naked around you_  
_Does it show?_  
_You see right through me_  
_And I can't hide_  
_I'm naked around you_  
_And it feels so right_

[Naked-Avril Lavigne]

* * *

**A/N: I hope you liked this chapter…? I'm trying my best to stick to the character sketches but can't help slipping up at places. Gomen. And oh, up next is a major IchiRuki chapter xD 'cause I can't ****_not_**** include IchiRuki in any fic I write!**

**Thank you for reading!**

**Reviews, as always, are much appreciated and motivating even if they are critical so do me that favor… please?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own bleach you know… if I did… well, the first two parts of this chapter would have most definitely been canon xD**

**A/N: Did I make you wait? I am sorry but IchiRuki are here (with many others *winks*) to make up for it. Well, this chapter is personally my favorite… because it has ****_so_**** many of my favorite ships xD xD I'm sorry if you don't agree with a few.**

**Read and REVIEW please!**

* * *

Chapter 9: Joy

_It's crazy how you find love when you least expected it…_

The words of the raven-haired girl echoed in her head as she saw her glide gracefully down the aisle. She looked like the most gorgeous little thing in the beautiful white kimono. It was hard for anyone who looked at her once to take his eyes off her. Her face held an expression that had no name to it. It was a mix of joy and excitement and pride and anticipation and impatience and love and so many things. Her eyes were twinkling like the stars in a moonless sky. Her cheeks were perfect porcelain with a tinge of pink that made her look even more beautiful. Her smile spoke a million words no one would ever understand.

The orange haired bridegroom stood smiling. His eyes held a glisten of pride as he stared at her. There couldn't have been a person happier or more content than he looked and yet so impatient that he couldn't wait for the next five steps she took slowly to finally stand by his side. It was like a picture perfect couple. The atmosphere held that sacred essence of two souls becoming one. Even with so many people milling in and around the Shinto shrine, there was an essence of peace and serenity that enveloped the place. The perfect pair stood in all docility as the ceremony commenced.

Her brother held himself straight in a graceful manner as he escorted her. His face was just as straight and impassive as ever, observing the whole ritual with a serene, humble expression. But his eyes—they spoke a million words. He held her hand with so much of pride and affection, it was a tough job to miss it. His eyes were alive with happiness, and yet a little bit of sorrow. When he looked at the groom, his eyes narrowed just the slightest bit, as if to say _'Hurt her and I'll kill you!'_ Almost in the same instant, the orange haired guy nodded in understanding, with a serious expression that said it all. _'I'll kill and get killed before even a shadow of anything could reach her._'

She wondered how many people saw that silent exchange as she watched them with wide eyes moist with tears of joy. She was happy, very happy. The way they looked so complete together, there was no way to describe it. It was as if they had always been two parts of the same, never growing apart through the eternal space and time.

The red head came to stand beside her. He had had the same wide grin plastered over his face for the whole day.

"Our Rukia is finally marrying that dumbass for real, eh?" his voice was a babble of excitement. "Guess they _are_ perfect for each other," he snorted.

She nodded with the same huge smile, not taking her eyes off them. A bubbly little voice startled her as she finally peeled her eyes off the couple to look at the tall guy standing beside her. He had a chubby little baby boy cuddled in his arms. She couldn't help but make a baby face as she took his hand.

"Renji… he's so _cute_… who's baby is this? So cute," her voice was excited and childish as she played with his hair and stroked his cheek, making him giggle.

"Oh, you might not know them," Renji pointed to a tall, lean serious looking man with specs in Kurosaki's friends' crowd and a gorgeous lady with long orange hair standing beside him. "The Ishidas. Orihime and Uryuu. They've been friends with Ichigo and Rukia for a long, long time."

She stared at the happy couple holding hands as they watched their friends' ceremony. Their faces held such calm and content expression as they stood side by side. It was almost as if they radiated love.

"Wow," she turned back to Renji. "I can't believe they let a brash guy like you take care of their child," she teased him in a light tone.

"I-it's not that," his voice was a stutter as a little shade of red crept onto his face. "Arisawa's been carrying him all this while I just thought I'd let her observe the wedding in peace while I take care of him."

She looked at him and then at the spiky haired girl he pointed to. Then she looked back at him, staring and then blinking. "Renji… oh my god _Renji_… don't tell me you… you—you guys…"

He grew even more red in the face as he nodded. "Yeah. Now don't go around spilling the beans okay."

She gave him a quick squeeze as her smile spread even wider. "I'm so… _happy_ Renji, I'm _so_ happy for you. Who would've even thought a stupid brat like you could _fall in love_… and with a chick like _that_…"

"Shh, don't start squealing right here, else I'd be in trouble," he glared at her as she stuck her tongue out. "She'll kill me for real if word gets out. And, oh god, just stop jumping like that. I'll introduce you guys later. That's Arisawa Tatsuki."

It was almost a shock for her. Renji, the foolhardy guy with no sense of delicacy was _dating_! She looked back at the girl. She looked short but pretty athletic. Something about her just twisted in the right way to fit the dumb bastard perfectly.

"Well, I gotta admit," she nudged him, grinning. "She does look exactly your type, you know."

Renji just rolled his eyes as they continued watching the ceremony.

* * *

After the ceremony was over, the crowd milled towards the newly-weds to congratulate them and offer their heartfelt greetings. There was a certain essence of impatience in their eyes as they smiled at everyone, thanking them. She couldn't help but roll her eyes as Rukia caught her staring from a distance, giving her a frantic nod. She congratulated them with a smug grin, winking knowingly at Rukia, who blushed and looked down as her brother caught the little exchange between the two. She waved at him dismissively, "Nothing you should know, taichou."

She tried to decipher his guarded expression. His eyes were a mix of so many emotions it was too hard to tell. He'd always been a man of few words, but his eyes… they spoke a million things. Of which, one she could clearly see was pride. She blushed as he caught her staring at him not once but twice. It was embarrassing but her eyes would just unconsciously wander over to his side.

Renji had all but disappeared after congratulating them. The short athletic girl was nowhere in sight. She just snorted, rolling her eyes. There was way too much love in the air. For the first time ever, she noticed so many couples among the regular shinigami and human crowd. It was a strange sight—but equally refreshing. She stood in a corner, enjoying her drink of sake, observing the people around. Somewhere, she caught sight of Zaraki taichou of the eleventh talking to Unohana taichou of the fourth. Her eyes widened just the tiniest bit before she turned away, she was still way too scared of the wild aggressive captain. _Well it is a possibility, strange as it might be._ She thought. _They say opposites attract._ She grinned at her own thoughts.

"Toushirou," she heard the voice of a girl calling out to—what took her a minute to realize—the captain of the tenth division. It took her another minute to believe what she'd just heard. Had she just called him _Toushirou_?! The stingy white-haired Hitsugaya taichou—_Toushirou_?!

She turned around to look at the brave-heart who could've done that. A lean girl—whom she recognized as one of the Kurosaki sisters—with straight black hair falling down her shoulders reached up to ruffle his white hair as he caught her hand and took it in both of his. "I'm not that short anymore, Karin," he smirked as they walked away.

She just stood there wide-eyed, gaping. It was way too much for a single day. So many surprises… just way too many.

"Taichou might as well release his Hyourinmaru if he saw you gaping at them like that," she heard a voice from behind her as she straightened her face, smiling at the gorgeous blond haired woman walking towards her with a cup of sake.

"Ra-Rangiku-san," she looked around her, half expecting someone to pop out from behind.

"Don't," she grinned at her. "I didn't come with a date today."

She blushed, a little embarrassed. "I-I didn't mean that, Rangiku-san."

"Speaking of which," she grinned at her as she signaled her to trace the same way as her eyes. "Shuuhei got one. Can you believe that? _Shuuhei and Isane_… I might as well expect Ikkaku turn up with Yumichika next."

"As if they already don't" she rolled her eyes, realizing a minute too late to snap her mouth shut.

Matsumoto blinked at her thrice and then burst out laughing "You… Isshily, since when did you… hahaha… your sense of humor…"

She smiled at her sheepishly as she made a mental note to keep her sarcasm and 'sense of humor' in check.

While the crowd started retiring slowly, she looked around to have one last good look, before leaving. She still saw the white-haired captain with the black-haired girl. She noticed Renji with the spiky haired girl and the happy couple with the chubby baby in the other corner. She saw the newly-wed couple holding hands, still nodding at people. _It's crazy how you find love when you least expected it._ The thought repeated in her head as she headed to the exit with a smile on her face.

* * *

It was getting late as she changed back into her shinigami's attire and started on her way to the sixth division HQ. Her captain had been busy with the arrangements for his sister's marriage even though he tried to balance his work the best. He had reluctantly taken the day off at her insistence. She knew he had wanted to, but his so called morals and responsibilities came in the way. She knew Rukia would understand but she definitely would be upset, not that she ever expected much attention from her nii-sama, but then it really was a big day for her. So she somehow convinced him of his responsibilities towards his sister to be more important than the crappy paperwork at the division. She had seen relief in his eyes as he had finally given in to her constant persuasion. It was always like that with him—someone had to push him, holding the baton of 'responsibilities' to make him do what he really wanted to. It had become her little strategy of late—label whatever he wants as a 'responsibility' and he'll do it.

Nevertheless, it only piled up more work for her, not that she minded doing it in the least bit. But she really was feeling tired now. Even while trying her best to avoid it, she had taken in a fair amount of sake. Though she was still in a working condition. She sighed as she opened up the door and went to sit down at her table, tying her hair up in a loose bun. She flipped through a few papers, scribbled some, signed some as the time ticked off. She really wasn't in a mood to do anything but she had no choice. _Kuchiki taichou would only blame himself for taking the day off when he saw so much work pending._ She had decided to sit through the night if she had to, to finish up the task.

An hour and a half through with the scribbling and flipping and signing, she was startled by the sound of the doors sliding. It was quite late to be at the HQ. She figured it might be someone from the division, left with something to do. But then the door to the office slid open and she stared up to find the captain standing in the doorway.

"Taichou," she blinked. "What are you doing here?"

"I took the day off, not the night," he said in his usual monotone. She sensed the little awkwardness in his words though. "I'll just finish the work here."

She tilted her head as he went to sit in his chair, avoiding her eyes. Yes, there definitely was some awkwardness in the way he sat, the odd angle he bent his head at as he stared into a bunch of papers. Then it hit her—why, of course! Weren't Kurosaki taichou and Rukia staying back at the Kuchiki manorfor a while now?! And well, even with that huge a mansion, he'd be feeling awkward around the newly-wed couple—hell he won't be able to sleep at night! A giggle escaped her throat. He looked up at her with a startled expression as she covered her mouth—okay now she was seriously trying not to laugh out loud, but the captain's poker face only made it more difficult for her! She tried to bury her head into the papers but the ticklish feeling in her stomach just won't stop. She pushed back her chair, holding her breath so that another giggle might not escape, excused herself and ran out with the little oxygen she had left in her lungs.

Five minutes later, entering the room with a straight face she was prompted by the captain's questioning eyes. She sighed.

"No, taichou, I'm not drunk," she said monotonously. "And I did not just run out to throw up or something."

She settled back in her chair, burying herself into the stacks again. Another hour through, she felt her heavy eyelids shutting and she sat back up straight, blinking. _Crap! I'll just go splash some water in my face._ She was about to get up and leave when her eyes fell on the captain's serene face. He'd slid back in his chair, dozing off. Of course he had to be tired after all the day's work. She pondered over his blissfully oblivious expression as her eyes traced the lines of the all-too-perfect features on his perfectly handsome face. She wondered what that face would look like when a smile would brighten it up and then shrugged, walking out to the balcony.

_It's crazy how you find love when you least expected it._ She heard the thought in her head again, wondering where it came from all of a sudden as she leaned against the railing to take a good look at the night sky, brightened by the full moon. The despicably perfect full moon she had never liked.

* * *

_Tonight_

_Love is rationed_

_Tonight_

_Across the nation_

_Tonight_

_Love infects worldwide_

[Tonight, Tonight, Tonight-Beat Crusaders]

* * *

**A/N: Heeeeee IchiRuki xD I hope you liked the chapter? Let me know what you thought of it… please? I'll be updating the next chapter sooner hopefully. Till then, keep my motivation up :3**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please leave a review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. I don't own no nothing x_x it's pointless I have to say it again and again. But, oh well!**

**A/N: Here's Raikitsu again in the first part! Sorry for making it a little complicated you'll have to put your imagination to use here. But it'll do even if you don't! Read and review please :3**

* * *

Chapter 10: Triumph

"You're here again," she heard the ringing voice of the fox as it came up from behind.

"Raikitsu," she saw the sneak-attack coming and readied herself. But the fox did not pounce at her as it always did. It trotted around to her side instead, smiling. "It's _you_ who's in _my_ world this time."

She patted its head. It wasn't just a dream then. The fox that had always been hostile towards her while she overpowered it and forced it to lend her its strength had finally been tamed. She nuzzled its chin absently as she pondered over it.

"It's because you have finally overcome your own limitations," it said, reading her mind. "Tell me why you had always wanted that strength, Isshily?"

She blinked at the fox. "I… well I thought I can't be a captain without attaining a bankai."

"Indeed," it smirked. "And what do you think of it now?"

"I don't need a bankai for a meaningless ambition, Raikitsu. That's what I think of it now," she stared her straight in the eye. "I need the strength to protect what I want to."

She paused to look at its smiling face.

"Go on," it said. "Tell me everything."

"You know, when I saw that young boy there… he had so much of will to fight but he knew the limits of his strength… the fear of losing something important that I saw in his eyes. The desperate glances he shot at me, I wanted to lend him all the strength I had. I promised to myself I was going to protect them. They were still so young, so, so innocent, how could I just see those lives getting wasted," she stared in the distance for a long moment. "Nii-sama's gone, Raikitsu. I realized I was wasting my life too, trying to chase something I couldn't reach. Maybe I never had enough of will to reach that goal. Because it wasn't mine… it really wasn't what I wanted. Protecting those young lives, supporting taichou who was so fearlessly fighting off the monsters, counting on me… that's what I wanted. I wanted to be strong enough to take them back unharmed. I wanted to be strong enough to deserve the faith taichou put in me. For that moment, the limits were meaningless for me. I knew we couldn't win if I didn't surpass them. And losing was not an option then. I would never have been able to forgive myself if I had broken the trust I saw in that boy's eyes when I stood between them and the hollow. I would have never been able to look taichou in the eye if I had failed that day."

"And that's when you forced me to surrender," Raikitsu chuckled. "I had been completely scared of you for that moment, you know."

"Yeah," she smiled, putting her arms around the fox's neck, rubbing her cheek over the silky fur.

"So, are you ready?" it asked in a serious tone.

She pulled back and looked at it for one long moment, then nodded. "I am."

"Have you formed your resolve?" it sat straight in a majestic way in front of her, eyes staring intently.

"Yes," she stared back with determined eyes.

"Say it," the fox commanded.

"Yes," her voice was loud and clear over the thunder that was now rolling. "I want to become stronger. Much more stronger. Not to chase behind some meaningless ambition. I want to become stronger so I can protect those around me. I want to become stronger so that I don't let down people who count on me. I want to protect, I want to support. That's my resolve. I will give it my all, till my last breath, the last drop of blood, the last shreds of my life… I offer my whole self to you, in return, I ask for all your strength. Lend it to me, RAIKITSU."

"Very well," the fox's voice was now a faraway sound, it was surrounding her from all sides. "I lend you my strength."

She opened her eyes to find it dissolving into a blinding flash of thunder. She was surrounded by dark clouds, more like she was _inside_ a huge dark cloud. She stood in the center but it felt like the cloud was her center. She could materially feel the whole cloud inside of her. She pointed a finger to her right and a thunderbolt crashed right through the side of the cloud. It was crazy, she could feel the power flowing through her. She concentrated. It felt like controlling the cloud from the outside while she stood inside. She guided a jolt through her right arm all the way to the tip of her finger and an even more intense thunderbolt struck the ground. Every time she felt that she was releasing a thunderbolt, it crashed in from the cloud.

"You understand now, don't you, Isshily," Raikitsu's voice came from every direction like the thunder itself. "You are a part of me, and I am a part of you."

She nodded. She felt it in every nerve, every cell of her body. "So this is how it feels," she smirked. She raised her arms wide open and then as if she was collecting the cloud in her arms, it started shrinking. "Arigato, Raikitsu."

She compressed it with little effort till she felt it in her hands. The hilt of her zanpakuto. Raikitsu was back in its katana form. She stared at it with a serene smile for a long moment and then sheathed it, not letting go of the hilt on her waist. She wasn't yet sure of what she had just felt. It was going to take some time to wrap her head around it.

* * *

She skipped around the division HQ, humming. For once she did not care about the weird glances she received from her subordinates. She did not even care about the cold stare the captain gave her. She simply looked at him, stopped humming and gave him a huge smile.

"I sensed your reiatsu a while ago," he observed. "It was far away but it felt really wild. What have you been doing?"

"Hmm, nothing much, Kuchiki taichou," her smile grew wider as she resumed her humming. "Just some regular training."

A hell butterfly tenderly landed on her finger and she stared at it in excitement.

_Message to the captain of sixth division: a group of fairly strong hollows has been spotted 332 east, 1057 north. Please head out with the vice-captain and all the seated officers while the situation is still being assessed._

In an instant, they were headed towards the said destination. She smirked, she was way too excited. _Yosh. Time to try it out. Raikitsu, are you ready? _She felt the soft affirmative rumble in her head._ Alright. Let's go!_

Byakuya could see through all her cheerful excitement. He knew it without having to be answered. Her reiatsu was way too wild. He let her get there a step ahead of him. The other seated officers were trailing behind. They landed in front of the pack of hollows. It was scarier than the one she had witnessed back then. She felt a ticklish feeling inside her head as she grew restless, her hands itching to wrap around the hilt of the zanpakuto.

"Taichou," her grin was almost maniacal. "Let me handle this?"

He gave a slight nod, stepping closer. "I shall observe."

She widened her eyes at him for a second, then grinned. "I don't know yet how much control I have. So keep a look out."

He nodded.

The seated officers just made it in time to hear her say it.

"Bankai," she held out her zanpakuto vertically and then let go of it. It hung in mid-air. "Ten no Kougou, RAIKITSU!"

The black clouds rolled out with a thunderous sound as the zanpakuto dissolved in a blinding flash.

"Ba-Bankai?" one of the officers stuttered as they stared wide eyed at the dark cloud on the ground which had engulfed the two superiors. "Fukutaichou… has a bankai?!"

She had her eyes closed up in concentration. She could feel the respective reiatsu points inside her head. It seemed too easy. There was no reason to hold back. She let the thunder roll through her wrist to the tip of her finger. A single thunderbolt slashed down three hollows at once. The reiatsu points disappeared. She felt one of the points creating a menace, skipping from one point to another. It was fast. She opened one eye to look at it. _A low level arrancar? Sonido, eh?_ She concentrated on the point for a moment and struck it with a little more intensity. The arrancar's sonido was pretty much useless while dodging lightning. She giggled. She felt like a maniac, insane and impulsive. She struck down the hollows one by one. None of them could dodge, none of them could fight back. Even while she stood in the center of the cloud defenselessly, it wasn't possible to touch her. She was too far to reach. She opened her eyes slowly when all but one reiatsu point remained. Her grinning eyes held a questioning look at the captain as the cloud shrunk back into the zanpakuto. She saw a flicker in his eyes and a ghost of a smile grace his features for a split second as he turned around, heading back.

"Your bankai is still too wild," he observed, throwing her a glance from the corner of his eye.

She nodded. She knew she would have to practice a lot harder with it. But for now, she just wanted to bask in the glory of the moment. She'd just made a clean sweep with a pack of hollows with high level reiatsu.

When she turned back to the gaping subordinates, she swore later none of them would ever forget the gesture she made: she grinned so wide, showing all her teeth, striking up two fingers in a victory sign and let out a "Hee."

* * *

She skidded to a stop right at the entrance of the eighth division. Through the clouds of dust rising up, she saw the chaotic situation as two belligerent shinigamis grappled with each other, wild shikais released. She scanned the area to find a few badly hurt members who must have tried to break the fight. Others stood shocked and scared while some cheered on.

"I told you two to stop," a shrill voice cracked through as a tiny figure jumped between them.

Her eyes widened just a tiny bit but she did not move from her spot, observing the brave-heart who had dared to throw himself in the middle of the crossfire. Instead, she took down to whacking each of the cheering bastards, who were trying to fuel the fire, over the head.

"You do not enjoy the fights between two of your own squad members when you should be trying to maintain peace and decorum," she shouted, knocking another one hard on the head. The meek looking boy was glaring at the two fighters as he unsheathed his katana. She shot a cold glance at the remaining few before turning her attention to the scene.

"Get out of the way, kid," one of them scowled. "You don't want to get hurt."

"I most certainly will not," he said, clutching the hilt of his zanpakuto tighter as he stared at him with determined eyes. "You two need to break it. Now."

"Don't blame me later," the other one said, pouncing at the little boy who blocked off the shikai with his unreleased katana. With another efficient jerk, he rounded behind him and threw him to the ground, binding him with a strong kidou spell. She was amazed at the strength with which he handled the man who looked at least twice as burly as himself.

"Kono," the first shinigami came flying at him before he could turn back. "I'll show you what happens when punks intrude two men's fight."

"Attacking from behind and calling yourself a man? Tch, pity," she glared at the surly man, blocking his attack at the young boy. Another swift action had him off-balance as she sent his zanpakuto flying in the other direction.

"I-Isshily senpai…" the boy stared at her and then smiled. "Thank you."

"You did great, Kouichi-kun," she smiled back, as the man struggled in the headlock she had twisted him into. "Sa… let's take care of this mess first."

"H-hai," he sheathed back his zanpakuto, dragging the man he had knocked out by the collar. She did the same as they walked to the gates. The injured squad members were being taken to the healing facilities by the others, some of them still rubbing their heads at the sour spots where they had earned well-deserved whacks.

"What was it all about anyway?" she asked the boy walking beside her.

"These two here are the third and fourth seated officers of the division, as you know," he said, scowling at them. "Takao-san here was claiming he was stronger than Kano-san and wanted the third seat. And thus…"

"Hmm," she mused, glaring at the one she was dragging away. "Your division is in chaos. Needs some decent, constructive revamp."

"All we need," he shook his head. "Is a captain and vice-captain to keep things in order, Isshily senpai. Rest all will fall into place."

"Che," the man being dragged snorted. "We can handle the squad."

"Yes, we can see that," she whacked him on the head again. "Your opinion isn't required."

* * *

The captains and vice-captains of all the divisions were called for a joint meeting. She stood staring at the blank wall with her usual impassive expression as the soutaichou went on and on about stuff they already knew. It was so purposeless and boring, she would have literally dozed off if it were not for the painfully straight posture of her back and the intense pressure of being around so many captains and vice-captains. She let her eyes roam around the hall idly, staring at each of the face that looked as utterly bored as she felt—except for one—her captain stood with the same stoic mask in place, as if grasping each word of soutaichou… but she knew better—his eyes showed the same hint of boredom as everyone. Well, Kuchiki Byakuya was definitely a master at pretending! She wondered for a short while if he were even listening or just sleeping with his eyes open… he could do that for sure—she _knew_ he could…!

"Now, a very important issue that needs immediate attention," her ears twitched as the captain-commander raised his voice just a bit so that all would _actually_ listen. All eyes turned to him with attention as he smiled before continuing.

"As you all know a few of the divisions have been suffering for a while now due to a lack of captains in the Gotei 13…" he cleared his throat. "The recent incident at the eighth division, which you are all well aware of, brought this point to light and it requires prompt looking into. The division is literally falling into chaos. The scarcity of captains is also affecting the overall coordination in the Gotei 13 and we cannot afford that."

The captains and vice-captains exchanged brief glances and nodded, knowing what came next. She pondered over the mentioned 'recent incident' that had ended with several of the fellow shinigamis on the fourth division cots! She closed her eyes, mentally shaking her head at the thought as she drifted back to her oblivion, pondering dispassionately, waiting for the meeting to get over.

"I shall nominate my fukutaichou, Arai Isshily," her head snapped up as she heard the cold voice of her captain. _What the… hell? Was I out of it for this long?!_ She shot him a brief glance as he stared at the soutaichou. "I might bring this to your notice that she is one of the only few vice-captains who has attained a bankai. And it has been exceptionally fast."

She looked down, a little dazed and embarrassed.

"I shall go with Kuchiki taichou on that," she heard another familiar husky voice and turned her eyes to her red-haired friend who only gave her a fleeting smile and an inconspicuous wink when he was sure no one was looking.

"I agree with the choice," she heard Hisagi's voice. _What is _up _with them?_ She whipped her head back and forth between the three of them, struggling to keep the composure at the same time.

"I nominate Kurosaki Rukia, vice-captain to Kurosaki taichou," Sui Feng said, as both the captain and vice-captain in question shot her a brief glance.

"I'd nominate Ikkaku Madarame, third seat in eleventh division," the orange-haired man said. There was no way he'd be nominating his own vice-captain, formerly-Kuchiki-now-Kurosaki Rukia—for obvious reasons! She could almost sense a few people roll their eyes at that.

"Baldy-chan won't want to leave the division," all eyes turned to the tiny pink haired vice-captain of the eleventh in surprise as she sat nibbling on a cookie. She had never been one to pay attention at meetings—most of the times dozing off, or busy nibbling on her sweets as the meetings commenced. "Ichi is only nominating pachinko-head so chappy-chan wouldn't have to go. Na, Ken-chan?"

"U-urusei na, gaki," Ichigo retorted, sending smiles on a few faces across the room.

Kenpachi only grunted in reply.

The captain commander cleared his throat as the couple blushed. Byakuya had a little frown on his face for a while before it turned back to the usual stoic mask.

"I believe Arai Ishhily is a worthy nominee," the kind captain of the fourth gently smiled in her direction. "I shall vote in her favor."

Within minutes, she had the required six nominations and four other assents. She stood straight, head held high even as the feeling of awkwardness had her struggling to maintain her calm.

"I pronounce Arai Isshily as the captain of the eighth division," the head-captain said, handing her a crisp white haori with the insignia of a Strelitzia inside a rhombus on its back. She took it with a humble expression even as her heart pounded inside her chest, heat rising up her face and her legs threatened to embarrass her by buckling in.

"You shall pick your own vice-captain," soutaichou handed her a lieutenant's badge. "The division is in your hands. Take good care of it."

"Hai, soutaichou," she bowed. "I shall make my best efforts to restore the division to its former prestige."

The head-captain nodded at her and then looked around. "Dismissed."

They filed out of the meeting hall without a moment's delay. She, for once, literally _flew_ out of there, clutching the haori to herself, not caring about the composure anymore.

"Oi, wait up," she felt a hand on her shoulder as her red head nakama grinned at her. "Arai taichou, eh?"

"Renji…" she shook her head, not finding words.

"Yeah," he patted her head, seeing a childish glimmer in her eyes. He saw her eyes follow her (former) captain as he walked out of the doors and squeezed her shoulder lightly. "Go."

She nodded and walked over to fall a few paces behind the captain, not knowing what to say.

"Arai taichou," he said, acknowledging her presence. "Congratulations."

"Ku-Kuchiki taichou," she fumbled, still trailing a few steps behind. "You don't have to call me that," she stuttered in a low voice, heat rising up her cheeks again.

He did not react, still walking ahead without a glance.

She stopped short as her vision blurred slightly and bowed deeply, all sincerity put into that one small gesture. He turned around, almost as if knowing. "Arigatou, Kuchiki taichou," she said in a firm voice as a lump formed in her throat. "I shall always be grateful… for everything. I shall strive my hardest to make you proud."

"Arai," he said, in a low voice—almost soft. "Do your best."

She looked up at him as her eyes glistened with tears on the edge. One drop traced its way down her cheek as she beamed her brightest of smiles seeing a ghost of a smile hover on his face. Looking in those eyes, she felt an incomprehensible elation for the first time. It was a feeling second to none of those few moments in her life that she had felt to the core of her heart. She smiled, nodding at him like a child as he turned and walked away. _I'll do my best, taichou_.

* * *

_Now you feel like number one  
Shining bright for everyone  
Living out your fantasy, the  
Brightest star for all to see  
Now you feel like number one  
Shining bright for everyone  
Living out your fantasy, you're the  
Brightest star there's ever been_

[Number One-Hazel Fernandes]

* * *

**A/N: I am so sorry if this was disappointing. Honestly, even I was… quite a bit. And yes, for those who have stuck with this thing so far and have started wondering why the 'romance' thingy is taking so effin' long… gomen gomen gomen *grins sheepishly* the next chapter definitely has something…! I promise!**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please leave a review :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. If I did, a lot of people would be well and alive.**

**A/N: Fast update, yeah. Now, the story is going down into the emotional side. No more action or whatever, we'll just concentrate on romance now and leave it at that!**

* * *

Chapter 11: Feelings

"Get married?!" she choked on her food as her voice shrilled out in panic. "You… can't be serious…?"

The old man only nodded, one of those rare smiles on his face. She thought back on how he'd been treating her out of his way for the past few days since she'd been promoted to captaincy. His smiles now definitely looked suspicious to her. She groaned as she realized she'd been had. The idea of marriage… had surprisingly never crossed her mind. And it did not exactly sound right to her. She shook her head.

"You're not serious, ojii-sama, are you?"

"Very much so," he smiled again… _definitely_ that!

"But…" she thought hard, but came up with no excuse. He'd just flung it in her face out of the blue, leaving her tongue tied over the issue. "I don't know ojii-sama…"

"Well, I waited for long. You went to the academy, you became a shinigami, you became a vice captain and then you almost got yourself killed a couple of times. And now that you have finally achieved the last thing, why the hold up?" he stared straight back at her, trying to figure out the reason she was acting in such an unexpected way. "If you have someone who is worthy enough, you may—"

"N-no… no no no not at all, ojii-sama," she fumbled, turning a little red. This had to be one of the most awkward moments of her life. She glanced at the clock from the corner of her eye, there was still way too much time. She desperately prayed for some distraction that would let her off from here. To her dismay, not even a single maid came in. she eyed the old man who was still smiling, observing her reactions keenly. "It's just that… I've never given it a thought… I mean something that big and important…"

"Then think it over," he said. "Girls your age think about those things all the time. It's strange how it never crossed your mind. But if it's time you need, might I remind you I don't think I have much of it."

She glanced at him. Sure, he hadn't been well since the day his grandson had passed away. But she'd seen him in that withered condition for long enough now to know he still had quite a lot of life force left in him. It wasn't deteriorating health but the old age that showed on his face. He was just making it an excuse to leave her with no other option but to concede. He _always_ made it an excuse to have things his way—the time when she had finally agreed to adoption and again, his unfit condition and her being the only heir had her placed as the clan's head. She pondered grudgingly how much of that had been a plain conspiracy… but, oh well!

"I need time to think this through," she sighed and got up to leave. "Just sleep on it for a couple of days. That's the least I'm asking for."

He sighed louder than her as he got up too. "You really do not understand, do you? It's not just about you, it's the whole clan. And you, being the head of the clan… well, it makes it all the more inevitable."

_Ugh! Don't tell me you're gonna walk me all the way out of the compound reminding me of the duties and responsibilities of noble clans for the hundredth time, old man_. She wrinkled her nose and frowned.

He recognized the expression and paused. "You can't disown it now. You're an Arai," he deliberated on what to say next except for the duties and responsibilities thing but could not come up with anything. "Alright, I give you… two days to think. Forty eight hours later, you are not running away from this. Not if you don't have a good enough reason."

_Geez that's way too much of time to come up with a 'good enough reason'!_ She rolled her eyes "Thanks," her tone was sarcastic.

The old man shook his head in disbelief, as if he was reading her thoughts. "Can't keep the elders' council on a hold up for long—"

"Nani?!" she stared at him, jaw dropping open. "You… the elder's council?! What kind of a… that's not even…"

"Matters like that do need deliberation," he said calmly. "You must at least know this much, a beautiful lady in her prime such as yourself, from a noble clan and a captain at that… obviously attracts that much of attention—"

A disgusted groan from her interrupted him as she glared down at the ground with such intensity it could have burned holes if that were possible. "So-so you go discussing stuff like _matrimony_ in the elders' council?! Ugh that's… _disgusting_!"

"What is _disgusting_ about it?!" the old man gave her the same disbelieving look. "It's been a wake-up call for me, thankfully. Over these years, I've been closely watching you grow and I literally forgot about that phase… yes, it was hard for me too to wrap my head around it at first. But let's just put that all aside and think of it rationally, shall we? It's something that's bound to happen. And now is the perfect time…"

"Ojii-sama," she said in a firm voice. "I have to get to my division."

And with that she was off with flash step, hopping over the wall instead of going through the huge gates. The old man sighed. He'd known it was going to be hard. But he hadn't expected her to sound so clueless and confused. _Now that I think about it, she's the kind of person who really wouldn't think about things like that until forced to._ He shook his head again and slowly made his way back in.

* * *

To say the newly appointed captain of the eighth division was in a bad mood would have been an understatement. As she stomped her way in, glaring at anyone in the way, her subordinates literally crawled for covers. They'd seen her smile sweetly too often and they'd seen her stern frowns at times. Some who had known her for longer had seen her cold and impassive. But today, she was pure frustrated, glaring, ready to strike anyone with thunder. None of them dared to disturb her as she buried herself into the paperwork.

_Get married? I mean… ugh why?! Get out of my head, get out of my head…_ she stared at the paper half crumpled up in her hands and straightened it out, groaning. She couldn't concentrate on whatever she was doing. The vice-captain found her sitting bent, her head in her hands, pulling at the hair as he went up to sit next to her. He gave her one of those tiny warm smiles that always relaxed her.

"Nah, taichou," he said in a cheerful voice. "Take a break and get some fresh air. I got this work under control."

She looked up at him and tilted her head. "But—"

"I'll take care of it, taichou," he reassured. "Go."

She stared at him for another long moment before sighing and sliding her chair back. She patted his head before heading out. "I'm sorry, Kouichi-kun. I shouldn't be burdening you with all the work."

"Don't worry about it, taichou—Isshily-senpai," he smiled again and she walked past him and out of the window.

* * *

She used shunpo to zigzag her way to the riverside. The wind hitting her face, the trees blurring in a train of green, the fresh air mingled with the sweet smell of wild flowers, it all made it easier for her to concentrate on her senses and think of nothing else. When she finally got tired of that, she decided to take the straight path to stroll down. It was difficult to stop her mind from tracing back to the same trail of thoughts over and over. Once the old man put it there, she knew she'd not be able to rest in peace before she actually sat down and thought it through. She plopped on the ground with a heavy sigh and splashed the cold water on her face.

_What if I really do? It's not like anything is gonna change… or is it? But then ojii-sama is right… someday or the other I will have to… but then why is it even necessary? Right, the 'noble clan' thing! I can't believe I thought life on this side must be comfortable. Hell, it's not… back in Rukongai I at least had the freedom to do what I wanted, as I wanted. But then I wonder… my life would still have been the same—trying to survive through every single day. I wouldn't look beyond it. It's not fair to ask for more. It's always a balance. I should know to deal with this. And what have I ever done to show my gratitude to ojii-sama for all he's given me. This is the only thing he's asked of me it's not even fair to refuse. But then… it's supposed to be about me too, right? Not that it really makes a difference… it doesn't, does it? Even if it does… I'll survive… I've been through so much worse, what could a simple matter like that do to me! But… it still doesn't feel right somehow… why can't I put a finger on it… it's like… it's like it's _there_ but I can't figure it out. What do I do, what do I do, what do I do…_

"Yo," she turned around to find the red head making his way to her. She smiled, almost in reflex. She'd probably be able to find an answer here. "What's wrong? You aren't in a good mood today, are you?"

"Not in a good mood…" she shook her head and laughed lightly. "Worse than that, Renji. My subordinates must've been half convinced I was ready to kill someone today."

"I bet. Your reiatsu isn't even under control today. I picked traces from miles away," he sat down beside her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "So… tell me about it."

She looked at him and then looked away, trying to think of a way to put it. "I'm getting married, Renji."

His eyes widened. She realized a second too late that was not the best selection of words. She pursed her lips and waited for him to hold his sides and roll on the ground laughing like a maniac. That's the way she knew him.

"You… _what_?!" his voice was more shocked than amused. She felt even worse. She could've punched him if he'd laughed but he wasn't even smiling. She looked at his questioning eyes and then looked down, a slight nod.

"Wait—you… are getting _married_?! I… gosh I can't even… this is too sudden. Wait let me get this clear again—you. are. getting. married?" he stared at her but she won't look back at him. He saw it in the awkward way she let her head droop. "Oh… god… how—I mean no. I can't even say I didn't see that coming… but _this_ early…"

Her head snapped back and she stared at him intently. "What do you mean you saw that coming?"

He opened his mouth and shut it, then opened it again and shut it back. "I… mean come on you knew you'd be getting married sooner or later. And your goals are all but achieved now. And you are young and beautiful and a noble and a captain now…"

"Stop it," she groaned. That was the second time she was hearing the same logic. "I… I know all that, Renji. But… well I don't know. There is something I can't figure out. Just _something_…"

He tilted his head and looked at her in confusion. "Okay, who is it? Does that_ something _have anything to do with the man…?"

She looked down, suddenly embarrassed. "I… I don't know who it is yet."

"Wh—_what_ do you mean you don't know, you thickhead, are you just going to marry any random person just like that?!" he was almost yelling at her.

"Come on, Renji, it's not like it's gonna be any better or worse even if I knew who it is. Ojii-sama always makes the right decision…" she could not stand to look back at him but she could feel the glare.

"And that's your reason of getting married?"

"That's not my reason to _not_ get married either."

"Of course it _is_! You haven't… are you not even going to wait to fall in love?"

"Love?" she scoffed. "Renji, you know me. Am I the kind of person who'd bother with such trivial issues—"

"It doesn't matter you care about it or not, it just happens."

"It's not happening here, Renji. That word does not exist in my dictionary. I can't even imagine _that_ happening in a hundred thousand years."

"Isshily, listen, you stupid, stupid, stupid thickhead," he grabbed her shoulders and shook her, trying to get some sense into her. "You can't do this. Don't you have _someone?! _You do, right… just think about how you would feel around him once you are a man's wife. There is someone you wouldn't feel comfortable around after that, right? THINK!"

"Stop it, Renji," she yelled as she slapped back his hands, freeing herself. In a flash she was a few feet away from him. "I don't have _any_one. And that is none of your concerns!"

And before he could say something, she was gone. She ran as fast as she could. She was hurt and she was angry and she was frustrated because she could not understand the reason her eyes itched with tears.

She staggered around in the streets of Rukongai all evening, beating up any thugs she could find, trying to rob her, or any helpless person. She just needed a random reason to beat someone up. She'd never felt so much of rage in all her life, and she was getting scared of it. The moon was just about coming up when she decided to head back to Seireitei. She'd used up most of her energy flash stepping and beating people up with just brute strength. Her knuckles still held fresh wounds she'd gotten from a rogue who'd flung his knife in defense against her punch. She felt tired, dragging herself around. And she was hungry. But she knew she'd be too disgusted to eat even if she got back home. Before long, she found herself in the same spot by the riverside. She stretched back and lay flat, sighing. The day had turned out to be a tough one. And she was messed up, inside and out. The disconcertingly full moon shone brightly, leaving her no peace as she continued to count the stars.

Somewhere in the middle of dozing in and out on the grassy patch, she felt something strange. She sat up with a jerk, noticing the familiar reiatsu.

"Ku-Kuchiki taichou," she blinked. "Why are you here?"

"I could ask you the same," he said in his toneless-as-usual voice. "I take a walk here every night."

"Oh," she stammered. Of course she knew that. She was just surprised.

She looked up at him. Something was off. She felt a sudden urge to talk to him. She wanted to see his reaction when she told him she was getting married. She felt her stomach churning, somewhere scared of his impassive reaction. She mentally pictured it in her head:

_—"Taichou, I'm getting married."_

_He'd stare at her for one long second with no emotion passing over his stone face and then nod. "Congratulations."_

_And then he'd be off and she'd just sit there, shocked and hurt.—_

She did not know the reason why she pictured it, but her stomach twisted in confirmation that she would be hurt. Nevertheless, curiosity took the better of her.

"Kuchiki taichou," she raised her voice just enough to reach the man who was now walking away in the other direction. He paused and looked back at her with a questioning look.

"I… I'm getting married," she immediately felt awkward… and stupid, almost too stupid to have uttered those words in the first place. He'd be wondering why she even bothered to tell him.

She looked up, afraid to see what she anticipated in his eyes… nothing but apathy, impassivity. But she saw something else… just for a fraction of a second, she saw something flicker in his eyes and then it was gone. She tried to read his expression but it was no good. His eyes… which had been so easy to look into and tell were suddenly guarded against her. She couldn't find anything there—not even apathy. They were just blank, and cold.

She felt her stomach twist in a very uncomfortable way. And then she saw his face again—still the same. There was no reaction coming. She flinched as her heart skipped beats. What had she been expecting? She stared back for one long second before taking a giant leap in the other direction, running away with all she had. She felt an unbearable pain in her chest as her eyes itched, her legs wobbly and ready to give way as she forced them to move faster, her head throbbing with a thousand images that flashed through and the voices grew louder… _there is someone you wouldn't feel comfortable around after that, right? _Right?_ RIGHT?_

She hopped over the wall again and walked straight. She had decided. And she had a reason now. A reason that was more than enough. The old man was still awake, worried why she hadn't come back. She threw the door open without a knock.

"Ojii-sama," she looked at him with determined eyes. "I have made up my mind. Do as you wish, I have no objections."

He opened his mouth to say something but she slammed the door back in place and was gone.

* * *

Back in another place, he sat still, highly disconcerted under the bright glare of a full moon. Her words still reverberated in his head. They had shattered the silence of the night like a whip cracked in thin air. But was it just the outer silence? The moment had felt like ages. His brains were still trying to make sense of her words that seemed to have hung there just as they had stood frozen. And then, he had recognized the look in those deep brown eyes. How could he have been so naïve to overlook it? It had been right there all along. He clenched his fists, glad for once that she could not see them. With a great effort, he brought back the hard front to his face. He was afraid, for once, to let her see the melee her words had just unconsciously kicked up inside of him. He had to guard himself against her penetrating eyes. He held himself stiffly like a marble statue, afraid that a slight movement could break the composure he was struggling to keep.

He could tell her eyes were searching for something. He could see his blank reflection in her eyes. Yes, he was guarded. For once, he needed that. Then she flinched. And he almost felt his hard front cracking at her reaction. His hands twitched behind his back where he held them tightly to restrain himself. Her intense stare was just starting to penetrate through his guards when she turned around abruptly and launched herself in the air, taking off with all she had.

It was like a blur as she passed… but he was sure he hadn't just imagined a tear glistening at the edge of her eye. He stood frozen in that place for long after she had disappeared. Slowly, he eased out from the stiff posture, unclenched his fists, relaxed his jaws and slid to the ground. To say the least, Kuchiki Byakuya was… _dazed_, if he dared admit it. Some part of him grudgingly registered the fact that he wasn't breathing normal. There was something utterly wrong with him. What was all that about? How could he have been so oblivious to the little changes that had crept their way in bit by bit and now refused to budge. He had to stop, nip the problem in the bud before it got any bigger. Why had he been so foolish to let himself slip onto the same road again? How long had he come without even realizing it? What could he have done to stop if he had seen this coming? Was it too late? Could he go back to being the way he was? She had so ruthlessly gotten right through to him and jerked him out of his safe haven. She made him _feel_ things he had buried long ago. And then she had him adjusting to those changes. He could not turn back the time again, could he? Excepting one change brought yet another bunch of them. And he was not ready for them. Change is highly inconvenient and unsettling. And sometimes, it's not at all welcome. Kuchiki Byakuya only made exceptions once in a blue moon. And this wasn't one of those. Rejecting that change… if it were in his power, he'd do it—whatever way he could do it, he would.

* * *

She traced her fingers over the hurt knuckles. It still hurt. But the pain was nothing compared to the one that was now wrecking her chest. She looked up at the full moon as a few sakura petals drifted down to gently caress her skin. She loathed it. It was too perfect, too beautiful… and too big a thing to ever desire. Yes, she definitely loathed it, only because it was too easy to fall in love with it. The voices grew louder in her head.

_Are you not even going to wait to fall in love?_

"I waited… I waited for longer than I should have."

_Don't you have someone? You do, right?_

"Yes, I do."

_Think about how you would feel around him once you are a man's wife._

"I won't be around him anymore."

_There is someone you wouldn't feel comfortable around after that, right?_

"I wouldn't."

"I can't believe I didn't figure out what was always right in front of my eyes. I can't believe I ended up desiring something I never had a right to. I can't believe I sat back and watched it all fall into the wrong place."

Two tears glistened in the moonlight as they burned their way down her cheeks. She had decided. She was going to put the pieces in the right place, she was going to put an end to the desire she did not have a right to. She was going to do it the harder way.

_It's crazy how you find love when you least expected it._

"Yes. It is. Crazy… and painful."

* * *

_Oikaketa hibi no naka ni kizamareta ashiato wa _  
_Nani yori mo kakegae no nai takaramono_

_Kimi to boku to "Sakura biyori" kaze ni yurete mai modoru _  
_Tomedonai omoi ga afuredashite namida ga komiageta_

_[the footsteps left in the days I chased after  
are treasures more important than anything else_

_you, me, and the cherry blossom weather returns after being swayed by the wind  
the unstoppable feelings overflow and tears build up]_

[Sakura Biyori-Mai Hoshimura]

* * *

**A/N: So the bad news is that my exams are approaching and I only just realized it x_x but here's the good news: I'm going to wrap this story up before that so expect quicker updates. There isn't much left anyway!**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please leave a review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: Why, if I say it a million times, will it change anything? No, I will never own Bleach. Kubo-sensei did, does and always will.**

**A/N: Okay, here is the update. Just one more chapter to go o.o I hope I am able to get it done before the exams or else it'll be stuck forever! So do give me some motivation? How? Just review!**

* * *

Chapter 12: Regrets

She felt awkward with the wary glances the division members were giving her. She shot a new recruit a questioning glance but he immediately turned around, half scared out of his skin. Well, she'd tried to make it more of a glance than a glare, but failed. She'd been having terrible mood swings for the past few days. She hated it but she was too scared to bring that impassive mask of hers back in place. So she let it all out, let the emotions show on her face.

She was surprised to see Renji sitting at her desk when she reached the office. The vice-captain was nowhere to be found. He gave her a weird grin as she stared with questioning eyes.

"The word's gotten around," his grin grew wider. "I can't believe you."

She tilted her head, staring in confusion. "What word?"

He rolled his eyes. "About… the wedding."

"You already knew about that," she went to occupy her place. "You were the first one I told it to, were you not?"

"Yeah but…" he blinked at her, his grin fading. "You do know who it is, don't you?"

"Renji, we talked about it that day and I'm in no mood to go beat up someone again. My knuckles haven't yet recovered," she raised her bandaged fist. "I told you it doesn't matter to me. Now please just get off my back already."

"You…" he banged a fist on her table so she'd look up at him. "He's a noble and he's a captain."

She looked up, blinked and then got back to signing the papers. "I couldn't care less," she said wryly, a part of her head noting why this was such a big deal.

"Are—are you a thickhead, or are you just a thickhead?!" his voice boomed, eyes wide with disbelief. "There is only _one_ such man in all of Seireitei."

She looked up at him with attentive eyes this time. A noble. A captain. Only one such man in Seireitei. It took her a whole minute to fix the jigsaw. But when it did, her jaw dropped, as if she couldn't feel her facial muscles any more. Her eyes were popping out. She stopped breathing. Her hands crumpled the paper she was signing.

Renji smirked. That was exactly the reaction he was expecting. He tapped her head. "You really are slow."

"Renji…" she blinked. And then her voice came out in a gush of high pitched shrieks. "NO… I mean just no. No, Renji, just… NO—no this isn't happening. No. No. No… just ohmygod. NOOOOOO."

"Shh shh, just calm down," he dramatically raised his hands above his head. "Your subordinates would think I'm molesting you or something."

She glared at him some more and then took his hand, stomping out of the division, not caring about the stares they received. Once outside, she began running, still clutching at his arm. They ran and ran and ran till they were in a deserted street in Rukongai. He bent down, resting his hands on his knees.

"Where… did you… get that idea from?" she said between gasps.

"Are you kidding?" he grinned. "The whole of Seireitei knows of it. The invitations are out. It's next week!"

"I know that," she snapped. She regretted not having looked at the invitation, she regretted declining meeting with the suitor when the old man had asked her to, she regretted complying with every little instruction without having known where it was leading. She regretted all the dispassionate mechanical way she had just been going around and walked right into trouble.

"I… I gotta do something," she straightened, assuming a businesslike expression.

"Do what?" he asked, confused.

"Call off the wedding, break it up… just _something_," her mind was racing, thinking of ways she could avoid the disaster if it were still possible.

"Are you crazy?" he looked up. "It's way too late. Besides… isn't it alright? I mean…"

She stared at his uncertain questioning eyes. "No. It's not alright, Renji. It's not alright at all," her voice shook as she spoke.

"What are you talking about?" he gave her a disbelieving look. "How—how much longer will you go denying it? I know how you feel… about him… admit it!"

"I… I," she stammered "What the hell are you talking about… I—"

"THIS," he almost poked his finger in her eye. As she stumbled back dazed, she saw a little drop glistening atop his fingertip. She blinked, not believing it was _her_ tear. "The tears in the back of your eyes, is what I'm talking about. The way your eyes linger on his face for a second too long is what I'm talking about. The extra bounce in your steps, the extra ring to your laughter, the extra brightness on your face when he is around is what I'm talking about."

She blinked. And blinked again as a single tear rolled down her cheek. "It's not fair. I can't. I can't do this," she whispered on the verge of sobs.

"Why can you not?" his voice was now tender. "You don't have to regret anything."

"Which is why I can't do this," she wiped her cheek and took a deep breath. "I did not just come back from the clutches of death to live a life with regrets, Renji."

"But you have feelings for him," he argued. "What could be better than this? Would you rather be someone else's woman?"

"You don't get it, Renji" she shook her head. "There can't be anything _worse_ than this. Can you imagine being tied to a person you love, knowing it wasn't your place to be desiring? Can you imagine every excruciating second you'd see him in front of your eyes and not be able to reach him? It's like the sky and the ocean… they look like they meet at the horizon but they're so far apart, no matter how far you go, you'll always see them together but in truth, they'll never be…"

"How would you know, Isshily?" he closed in on her. "How would you know for sure until you haven't tried?"

"Doesn't take an expert, you know," she shrugged. "Can't you just tell?"

"Come," he grabbed her arm and started dragging her away. "Let's try. Then you decide what you want."

"Whe-where are we going?" she trailed behind. "Renji?"

He did not say another word, just kept walking and then started running. In a few seconds, they were flash stepping over the roofs. He still held her hand. As they came around and she realized where they were headed, she tried to wriggle free of his hold.

"Let go," she cried. "Let go of me, baka!"

He tightened his grasp, coming to a halt. "Put a barrier around yourself. It's too easy to pick up your reiatsu."

She blinked at him with an agitated expression. "I am _not_ going to his division with you. No."

He gave an exasperated sigh, trying kidou with one hand while holding onto her with the other.

"Renji… please," she pleaded in a whisper, trying to keep her voice from cracking. "Don't do this."

"Just this once," he still held on. "I promise you'll have an answer after this. Then you can do as you wish."

She stared at him. He stared back, determined.

"Fine," she sighed. "But you are not poking your nose in this matter again after this."

He nodded as she concentrated, drawing a barrier to hide her reiatsu.

"Ikou."

They stood at the front entrance of sixth division HQ, feeling nostalgic.

"Okay, you stand here and listen," he shoved her back to press against the wall and slid the door open.

"Renji," Byakuya was busy with his work and did not so much as look up to see him. "What brings you here?"

"This," Renji took out an invitation and placed it on his desk. "Congratulations, Kuchiki-taichou."

He looked at the invitation and then looked back at his former lieutenant, nodding once.

"I can't believe it, taichou," he pursued. "You sent in a pro—"

"I did not," Byakuya narrowed his eyes and continued to stare. "I just did not reject one."

"Huh?" he scratched his head. "But why?"

"It's a waste of time," he said tonelessly. "Besides you do not just refuse a noble clan. It's unethical and undignified."

"What do you mean _unethical?_ Waste of time?" he felt awkward, prying into his personal matter. But he had to do it—for her sake, he had to.

"Never mind that," he shot him a cold glance. "Now then if you have no business here, I suggest you get back to your division. You must have a lot of work."

"H-hai," he backed out of the door.

This wasn't what he'd been expecting. He'd probably made it even worse. He turned around, afraid of her reaction. But she wasn't there anymore. Gone. Disappeared. He sighed. He should've seen that coming.

* * *

A slight shudder made him shift in his seat with unease as he saw his former subordinate stumble out of the door. He'd kept himself away from that question for long enough and now it was almost inevitable. He would've closed his eyes and drifted into his mental oblivion if he could—but he knew better. Work-hours weren't meant for his (not-so-)sweet (not-so-)little contemplations. So what was he thinking again? He frowned. Over and over, the same thoughts. He wasn't irrational, he wasn't childish and he sure as hell wasn't insane. So what was he thinking again? The frown only deepened. He was a rational, grown-up, cool-headed, calculative and sensible man. Yes, that is what Kuchiki Byakuya was. _But then what _was _he thinking again?!_

The neat, flawless handwriting was turning scratchy, the letters were turning blotted and inky. He stared at them, none making sense in his own mixed up head. He put the pen down, resisting the temptation to snap it in two. _So that is how it is. So be it._

He got up and headed out, not caring about the subordinates glancing at him in confusion. When was the last time he had left the division early, the pending work still incomplete? Maybe decades back, there were times when he had been tempted to do that. But _this_ wasn't _that_ temptation. This was… just some sort of an urgency his fumbling mind needed him to turn his attention to.

"I shall see to the work later," he tossed the words over his shoulder at one of the subordinates apparently trying to approach him.

He just closed his eyes and walked, not caring where his senses took him. And so… WHAT was he thinking again? Sixty seven… _sixty seven_ adjectives and none of them had been suitable enough to describe what he was thinking of himself. _Covetous_…? He thought. No, definitely, not covetous. Why would he be? Did he not already have everything one could need… or desire? He had it all. Then what was it that he was thinking of himself?

Well… _maybe_ a little bit covetous—for everything did not come to him unconditionally… at least not the 'everything' that _he_ wanted. And maybe just a _little_ irrational—for rationality wasn't what dictated the world… and who was he but a mere fling dancing to the tune of his prewritten destiny. And perhaps a _little_ bit more childish than he thought—for even he had his limits of trying to push away the things until he realized he absolutely had to have them… though he did not whine like a child, but there _was_ a childish undertone to the longing in those eyes. And probably a very, very_, very _tiny fraction of insane—for insanity was the only thing that could define his mind and actions for now.

But he was a reasonable man. He might be stubborn. He might be impatient. He might even be selfish, at times. And if covetous was what defined his state for now, so be it! But above all, Kuchiki Byakuya was, is and will always remain a reasonable man. Of course, the definition of _reasonable_ might be different for different people… but in his mind—he was _absolutely_ a reasonable man.

* * *

_Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse… they apparently did._ She sighed.

"Well, well, isn't that just beautiful," Yumichika winked at her, passing the bottle of sake to Ikkaku.

"No, Yumichika-san," she frowned at him. "It isn't. And that is the fifth time I'm saying this so don't expect me to explain the reasons again and again."

"Che," Ikkaku grunted, already half-drunk. "Ya women an' yer reasons are a'ways strange. Mah, I dun half care."

"See, even Ikkaku agrees on that!" Renji bellowed. She only sent him a cold glare to shut his mouth. He knew the reason all too well and it was unbelievable how he was still sticking to his point. She sighed, wondering why she had ever even thought going out with them could help her etch out a plan to do what she wanted as inconspicuously as possible. It had turned into a total friends' advice session the minute she had taken in a deep breath and told what she had decided. Insert_: with reasons_!And with every passing minute, it was only turning more frustrating, sacking the last bits of her patience.

"Isshily, it's going to be alright," Matsumoto threw her arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. "You are just thinking too much."

"But, Rangiku-san…" she closed her eyes and thought of what to say, instead of repeating everything over again.

"See, why don't you just let things go their own course," Shuuhei butted in. "And you just admitted you have feelings for him. So what's the big deal!" Kira smiled and nodded at his friend's words.

"I…"she looked down, going red. Why had she been foolish enough to admit it right in front of them all?! She felt like beating herself senseless with a nice hard plank or something now. She hated how she couldn't keep the red from creeping onto her face and no matter how hard she tried, they wouldn't take her seriously with that. They laughed again, apparently at her reaction and she cursed under her breath, trying hard to cool down.

"Why would you not try to see things my way…" she said—almost as if whining—still holding the drink tight in her hands.

"Well, you know… either way you look at it," Rangiku pondered. "Your reasons really don't make much sense. You being a captain_ and _the head of the noble Arai clan that only leaves him as the most eligible suitor. And did you not just say you were doing it for your clan more than yourself. Then if it comes down to a choice between him and someone else… well in the end neither is worse than the other."

"One _is_ definitely much, much more worse than the other, Rangiku-san," she shook her head. It was pointless. They were going round and round with the same arguments and that only strengthened her stubborn decision bit by bit. She closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath before she emptied the drink down into her throat in a single shot and banged it down.

"I think I should get going now," she stood up, not looking anyone in the eye. "So long, guys."

She did not stop or look back even as she heard a few of them call her. It was time. She felt her heartbeat quicken a bit as she clenched her fists and made her way towards the one place where she was going to put an end to everything.

* * *

She sat staring at the receding arc of the moon. There weren't many stars, and she was in no mood of counting. There was darkness outside and inside. She bore the pain and anguish inside of her, not letting a tear drop. This was the last time, she promised herself, that she was putting on that mask. The last time. She would not live with any regrets. She was going to have to do something while she still had time. She'd thought it through. It would be impossible to have the old man call it off since she had herself foolishly walked right into it. That would be more than just impossible. And _unethical._ But she could convince _him_ to turn it down while he still had a chance. She was going to have to do it the harder way. She would confront him outright and get this over with once and for all.

She stared in the distance, waiting. The nerve-wrecking silence outside, coupled with the upheaval inside clawed away at her. No matter how many times she went over and over with the right things to say, every passing second made her nervous, and impatient… wanting to run away, scared of what was coming.

When she sensed the familiar reiatsu approach, her blood ran cold. She felt too weak to move. Her heart felt like it wasn't beating anymore. He came into view. The embodiment of perfection that she'd always regarded him as. His flawless face reminded her of that full moon she had always loathed and yet, unconsciously she'd feasted her eyes upon. His perfect curve of lips she'd often tried to imagine curling into a smile but had failed—every single time. His silky black hair she'd sometimes been envious of, wondering what it'd feel like under her roughened fingers. And those slate grey eyes. Those deep slate grey eyes that were the only grey she'd ever known. It was that livid steely grey of his eyes that was the only definition of that color. A color she thought she'd never known before she'd first stared into those eyes. Yes, if there was one color she associated with the word perfect, it was grey—the grey of his eyes.

_The way your eyes linger on his face for a second too long_…

It was true. She couldn't help it, she'd only just realized. She stared, searching for something, anything in those eyes. There was a blank and nothing else. _Guarded._ She told herself. There was probably a hint of a questioning look on his face. Somewhere, a part of her awkwardly reminded her how freakishly ill-mannered it was to stare someone down.

And the words were lost. She couldn't say it. She couldn't ever say it. She was still too scared, still too weak. She opened her mouth, and then shut it. _Say it!_ Her brains told her as she backed out one step after another. _Come on, say it!_

There were a thousand questions still left to be answered, a thousand things still left to be said. But she was too afraid to know. Too scared to speak. And so… she ran. Ran away again. She'd run away from it all this time. And at the eleventh hour, her courage had failed her.

* * *

Desperate, angry, hurt, frustrated, scared, confused, questioning… and accusing… there was so much her eyes were screaming out at him. But no word came out as her jaws opened and then shut back up. He watched her painfully desperate attempt at trying to choke out the words he already knew. Her expression was something he couldn't stand. If he could cringe, he would have. But he was too consumed in trying to keep up that façade to be able to move a muscle. Then with a blink of an eye, her determinedly hard front came crumbling down and she started backing out. One second of all the hurt and pain flashing on her face before she turned away. If he had the courage to reach out, he would've grabbed her wrist and wrenched her around to face him. If he had the strength to stop her, he would've moved in her way and made her stay. If he had the clarity to think, he would've let out everything he had been deliberating for so long. But, alas, his fists did not budge from their clenched position, his limbs felt frozen in place, his jaws did not tic one bit to let out the words that were stuck in his throat. He saw her leap into the air and disappear in the dark. Again. He let her run away again. Just to save himself from the inevitable awkwardness the confrontation would bring, he let her go. The accusing look in her eyes… he just couldn't bring himself to shake it off of his mind. For Kuchiki Byakuya, it was mortifying to have done nothing, said nothing when the least he owed her were a few words of explanation. A man of few words that he was, he let his actions speak for him. But this time, he could not muster the courage to act. Just this one time, his actions failed all attempts at coherence. Just this once, he was dumbstruck, inarticulate, speechless and tongue-tied.

Change… is highly inconvenient and disconcerting. He had been naïve to have thought himself capable of adjusting with that change. In truth, he admitted he was no saint. He only accepted the changes that appealed him. The rest just did not exist for him. Kuchiki Byakuya was in no way so powerless so as to lose to that change. He could, for once, change the change itself. The peace wouldn't have lasted any longer than he had anticipated. But her floundered and hurt expression _did_ manage to catch him off guard. He had to admit to himself that his actions were covetous. But what else could he have done? He just had to have his way around things. After all, in truth, Kuchiki Byakuya was no saint.

* * *

When had she become so weak? Her heart wrenched inside of her chest. She had never been a quitter. She challenged the adversities of life right in the face and overcame them no matter what. Then why did she suddenly feel so resigned and defeated by mere play of destiny? Why was she running away? Why could she not summon the strength to face it and get past it?

When had she become so weak? That such a tender feeling as love was enough to bring her down to her knees when even death had not been able to? Why did she not have the strength to fight against it? Why was she giving up? Wallowing in self-pity. Why was she feeling so pathetic?

When had she become so weak? Why was she letting her emotions defeat her? To think that of all the things… it was this mere feeling she hadn't even thought worthy of her attention that had her in its clutches! Had she never underestimated it, would she be in a better place today? _Not in a hundred years._ Her own thoughts mocked at her. For once, she had the unexpected enemy defeat her. When had she become so weak?

She was running away again, for the last time, she was running away, clutching the last bits of hope she had, she ran, and ran.

_Gomen na, nii-sama. In the end, I really did not have the courage to erase all my regrets._

* * *

_Kono ame ga itsuka  
Konayuki ni natte  
Kanashimi wo sotto  
Tsutsumikomu toki  
Atarashii kibou ni deau no_

_Itsudatte  
Holy Night tanoshimeta  
Otona tte chotto  
Sabishigari dakara  
Naita tte ii nda  
Hajimari no Silent Night_

_[This rain will someday  
Turned to powdered snow,  
And when the time comes  
For me to quietly conceal my sadness,  
Will I come across a new hope?_

_At any time,  
I was able to have fun on that Holy Night.  
Even adults  
Feel lonely sometimes,  
So it was okay for me to cry,  
At the beginning of the silent night.]_

[Rain-Yui]

* * *

**A/N: I am sorry for making this chapter so negative. But the next one will make up for it, I promise. Heeee all stories get happy endings, ne? I believe in that. I am very grateful to all the reviews I have received so far. The favorites and follows just flatter me so much :) I honestly didn't think at the start that it would receive this much.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please leave a review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: Meh, I don't own Bleach. I just own a laptop I watch/read it on.**

**A/N: Here, the LAST chapter. I am so very thankful to all the reviews and follows/favorites that actually helped me get through to the end of it! Might have just abandoned it in between but you really spurred me on! Yes, this is finally the end of the story. I guess I'm gonna miss it a little. Hope you like it. Read and review :3**

* * *

Chapter 13: New Beginnings

"Sharon," she sighed as she played with a strand of her hair. "We don't really have to do this."

"Of course we do, Isshily-sama," the maid looked up to give her a polite smile then continued working on her hair. "Don't worry. You look perfect, anyway."

She was getting impatient. Never in her whole life had she needed this long to get ready for an occasion. Sure it was a big deal for any woman—it should have been for her too—but for all she knew, it was only the beginning of another long battle with herself and the misery that just somehow always seemed to follow her around. She could only sigh, trying to rub the pain off her chest. Call it fate, her life had hardly given her chances to smile, and had brutally snatched away the few things that _did _make her happy. _Well, life isn't fair!_ She sighed again. She'd accepted her fate. She'd told herself over and over she was prepared to deal with it. But the discomfort and pain did not seem to be lessening over the days. She wasn't going to grow immune to it in a matter of days. She shrugged, she might _never_ be able to grow immune to _that_ person.

She looked down at her perfectly manicured hands as they traced the silky patterns on her beautiful white kimono. She remembered the first time she'd seen the extravagant kimono and outright refused to even try it on. It was way too beautiful for her clumsy ways. She recalled mentally picturing herself tripping over it in the aisle, damaging the expensive fabric that was too delicate for her to take care of. And here she sat, wearing it in the end. She tried to shake off the embarrassing image of her tripping over it. Even if it meant little in the true sense, it was still _the_ big day of her life—her wedding day—and tripping over her kimono was the last thing she wanted to think of right now. Her neck was growing stiff with holding her head at different angles for so long as Sharon did her job. She'd rather just tie her hair up in a pony, put on her shihakusho and shunpo to the Shinto shrine if she had a choice. She laughed at the ridiculous idea. She laughed because she was nervous, and somewhere deep inside not yet ready to face it. Time just seemed to fly by so quick.

"There, it's done," Sharon clapped her hands together, looking at her with shiny eyes after giving her the last touch up. "Just stand up for once so I can straighten up your kimono and you're ready."

She stood up, feeling awkward as her hands could not find her zanpakuto and then gave herself another mental smack as she reminded herself she wasn't heading out for a _literal_ battle. The maid pushed a few locks of her hair from over her shoulders, brushing the kimono straight with her tender little hands.

She felt a little anxious as Sharon looked at her with narrowed eyes and then beamed a genuinely huge smile. The polite woman had insisted that she won't look in the mirror till she had readied her—one of the reasons why all the mirrors from her room were now missing.

"Can I see a mirror now," she pleaded and the maid nodded, leading her out to the other room. The kimono, although so delicate felt really heavy for some reason as she took tiny steps, walking slower than she ever had. The room had a huge mirror placed there just for her to have a nice full view. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath before turning towards it.

She slowly pushed her eyelids open as the woman in the mirror came into view. She stared straight back at her from the other side of the mirror, an astonished expression replacing her frown. She saw the woman turn around and trace the length of her kimono with her shiny brown eyes. She saw her raise her hand to touch her perfect dark brown hair but stopping midway, too afraid to ruin the intricate pattern it was done up in with delicate white flowers and pretty little hair ornaments. She saw her eyes grow moist as the reflection uttered the words that were finally escaping from her throat. "Sharon…" her voice was a bare whisper. "Is that really… me?"

"Yes, Isshily-sama," The maid nodded frantically, peeking at her from behind. "You look beautiful… perfect… oh how will the bridegroom ever be able to take his eyes off you!" she exclaimed excitedly.

The woman in the mirror smiled a pained little smile. _Ah, Sharon, if this can only get him to actually look at me even for a single fleeting moment, your job would be more than successful_. She sighed at the thought. She knew the man only too well to expect anything but the cold detached expression on his impassive face, the only emotion showing somewhere in the back of his slate gray eyes would be that of… she didn't know… maybe _a little bit of appreciation for trying so hard?!_ She hoped for it, without any flicker of hope as she finally turned around, too afraid to raise her expectations just because of the beautiful woman standing on the other side of the mirror in all grace and glory.

* * *

The walk down the aisle was the most nerve-wrecking experience in all her life, she could have sworn. She hadn't expected so many people there. It should have been a quiet little ceremony tying the two clans. That's what she'd thought of it as she'd deftly put her foot down on the subject of inviting anyone whose presence had little to do with the wedding. The old man had seemed a little disappointed but ceded to the only demand she'd made regarding the big event. She'd asked for nothing else and had submissively bowed down to every little detail about the alliance with a detached attitude as if it meant less to her than it did to the family.

It gave a sickly feeling to the pit of her stomach as she looked around, the murmured sounds feeling like crass racket to her ears, the feeling of uneasiness weighing her down as she felt all eyes intent on her. She wondered if it would have felt the same way to every other bride—the nervousness, the discomfort, the urge to just fling everything into their faces and run away, crying and laughing hysterically. She felt the old man nudge her arm just the slightest bit, reminding her she was supposed to walk. She replayed the image of her tripping over the kimono and stiffened, taking one careful step after another. She looked up at a huge grin flashing in the face of her red haired friend. He stood with the spiky haired girl, their fingers intertwined. _Oh so it's official now?_ He winked back at her, lightly blushing. She saw the raven haired lady standing gracefully by her husband's side, his arm around her shoulders. She gave her a little reassuring smile, her understanding eyes saying a thousand words about how it was the same for her. She pondered sadly at how truly different it was from where she stood as she remembered the cheerful, anticipating smile she'd seen on her face when she stood in her place that day. All she was anticipating was hurt and pain ahead. Her smile was forced and sad. She saw the excited smile on the face of the voluptuous blond haired woman, the stupidly huge grin on the bald-head's face, the calculated smirk of the man with feathered eyelashes, the amused smile of the 69-tattooed guy, the little nod from the blond man—all her friends… but none of those warm gestures comforted her.

And then her eyes landed on the tall figure of the bridegroom holding himself upstraight in a comfortably graceful posture. His face was a handsome mask of zero expression tinged with just the slightest bit of serenity. His eyes… those perfect slate gray eyes… showed nothing… nothing but the detached emotion as he observed her stepping closer. Her sight was focused on him, everything else blurring into the background, the voices blending into a monotonous buzz. She literally heard the scraping off of the last bits of some hope she'd been unconsciously preserving in a far corner of her heart. Her breath was caught up in her throat and her chest ached with too much of pain. But she continued to move… summoning up all her courage, all the determination she'd been harnessing all this time to see this through to the end, her face turning a mirror of his impassive expression as she brought back the deceptively calm front.

The ceremony commenced quietly as she bowed and nodded, not thinking, not wanting to think. She tuned out everything, shut down on her mind and observed the rites mechanically. They proceeded with the san-san-kudo, exchanging the nuptial cups and drinks of sake with the few close relatives. She felt the time ticking, pulling her apart but she held on, nodding, smiling, bowing, thanking. The offering of twigs to the sakaki sacred tree was over, and she did not pray. She willed herself to gracefully move, burying all her thoughts, all her feelings.

As the reception slowly dispersed, she felt the tense feeling return. She should have been way past her limits of numbing her senses out. She felt the time pulling at her from all sides. Soon, all the distractions would be gone, and she'd be alone… alone with the only presence that would haunt, torment, break her down every second. _From here on, the battle'd be a tougher one._ She wondered if she would ever be able to cope or the tides of misery would just wash her away bit by bit.

* * *

She felt a strong tug on her arm as he pulled her around a bend, covering her mouth, his eyes scanning the area around. _Too close! Waaay too close… _she realized as his strong masculine scent made her stomach knot up, sending jolts of electricity under her skin.

He stared back into her wide eyes, realizing the same thing and released her taking a step back. She saw something flicker through his eyes for a split second before they reverted back to their guarded state, not giving her enough time to decipher what it was.

"Shinigami women's association members," he pointed to far side, frowning. "I don't want them to be following around."

She just exclaimed an 'oh' as she mentally yelled at her brains to contain the flip flops in her stomach, the frenzied thudding in her chest.

"Come," he turned away, taking a few steps in the other direction, "Can you use shunpo?"

She blinked and then looked down at her kimono, raising it just enough to see her feet and stammered uncertainly "I… guess I can," in her head, it was more like _so in the end I really have to trip over and damage this pretty thing, eh?_

She did not look up as she heard his footsteps approaching and in the next second, she was off her feet, the wind lashing at her face as he flash stepped, delicately cradling her in his arms. It was one thing to be moving with her own two limbs and another to be carried around with that much of speed. His arms around her sent her stomach into a frizzy of flip flops, her heart heavy as a dead stone within her, her dizzied head spinning. She shut her eyes and her hands tightly clutched onto his expensive haori. She would apologize for ruining it later.

Within a few minutes—which had seemed like hours to her—she felt him slow down and halt, gently putting her down on her feet. She was too aware of the hand around her arm, balancing her firmly as her body swayed. She did not open her eyes till she was sure the nausea had passed.

Her brows were pulled together in a frown as she decided to look around her. While she opened her eyes, slowly, surprise replaced the tensed expression on her face. She took in the view and shot him a glance of gratefulness as he nodded. She felt elated at the fact that he knew the only place she had first and foremost wanted to be after the wedding, even if it held little significance to her—which it did _not_, she realized with a sad smile. It was important. She was married, and it really was important. _Kuchiki… Kuchiki Isshily_ she said it in her head, finally, clearly, erasing all doubts, lifting all veils that now exposed the abhorring picture of the future destiny had picked up for her. As she looked at the gravestone, falling to her knees, the reality set in, jabbing a million shards of sharp edges to her heart.

She felt his presence by her side, feeling thankful and uneasy at the same time. He watched her tears flow, and did not try to wipe them away. He heard her agonized sobs and did not try to make them stop. He just sat there, by her side, suffering the same agony with her. When all was done, he'd be there to comfort her. But for now, he let her cry her heart out, unleashing the emotions she'd kept bottled up inside of her for so long.

Belatedly, she realized she probably wasn't as strong as she had thought of herself to be. And what was there to be done now, but to resign to the path fate had chosen for her. She felt the faint pressure of his hand on the small of her back and felt grateful of his presence, appreciating his little gesture of bearing with her as she let it all out.

* * *

She blushed. Her eyes kept searching for something on the ground. Her voice was barely more than a whisper as she stuttered incoherently. He had an… _amused_ expression on his face—to say the least. She peeked at him for a second and then looked back down as if the sight was too much to take. He was _smiling_. Kuchiki Byakuya was S-M-I-L-I-N-G. How could there have been a way for her to imagine that perfect little curve of a smile on his face when it was too perfect to be imaginable. For once, he could not _help_ the smile playing on his lips as he saw the woman—whose mere glances made the other men shudder without fail, she who roared like a lioness on the battlefield—in such an adorably fragile state. True any woman would look beautiful in her wedding dress. But she—she looked like a goddess, a maiden struck by lovesickness for the first time. The tinge of pink on her cheeks, the long eyelashes that seemed so heavy that they could not help but look down, the soft ring of her whispered mumbles that sounded like melody—it just made her look so unbearably angelic that it was irresistible. Pressed up against the wall, she looked like the most vulnerable thing in the universe. She peeked up at his tall figure again as he hovered over her. Up close, she felt even tinier than she already was. Her eyes dropped in an instant as she saw him stare at her with… _that _smile. He drew in closer. She pressed against the wall harder but that was as far as she could back out. She felt her legs about to fail her. Her chest was being battered crazily by the thumping that grew louder with every passing moment. He could hear the crazy thumping. Somewhere inside his chest, he could feel the same synchronized thump. He reached out to put a finger under her chin and delicately tilted her head up, afraid that he might hurt the fragile little thing. He stared deep into her moist chocolate brown eyes.

"So? What do you think?" he could've sworn their thumping stopped for a moment and then went crazy as their eyes held each other.

"I… this… Kuchiki Byakuya-sama… I know this marriage isn't something you—_we _wanted. I… I-I know this is hard on you. But… I… uh… sorry… I promise I will try to stay clear of your way as much as possible. I… will do whatever you command… I…" she knew she wasn't making any sense—who would in a situation like this?! She knew enough after so much that she could do anything this man would desire of her if it meant she could see a smile on that face. She had thought about it more than enough to conclude that the dangerously little distance between them did crazy things to her—things that were worse than the effects of alcohol. She had tried to get past that cloud to her brains but there was no way she could make the connection.

"And why?" his voice was calm, modulating smoothly like the waves rising over the ocean.

She blinked at him. _Why what?_

"Why would you go so far as to do anything I desire of you?" his voice had a little edge she could not decipher.

"Be-because that… it's a wife's duty…" she let the words slip into a murmur. Was it too direct? But it was all she could say.

"Anything?"

"As you desire," she nodded, without a second of hesitation.

"And you wouldn't ask for anything in return?" he held her chin up as she tried to look down, scared of the eye-contact that wouldn't break. His other hand landed flat on the wall next to her face as he leaned down to stare at the pretty little face. His eyes wanted to drink it all in. His nose twitched the tiniest bit as his smile turned more into a smirk every passing second.

She shook her head for a no. It was not her place to ask for anything. She could not let herself slip into that delusion. Her throat ached as the lump forming there made it difficult for her to breath. His distinctly masculine smell made her nose flare up to take in more and more. Her moist eyes itched as she held back the tears. The position made it impossible for her to think or react. She stood frozen, silently praying for something that could help her break free. It was nerve-wrecking. She could not stand it any longer than a second now.

"Why," she heard him sigh as her eyes got blurry. "Why would you not desire anything of me? Am I not bound by the same relation to you that you are bound to me?"

"I… this isn't my place… to desire anything of you, Kuchiki Byakuya-sama," she could feel her voice shake. She could not stop the shuddering. She felt too weak to do anything that would stop this inevitably outright confrontation.

He leaned down till his forehead rested upon hers. A heavy sigh from him implied his exasperation at her replies. He let his hand slip from under her chin to caress her neck. He could feel her muscles stiffening.

Then he brought his mouth to her ear. His warm breath almost made her faint as his words came out in a soft whisper.

"It's okay to desire something for yourself for a change, Isshily," his lips kissed her ear. "I am here to fulfill all your wishes."

She could not hold herself up any longer. But before she could collapse, his arm wound around her waist and pulled her up to his face.

"Kuchiki… Byakuya-sama," her tears streamed down uncontrollably.

"Byakuya," his voice held a hint of insistence. "Please."

She nodded as he wiped her tears, burying his face in her hair. He wanted to take in all of her sweet scent and it still won't be enough. He wondered if he was crazy and then smiled as he realized he really was.

"B-Byakuya… sama…" she held her breath as he pulled his face away a little to look at her. His eyes were wider with a smile of pleasure. This was more than she could ever wish for. She tried to tell herself over and over that she was dreaming… but the reality gripped her… gripped her in the ecstasy of the moment… the tingling sensations his proximity sent through her… the cloud of joy she floated upon.

His lips brushed against hers gently.

"Does this make you happy?" his voice was a caress of silk and velvet.

"Bya… Byakuya-sama," she knew the man too well. He could just push himself to do a lot of things out of a sense of duty. And _this_ was something she did not want to force out of him due to some weird sense of obligation as a husband he might feel towards her. "… you don't have to—"

"So it doesn't?" his voice came out as a half impatient grumble.

She shook her head frantically. "I-it-it_ does _but—"

"That's good enough."

Before she could say anything else, his lips pressed down on hers, silencing her mouth and her thoughts.

As he pulled away, she stared straight into the depths of his slate gray eyes. She saw it there—clear on his innocently exposed, defenseless face… the flicker of that something she'd seen too often but had failed to recognize. That first time when she'd opened her eyes after escaping death by a hair's length. That first time she'd laughed maniacally, flaunting her bankai in front of him. And the time when she had stared at him from a distance, the time she'd searched his eyes for a reaction, the time she'd stood staring at him with a broken heart, wanting to say so much and ending up running away. Yes, she'd seen this in his eyes all this time and he'd guarded it against her. But now, he let it show. It was too clear to read… on his face, in his eyes, in that perfect little smile. It was there—the reflection of what she felt when she looked at him… and they did not need words… not for him to say, not for her to hear… words seemed to be too trivial and meaningless for what they felt, for what reflected in their eyes. She did not expect him to say it straight out, that he reciprocated every little feeling she held for him. Because the man did not wear his heart on his sleeves… but then neither did she!

Life had always been a crazy dream to her… which sometimes turned to nightmares that clawed at her, tearing her down to pieces… and sometimes turned to ecstatic symphony where a ray of golden sun tinged her euphoric world with a drop of joy. Behind the curtains of her closed eyes, she dreaded that she might wake up from this crazy dream and find all of it gone. Yes, she was still scared. But how could it all be a dream when everything around her felt as real as nothing ever did? With a hesitant flicker in her eyes, she raised her hand, and lightly placed it against his chest, feeling the beat that was just as out of rhythm as her own. Was it real then? The arrhythmic thudding hummed a story of its own. Then how could she not believe it? Those eyes could not lie… they did not have the power to deceive. And neither did that heart. It was all real. Nothing else mattered anymore, because, for once, she knew she was right where she belonged. She knew it when she looked into those perfect slate grey eyes. Because his eyes didn't lie to her. _And they never will,_ she hoped as he pulled her back against his chest. There was just one thought that her head chanted as her heart froze for a second before going back to its crazy rhythm…

_Yes, it's truly crazy how you find love when you least expected it._

* * *

_They think that they'll see flowers  
If only they give water  
But the harvest season's over  
The time has passed_

_Here in the dark I'm sittin'_  
_The answer that soon I'm gettin'_  
_How do I know where it comes from?_  
_Just wanna feel safe with you_

_Now let me hear your voice,_  
_Just for once_  
_'Cause you've mixed all my bits_  
_You grabbed all my soul_  
_You've taken everything over_

_Now let me hear your voice,_  
_Just for once_  
_You know_  
_You can make me smile_  
_You can make me cry_  
_And take me out_  
_From these nights of longing_

[Let Me Hear-Tomoko Tane]

* * *

**A/N: First of all, I would really seriously recommend listening to this song 'cause it just gives me way too many feels and is ****_perfect_**** for the last part!**

**So this is it… the end. I hope I haven't disappointed you too much. Now that it's done, spare me a few minutes and tell me what you felt about it. Please?**

**Thank you so much :)**

**Please leave a review.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. It belongs to Tite Kubo. Nor do I claim this chapter to be mine, 'cause the whole idea came from riahsparks and I just merely put it in words.**

**A/N: Okay, just a special chapter I wrote solely on a request for riahsparks. For those who are happy with the ending of the story in the last chapter, please do not read this one, 'cause it's fluff and honestly I admit I am super bad at it. Nonetheless, I had to give it a try. Forgive me if you find it uncharacteristic. This is the only time I am requesting no flames please.**

**The chapter is set—let's just say it's… um I dunno, maybe a few months later…**

* * *

Special Chapter

Dedication-riahsparks

He woke up a little less constricted than usual. Her side of bed was empty. It was strange, she never woke up before he did. He got out of the bed thinking she might be in the garden, tending flowers or something. Just like any morning, the fresh flowers were in place, a clean shihakusho neatly folded, ready for the day. He took a shower and dressed up. Picking up his zanpakutou from its spot he realized hers wasn't there. Neither had he seen a pair of her shihakusho on her drawers. It was strange she had gotten up early enough to have gotten ready even before he woke up. He checked the clock to make sure he wasn't late.

He went into the dining room and breakfast was served. She was not there either. He ate alone in silence. It was really strange. Now that he thought of it, he hadn't sensed her presence anywhere around since he had woken up. Where could she have been? He finished his meal and got up to leave for his division. It was early but there wasn't anything else there. He found her maid in the corridor and asked her as inconspicuously as he possibly could.

"Isshily-sama left early in the morning, Kuchiki-sama," the meek old woman said. "She said she had a lot of work at her squad."

Strange again, there wasn't much work around off late. He walked wondering if everything were okay. But then the woman always had a strange sense of duty. She had been working really hard for the division lately.

The vice-captain of the eighth division was quite startled to see the captain already halfway through the day's work when he arrived.

"Isshily-senpai, how long have you been here?" he asked, a little guilt in his voice. "You could have asked me if there were too much work."

"Ah, Kouichi-kun, don't worry," she smiled tiredly at him. Her eyes were evidently sleep deprived. "It's not like there's much work here. I just came early for I… had nothing else to do."

"Alright, you can leave the rest of the work to me," he returned her smile and picked up a small stack.

"Ano… Kouichi-kun," there was a hint hesitation in her eyes. "Leave this work be. Can you… can you take care of the academy training for me today? I don't feel so well."

He nodded. So he wasn't just imagining that she looked a little pale, she actually wasn't well.

"Leave that to me, Isshily-senpai," he smiled at her again. "Take care of yourself ."

She nodded with a little smile as he walked off out of the doors. She checked how much work was still left and sighed. There wasn't much, it could be done later. So she slid back and walked over to the couch. She needed sleep, especially when she hadn't shut an eye for the whole night.

* * *

The next morning, again he woke up to find her side of bed deserted. She must be feeling insomniac if she could be up and about so early. He remembered coming back a little late last evening just to find the manor still devoid of her presence. He had dinner alone again and dozed off halfway through reading something. He remembered being moved to the bed late last night and the warm feeling by his side as he slept.

He could feel her presence in the garden. He slid the door open to find her tending to a patch of flowers she had grown. Her hair was still wet from the shower, tied up loosely. He stepped out and walked towards her.

"I see those flowers are already in full bloom," he came to stand next to her.

"Yes," she smiled, gazing at them affectionately. She loved those flowers and was proud they were finally blooming beautifully. "They look so beautiful, Byakuya-sama."

"They do," his voice was nearer than she had imagined and she stiffened as she felt his hand gently tuck a flower in her dripping hair. She snapped and staggered two steps away from him. He could see a torn look on her face. He reached out his hand but she shot it a scared look before she turned and ran away. He stood a little dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. Had he done anything wrong? Why did she react like that, running away like a scared little deer. It was strange.

She shut the door behind her, breathing raggedly. She shouldn't have been there. A part of her mind registered the fact that her reaction was utterly uncalled for and that might cause a misunderstanding. But without another thought, she moved swiftly to dress up in her uniform and sling her zanpakutou around her waist. She paused for a second in front of the mirror and observed her image closely. Then she loosened the knot of her shihakusho just slightly and looked at the mirror again. It was okay. His reiatsu swept through her senses and she realized he was almost to the door and she was out of time.

He slid the door open to find the room empty. Wind swept through a single open window. There was a trail of her reiatsu lingering around. He sighed, shaking his head. What had he ever done wrong that she should escape through the window just so she wouldn't have to face him. Her actions were so utterly confusing and, somewhere, a little infuriating. Irritatedly, he dressed up and made his way out, ignoring the lonely meal that lay in his wait.

The papers to be sent to the eighth division lay completed on his table. A subordinate came in to pick them up but he dismissed him. He would deliver them personally. She could keep running away all she wanted but he was going to confront her no matter what. It was simply frustrating. And his mind kept wandering back to the morning, asking him over and over what he had done wrong. Holding back a sigh, he got up and headed out with the papers.

The vice-captain looked startled and confused as he barged into the eighth division office. His eyes scanned the room as the only presence—the young lieutenant gave him a scared look. Her reiatsu was fresh there but she wasn't. Curtains swayed in front of an open window. He shot the young boy a glance to confirm his thoughts. Suddenly, windows had become the woman's favorite escape route. He walked back with an irritated look on his face as many dodged under cover, half scared out of their skin.

* * *

The shuffling of feet and sliding of doors jerked him out of dozing in and out. The hushed voices couldn't be so noticeable if it weren't the dead of the night. He sensed her presence and got up to go find her, determined to put an end to this futile game of hide and seek. He could hear the soft murmur of voice as he rounded the corner of the corridor and she instantly stopped talking and looked up at him. She handed a pair of clothes to the maid who bowed and disappeared.

"Byakuya-sama," she smiled her tiny smile. He could tell it did not reach her eyes. There was something she was definitely hiding and he was determined to find out. "I'm so sorry I thought you were asleep I did not mean to disturb you."

"Not really," he said, closing the distance between them. "I was waiting for you."

"Oh…" she looked down on the ground. "I-I'm sorry I had so much of work and—"

"You are… going somewhere?" he said, noticing she was fully dressed as if ready to head out.

"Ah… yes… I… I wanted to… go home for some time," her stuttering was evidence enough she was hiding something. "Thought I'd pay a visit to ojii-sama…"

"And you have to be leaving in the middle of the night?" he got closer and she visibly cringed. "Without having to inform me?"

"I… Byakuya-sama, I thought you were asleep and—"

"What is it?" he reached out a hand but then dropped it midway. "You're keeping something from me, aren't you?"

"I…" she looked up at him and then looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. "I was just… feeling really home-sick, Byakuya-sama. And I did not want to worry you or anything…"

"You should stop lying," he said flatly.

"I… I'm not lying," she backed away a few steps as he closed in. "I'm not lying. Why would I lie to you?"

"That is precisely what I am trying to understand," his voice was now a little softer with concern. "What is it?"

"I…" she suddenly felt the walls tilt and the ground wasn't stable under her feet anymore. A faint feeling of nausea and his hand was around her arm to balance her as her body swayed.

"Are you alright?" he could see she was feeling dizzy.

A sick feeling rolled inside her stomach and she covered her mouth before jerking her arm free of his hold and running into the nearest room. He stood shocked and hurt. She had just _jerked_ away from his hold. Why was she acting like that? For the nth time he wondered what he might have done wrong to deserve such a treatment. More than anything else it was highly infuriating for him to see her close herself from him and no matter how much he tried, she wouldn't tell him the truth. He stood deliberating whether he should storm back into his room or pursue her. The answer came with a sickening sound of her throwing up. He sighed, walking towards the door of the room she had just rushed into. The maid appeared in front of the door and shut it behind her.

"My deepest apologies, Kuchiki-dono, but Isshily-sama wishes to be left alone for now," she bowed humbly.

He glared at the meek lady and stepped forward as if he had not heard what she just said. She was half scared out of her skin but did not move out of the way.

"Please, don't cause her unnecessary stress, young master. She…" she glanced at the door and mumbled. "She… she hasn't been feeling well lately."

A horrified expression crossed his face for a split second and he stepped around the maid and into the room before she could say anything else. Now that he thought of it, she did appear a little pale to him. An uneasy sense of déjà vu triggered an upheaval inside of him. How had he not noticed she was sick? All the anger and fury was now melting into concern. He saw her stumble out of the bathroom and plop on the corner of the futon. She definitely looked pale. Her eyes gave him a tired look as he moved to sit in front of her at the edge of the futon.

"Your… health…" was all that came out of his mouth as he helplessly looked at her. She had an instant feeling of guilt as she looked at his broken expression.

"It-it's nothing you should worry about, Byakuya-sama…" she met his eyes for the first time in a long while and they were honest. "I… I'll be just fine. It's nothing."

"It's not nothing," he wasn't going to let it go that easy. It scared him and he wasn't strong enough to suffer the same pain again. She could see him visibly shaking and the guilt only tightened its grip on her throat.

"Why did you not tell me?" he demanded.

"I-it's not that, Byakuya-sama," she looked away, biting her lip, then finally took a deep breath and turned her eyes on him. "I'm not _sick_."

He stared at her honest expression for a long moment. She wasn't lying, he could tell. Yet she was keeping something from him. There was something about the faint flush coloring her cheeks, something about the way her eyes refused to meet his… something about her hands that lingered onto her belly… and then it hit him. His eyes widened as he placed his hand over hers that still rested on her belly. She looked up at him and suddenly there was a very knowing look on her face as she bit her lip.

"Isshily?" he squeezed her hand lightly. He could not tell what his expression was but he saw her look down at her hands again and then her eyes welled up with tears.

"I'm sorry, Byakuya-sama," she whispered. "I don't know when it happened. And I didn't know how to tell you I was so scared I… I…"

She closed her eyes and tears flooded down her cheeks. His bewildered expression said it all. She had known all this time that was exactly what his reaction would be and yet it hurt her so much. Somewhere, she had probably been hoping otherwise. She took in a deep breath and tried to keep her voice from shaking as she spoke.

"I'm really sorry about this," she said. "It might not be too late. I'll go see Unohana taichou first thing in the morning and talk—"

A finger on her mouth silenced her from speaking any further. She opened her eyes as he slowly wiped away her tears, his fingertips leaving a trail of burning sensation on her cheek.

"Isshily…" his voice was so soft, she could barely make out. After a long moment, he met her eyes and the look in them just froze her heart. She swore she had never seen that look on his face ever before. The smile that spread on his lips just made her heart speed up at an unbearable rate. He kissed her forehead gently and pulled her against him.

"Thank you," he whispered against her hair. He was at a loss of words. Honestly, he just did not know how to react. It was something he had never experienced. And the feeling of joy in his heart was so great that it almost hurt. He'd never felt so elated in his life ever before.

"Thank _you_, Byakuya-sama," she shook her head as fresh tears flooded down her face. All her worries and fears seemed so distant suddenly. Her heart was already bursting with happiness. She could never thank him enough for all he had given her.

He held her to himself as a lone tear fell across his cheek. She looked up in utter amazement and he smiled back at her.

"Aishiteru, Byakuya-sama," she whispered, kissing him tenderly as she slid back against his chest. And they drifted off into a world of bliss that was yet so unknown and beautiful that all the joy they had ever felt in all their lives could be nothing compared to it.

* * *

_A little way down the road…_

The delicate little angel is lighter than a feather in his arms as he gently cradles her, afraid his slight movement might damage the fragile thing. She has the same adorable locks of perfect brown hair as her mother. But she has _his_ eyes—the exact deep slate grey that her mother has so often failed to find words to describe. Now he understands what she meant. She babbles happily as he tickles her chin. In more than a century that he has lived his life, he swears he hasn't seen something so beautiful. And he swears he's never felt even close to the feeling of elation he feels now. He has never felt so complete before. The experience is other-worldly.

Through the half opened curtains of fatigued heavy eyes, she watches the overflowing affection in his eyes as he smiles. The little angel babbling in his arms is the most precious thing she's ever had in life. She reaches her hand out and instantly he takes it into his and guides it to the baby's soft chubby cheeks. She smiles at the delicate feeling and closes her eyes. It's all so fresh. There is no sound as sweet as the soft babbles, no sight as beautiful as the one in front of her, no touch as tender as her delicate skin against her fingertips. A life borne out of love… what would she not give to have it the way it is now! Everything seems full, complete… more than that. Perfect—that can't even begin to describe it.

His fingers twine with hers as he gently kisses her forehead. And silently, they vow to protect their greatest treasure together.

* * *

**A/N: If somebody did end up reading it and did not hate it, please leave a review.**

**Thanks to riahsparks for the whole idea I really liked working on it, even though it might have turned out to be a lot worse than what was in her head. I know I'll have to work much on my writing skills in order to write fluff -.-' maybe after exams I can relax and drown into cheese.**

**Anyway, here I take the opportunity to thank the reviewers and favorite/followers.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please leave a review. But remember, no flames.**


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